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Holy Grail

It has been a while since I have been writing here on this blog. I have taken for granted this little piece of soul real-estate, not able to fully accept how incredibly amazing it is to have the gift to be able to come here and to share the depths of my heart, and of my unique journey with those who might be called to read my words, and to share experience with me. Amazing how strong the fear can be, even when the heart of me truly knows, and has known for a long time, that we humans are here to fundamentally connect. All this posturing and pretending that we are not feeling lost and alone much of the time, yielding more and more fear, when all we want to know is that we are never alone!

It has felt good to finally admit that being a human is hard, if not damned near more painful that not being a human, especially when you've been all about exploring the fullness of this adventure in a body with emotions, and not really able to just numb out or field distractions from truly facing yourself.

I have clearly been one of the destined balancers to counteract the pull of falling futher asleep by the lure of technology, (or at least find ways of using technology to further connection, instead of deaden it). I passionately poke at people over and over to engage, not to fall asleep, as they knowingly or unknowingly inhale the poison of the poppies. My heart has known we are all too precious not to be KNOWN, not to KNOW--or at least die trying!

We get one shot at this life, and I want to mine it for all of the aliveness that is available, and I KNOW that we cannot find this aliveness without our brothers and sisters. We have to learn how to let them in, and to take a leap of faith that we are needed as part of a bigger picture. This is when we know aliveness too, when we keep showing up and see what life has to offer,  when we aren't afraid to wake up and see each other without all our fear in the way.

Whew, what a journey.

Today I want to write to my daughters. I just want to tell them that I am finally Here. 

I have been making my way to them for a very very long time. 

The way I see it is that there has been this cataclysmic soul reckoning, which I would say has been the combination of all natural disasters, storms, and cosmic collisions, and if I am exaggerating, and have no idea the worst is yet to come, I will call it at least a category: insane hurricane! 

I see I have been making my way to my daughters through this nightmare of blindness and fear since the day they were born. 

Many years--full of so much fear and doubt. Second guessing every decision, defaulting to love at every turn, but sometimes wondering how love could look so incredibly broken so often. And would I destroy everything in my path? Learning to trust myself--my heart--learning I am an awakener who needed so badly to be awakened.

Oh, my dear daughters, I want to thank you for the grace to journey with you, for providing the perfect conditions to create the perfect fear storms within and without, for me to get so fully acquainted with my fear, that I would have to face my ultimate demons, and in full disclosure of my mortal fears, find myself less and less afraid, and more and more available to see what is reallly there beyond my being blinded by fear.

What I had no idea was happening, was that you, by having your honest human responses to the world, and to your mother and her fears, were leading me home.

I always thought that it was I who was doing everything in my power to save and protect you from the nightmare, stroking your heads, reassuring your safety, and weakly hoping that life might be kind. How interesting that you resisted my wanting to keep you safe. How ironic that it was your fiery parts that began to awaken my fiery parts, and how necessary I have found them for survival, how incredibly life-giving. How key to my strength, to catching glimpse of the lighthouse standing strong and tall continually burning bright, to lead me home to a reality where I LET LIFE IN, instead of continually saying 'No, No, and more No!" to life--intent on cleaning up all the troublesome parts, instead of seeing wholeness.

My darling M. Yesterday when you were writing John Greene a letter that was so incredibly eloquent to find out the fate of his characters, just like the letter his character Hazel Grace writes  to the defunct author in The Fault in Our Stars, I want you to know that I saw absolutely saw the miracle of you. I saw how you are growing into the most beautiful young woman, with the most incredible heart, and I rejoice that after all the fires we've survived, that the undergrowth of the forest looks healthy and thriving--looks like you loving and being loved with the tenderest of hearts and souls. 

And now that I am Here and not blinded by all my fears running rampant, I see that there is much more wide open space for you to roam and to explore the fullness of your humanness. Because of my becoming less afraid, I am less inclined to keep trying to field life for you. Go forth and be your magical self, and know that I trust that you are loved beyond measure by this world, and that every challenge and every triumph will be perfect in bringing you to Life.

Dearest C, yesterday in the forest with you, I felt our footsteps side by side. You declared that we couldn't leave until we saw living creatures. You wanted to see a bunny or a newt. You weren't so keen on the water skeeters and spiders we had to settle for. This reminded me of when I played my game, watching the ocean, waiting for dolphins to show up in the distant view of the ocean. If magic was real, they would jump. It took a long time before they did. This morning on my run, I saw a newt climbing the mountain, and a bunny stop to look at me. You were at school. There were our newt and bunny, and I know that me seeing them was to bear witness to you, that your heart's desires are there waiting to be discovered, but that it isn't about finding them so easily. Sometimes having to wait and to  make the ascent to  our dreams is part of the richness of discovering them. The search grows us, and in my experience, it is that stretching, it is making  it through the storm that makes the arrival sweeter, makes that newt and bunny  that much more magical. My wish for you is that you look for magic in the hard and easy times of your life, because when you look for magic in your pain, it will surprise you at what it wants to show you.

Oh, my dear girls. In all this, I am finally Here, walking beside you, because of the pain, heartache, loss, the stretching, but also the incredible love and magic that I have experienced in my lifetime. I have been so greatly loved in perfect contrast of dark and light, with fullness and and struggle,  to perfectly grow me and bring me home, and all I want to do is give this back. I want you to know that my journey to you has been long and arduous, and I know it will continue for as long as I live, but that it has been worth it to keep moving forward, to keep finding footing, and clearer vision, because it is now that I return Home to you, with my riches. 

Darlings, I see you. Riches that were always there as YOU even when it felt dark. I am so honored to know you, and even happier, because I know because of my courage to face so many demons, I am so much more available to love you, and not as much guided and muddled with my fear, but moving from the part of me jumping fully into my own life, letting fear and all be there, but know I will never hold back my love, my heart, or my hands to hold you.

I have staying power. I know this. I will climb mountains for LOVE. And I have found that it is so worth what it takes to uncover a love that cannot be shattered. And if I am learning anything, it is that LOVE NEVER DIES. NEVER. Even when it looks shattered.  Thank you for showing me how it can reconfigure one who is barely alive, into someone who is becoming alive with all of her. Thank you for being so worth walking through the storms for. In finding you, I know I am finding ME. And there we are, forever riding into the horizon.

I imagine we look forward, and we smile, and we are ready for whatever we shall meet. 

This is the true meaning of the holy grail. I know this. To think it ceased to be a legend, and became a reality, and how it restored vision, courage and precious grace of knowing one another without fear obscuring the view.

Comments

  1. Oh sweet, Brooke,
    When I read this I was reading it for you...through your eyes, and for me—through my life, and finally I heard my late mother's voice speaking from yesterday and beyond tomorrow, sharing her love and her life, her struggles, which I never really allowed space for, after all...she was the mother. But in your piece I walk beside her, seeing her fully and feeling her skittish heartbeat. Knowing that her love burned brightly beneath the fear, and furiously in the darkest of times, but I was too afraid to see it. Love Never Dies—indeed. It is here. It is now. It is God.
    Sending my love to you, Brooke. Thank you for sharing the depth, width, and truth of you. Your words are a journey to healing.
    Love!
    Leah

    ReplyDelete
  2. So happy for you and your daughters! What a beautiful adventure.

    ReplyDelete

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