|Beautiful Photo Art by Jahanzeib|
I had the wonderful opportunity to take Oprah and Brené Brown's class on The Gifts of Imperfection. Usually I tend to stay clear from mainstream events like this, but I am so glad that I followed the (assumed) hordes of people taking this class. It was truly life-changing.
One of the assignments was to find our mantra. I took this very seriously, as there are so many mantras that could ring true for me right now, so many of that I have heard that have spoken deeply to me, but I knew there was that one that would zing for me--and these days zing is code for makes me weep with resonance, almost as if it were my direct line to Source.
Well, this morning, I woke up with a mantra zinging in my mind.
Feel This Moment
This was it, this was what made me weep. All those mantra possibilities that felt so enlightened, that reminded me of what was important, fell away, and this one took its place at the center of me.
There is no place to go, nothing to search for, nothing to experience or understand--just to feel this moment, and this moment, and this moment---for the rest of my life.
And when I say feel, it is the kind of feel that makes you want to sway with music unheard, dance around with your eyes closed, like nobody is watching. The kind of feel that vibrates with aliveness, that causes the rigid parts to fall away, and to soften.
This kind of feeling has only come to me in the ultimate surrender to the moment, letting go of all my ideas about how the moment should look, how it should play out--letting go of being slave to my fears of living an empty, meaningless, scary, unpredictable, unsafe world-- taking these fears on for me, and for others, of course.
In this surrender there is Life unblocked, streaming. I feel hope, as this new experience is coming to perhaps one of the most blocked, anxious, stressed out, perfectionist ideals seeking, judgmental of the moment if it ain't going my way, or looking like my brand of palatableness--is that a word?-- people I know, ME.
I think of Anita Moorjani, who was miraculously cured of cancer, (read her book about her near death experience, Dying to Be Me) who said her cancer was her perfect gift.
I am beginning to see how my anxious, perfectionist, stressed out, judgmental need for my world to look a certain way, and waiting for it to be that way to begin living, and protecting myself from it not being that way, (with chocolate and Netflix) has been a gift.
After a lifetime of suffering and several years of intense seeking and searching, learning and looking at myself head-on in the mirror, it is literally only the past month!!!! or so when I have had true moments of surrender when I have FELT THE MOMENT without DIS-EASE standing and blocking most of my way. In fact, leaning into the dis-ease and not running from it has been as important as leaning into the joy that can be scary too, as the nature of joy is that it is so fleeting.
Recently, I was with my loverboy, (who has amazing taste in music:):) at the concert for Carbon Leaf, at the Doug Fir Lounge in Portland, Oregon, and it was the first concert where I truly and fully lost myself in the music. Let go and just let the music fill me. After all this time, a new first. Who knew?!
I remember several years ago when I started to experience music differently. I'd been doing Sedona Method releasing, and feeling myself grounded in my body a little bit more. One evening at a chamber music concert I felt the music, the textures and timbres of the instruments, volume, nuance of melodies and harmonies penetrate my heart space. New sensations? And so many years post music school--incredible I was just feeling it? That blocked?! What else wasn't I feeling? How far could this go? Constipation of the senses, and I never knew?!
Apparently there was a continuum of how much I could feel, and I was just discovering it.
The other night at Carbon Leaf, the music was not just taken into the heartspace, it was like it infused itself into all of my cells, and I had permission to let go and just BE with it.
I am becoming convinced that Feeling is the biofeedback of Aliveness. It is the way home to yourself and to seeing your human experience in a whole new precious way.
With my rigidness and fear, I wasn't feeling much--and there within lies the gift. My rigidness and fear--my sickness-- creating a deadness, and also the perfect contrast for when I would begin to let go, and to feel and be in my body differently, to experience differently, all through the senses. Give myself permission like my body was a tuning fork, and each experience was asking to receive a certain resonance, and the end result of that fine-tuning would be fullness, aliveness, deep pleasure, meaning, resonance, connection, vision--seeing with new eyes--the orgasm of the senses, the orgasm as the perfect metaphor, the act of making love itself, a metaphor for a life that because of the richness of sensations would slow us down to notice every tiny touch, caress, sensation, vibrancy within the world, within each other.
I look outside my window as I write this, and I am not missing seeing the giant maple reaching to the sky, part of it is still green with leaves, the middle is caught in a rainbow of fall colors, coupled with snow on my roof. All the other leaves in the city have long fallen, and the stubbornness of this tree to let go of its leaves is magnificent!
Old eyes: Why won't the leaves fall off that tree faster? How many weeks am I going to have to get out there and rake, or not rake and have my neighbors judging me?
New eyes: I have never seen anything so beautiful as this tree partly green, as though it is sovereign and steadfast to itself, to its own power, warrior-like in its ability to withstand the cold, to delay the change of the season. Also partly on fire, as to go out in a blaze, as certain branches begin to give way to the powerful force of nature that says when, that organizes living things into phases of change, that commands the seasons: a Force that rules all. And yet, the trees rises up to meet this Force--perhaps to commune with it? with the fullness of LIFE, with its desire to show outward signs of vitality, to go out with an explosion of color, long after all of the others trees have lost their leaves. I love this tree. It inspires me. What poetry, what expression of Life.
Feel This Moment
I will not miss the poetry of this world, via nature, via the people in it, via the creations, the possibilities for creation and communication, via all of the senses that are waiting for us to savor all of it.
The other night I had a dream that I was trying to open my eyes. I could feel that they were closed shut, but another eye was opening and blinking in the middle of my forehead. It was a wild sensation, as it blinked just like my bodily eyes, but saw a misty world that seemed full of knowledge that could only be felt, that was so beyond words. Then I felt my ears open, and I could hear all kinds of sounds. What I remember most were cricket sounds that rose up in my dream world, and how perfectly tuned they were.
Wonder. Awe, at what else there is to feel, via the five senses, plus two other senses that I read about in Women Who Run with the Wolves, by Clarissa Pinkola Estés, and which I have begun to regard as the binding forces of all the senses, and the necessary senses that synthesize experience and create meaning : animation and feeling.
There is an Aliveness, and I take my mantra as the gift it is, to wake up in every moment and feel it, soften into it, notice it, and live from there.
Decadent. So there is a reason for it ALL. Yum.