I have been feeling a little blocked around the blog lately, mostly because I've been stepping out professionally into the world. And something old and scared in me still feels like I must separate out the spiritual side and the academic side to be taken seriously. But something new in me knows that this couldn't be further from the truth, and that a reanimation from an integration of all the diametric parts of the whole in a person is what I most resonate with and value in my experience with people. I've always championed this! I love the courage to exercise a certain authenticity, to show up fully as ourselves, with all our many strengths, unique vulnerabilities, explorations and new found awareness of our biased perspectives, which makes us so juicy and accessible.
Somehow I know that deep in my bones, our authentic and messy human experience is meant to be shared, that we are meant to cultivate a whole version of ourselves that doesn't ask us to hide or rework aspects of ourselves to be palatable for others, stemming from the fear that others might not digest our version or might judge us.
I have learned so much in the past couple months.
A few of you might have received my about me page where I reworked my descriptions of myself for people who might newly encounter me at this stage. It was so interesting to rewrite, and to feel into new parts of myself, and to release old parts that really no longer feel true to who I am. A few weeks later, I feel as though I could rewrite it again. I remember Anais Nin writing about the self as a continual process verses a set being, and I very much feel that way. In fact, I feel that way about almost every bit of being-ness, be it animal, plant, mineral, relationship. Everything in a process. Nothing so set in stone, not even a stone:).
And the less I try to preserve the old, the more I see how I take the form of a wheel, continually in motion to new destinations and discoveries.The hub of the wheel, or the core from which the movement radiates has become grounded and 'centralized' in the art and practice of deep, deep letting go, ALWAYS defaulting to Love at every literal turn.
It was such a breakthrough to embrace all of what I do and feel I am meant to do in this world. It was powerful to admit to myself that I am a piano teacher AND ressurecter--hmm ressurecter, what a funny word that just popped in here. But that is what I find myself doing--freeing people from the deadened parts of themselves, mental, physical blocks, creative blocks. I find myself continually bearing testimony of magic, of possibility, of support, of deep unconditional and abiding love.
There has been a tremendous amount of fear in the quieter moments, but it has felt like even it has had a purpose, perhaps simply birthing pains. In working with students, clients or just communing with friends, I have never been so awake and clear that BIG Love abounds. It is unconditional. It takes deep work and deep excavating of monsters in the closet to get there, but once the intention is set, we need only trust the very zigzag process that will take us closer and closer to the good stuff.
Wow, remember my Geronimo declaration?! I have had so many of them that I can hardly count them. I have been facing demons like crazy lately, deciding to wake up from nightmare after nightmare, and shed light in the dark places. This has been in the form of dealing with back taxes (a huge one), putting myself out there in the work force before I am sure my kids are ready, and all my ducks are in a row, trying new things and listening deeply for what wants to be born, facing big fat fears and rejection in relationships, and taking my space back, like wielding a chainsaw to tame my hawthorn tree that had taken over my backyard. Very poetically a young artist came and salvaged the wood from it and will make pretty wood turned art!
And I think that is what I am most hoping for and trusting, is that I am deeply waking up to a new reality where everything I touch turns to bloom. This isn't a pretentious magic. This is the fruit from deep and very arduous soul searching--facing some of the terrifying things, including me in the mirror, OUCH and questioning all my thoughts and beliefs that would keep me a helpless little victim, terrorizing others with my victimhood. This has been about cultivating a fierceness to balance my meekness, and letting the two of them push and pull me so out of kilter, that I couldn't help but see things differently through the distortions--and yet, perhaps the view through the distortions is becoming the clearest view.
I have seen how destructive my fearful parts have been. Where the places I suffer the most, which are usually with those relationships nearest and dearest to me, is where I am holding on the tightest, have my eyes clenched shut, bracing myself for rejection and more rejection. And I see how unavailable I've been because of it. And yet I release myself from the lack of doing it all perfectly, and I take the steps to give from a place of wholeness to those I have wronged with my perceptions of fear and lack. I am patient about the time it will take to find a sense of healing with these loved ones, because I have much to give now. I finally feel like I have more of myself to work with, to give with, to love with--from a true place that can't be as easily extinguished.
So, here is to everything I touch blooming, because my perceptions of blooming have changed. The new definition is less and less dictated by the disease of perfectionism, that shuts out any life since life is imperfect. My perception of blooming is being instructed more and more by the desire for personal growth from deep within the core, because I can, and because it is fun to show up fully and meet others there in honoring and celebration.
What is so amazing to me, and so wants to be expressed today is simply this. It is so much easier to jump in the river than to wait on the bank, worried about the undertows and whirlpools waiting to drown you. The energy of the river surrounds you when you jump in. The current takes you. The white waters are softened by something holding you.
I go back to my little girl self when I stood paralyzed by the monster Snake River in Idaho, where my grandparents lived right on the bank, and whose house was flooded by it more than once. I look down at that little one who felt so much fear when she looked at the river and how fast it moved, as she imagined herself getting whisked away by it and it having its way with her--made giant-size fear by well-meaning adults--and I show her the river again, its power, its beauty, the adventure of it, the speed, the volume, and we laugh together, get excited about all the possibility of those awesome forces contained all in one body, especially when they radiate from the heart-space, especially when there is someone to share the adventure stories with, who really gets it, because they used to only see monsters too, but now they take hands with monsters and jump in!
breath of life, blood of life
powerful and fierce, and yet, so soft and loving.
between the two I no longer reside
I become where they meet, fuse together and radiate out
without any reason