Skip to main content

Day 2 in the Wild-erness!

                                                                                Photo found here

I can certainly feel a release in it being day 2 and having survived beginning. What I am noticing is how powerful it is to write about this process and have others read it and even work along with me, rather than being on my own. It is feeling less a need to be held accountable, and more about truly feeling myself wanting to dive into the river and find my friends in there helping me to navigate the rough waters, and helping make the smooth part of the ride enjoyable too!

I hadn't anticipated I would feel any of this joy, and certainly not so soon.

This morning I had to put up birthday decorations, for my precious daughter who is turning the magical number 11! So, I didn't get to my writing until 7:45. However, I am okay with a degree of flexibility around the time, but determined to show up! And it feels like the forces are conspiring to keep me doing so. I am feeling a fount of love and support outside of myself, people truly cheering for me to GO!

I have to wonder if I am starting to have found a solid sense of  love and support inside myself as well.

Often these days when I feel lack and fear-- the familiar moans and groans of a wounded and sickly monster of wanting rising up within me, I soothe it by repeating the mantra,  I am deeply loved and appreciated. I do this ten times as I touch a finger at a time to my body, which somehow connects the mind/body mechanisms. I learned this technique at The World Domination Summit 2013, from amazing Andrew Warner of Mixergy.com. Our worlds collided after I realized that I had been given 'deeply loved and appreciated' in my life, and it still wasn't enough! Even in the midst of this love, I would feel sad, fearful and rejected, so, it was time to heal this from within.  It has been different than just repeating an affirmation. This is no longer wishful thinking, it is waking up to the truth that there is great love abounding, and I am the one cutting off its access to me.

Today, writing, I can see that it is the same process of cutting off, or letting in. There is great reward and creativity abounding, and I've been the only one cutting off access by letting my fears reign supreme.

I am so thankful for this leap of faith, which really feels more like being grounded in a reality that was always there; the truth being that I never needed to hold back any of myself to please those who would judge people for working to be free, to create,  to feel more alive.

I remind myself that I will never have the blessing of those people, until I have success to show for it--but through amassing my own inner love and acceptance, I believe I am skipping the part where I need their blessing all together!

I am thinking of the half marathon I did earlier this fall, and how I was met with such a loving cheering section of my kids and a very special man in my life. How they showed up at so many points cheering me along with homemade signs, accepting and celebrating me, even though I was bringing up the rear. It is still hard to not be embarrassed, but I do feel happy that I got in the game. And the support and love still reverberates in my heart and soul. Permission to play. Permission to be imperfect. Permission to be loved and supported. This is so what I desire to extend to all living things--a sort of mercy that extends from the fabric of what is Real.

I  thought that the half marathon was about me conquering my fear of running and of not being a runner, but in the end, it was about being deeply loved and supported, even being slow and ungraceful.

In the end, maybe this is the permission I've needed to show up to write. It doesn't need to be perfect out of the gate, it may never lead me to being a writer, but it sure is helping me to feel loved, seen, encouraged, and in the game! And exploring a world that I would regret never having ventured into fully!

So, day 2--feeling blessed. On the yellow brick road. Meeting great companions along the way. Off to see the wizard, to find my courage, heart, brain and perhaps the notion that the feeling of home was in me all along!


Comments

  1. I'm here reading, dear Brooke, smiling so big - cheering you on like crazy.

    There is so much power & energy in this post.

    "This is so what I desire to extend to all living things--a sort of mercy that extends from the fabric of what is Real."

    A thousand YES-es! I love you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ahhh, dear Julia. I am so happy to have you along for the ride. It means everything to me, and I cherish you, your wisdom and our friendship so much. Thank you for all of you support and encouragement, and endless joining together on the journey to help each other up the mountain--only to realize the climbing is the fun part, and the whole point of it all! Love you!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Your post this morning really blessed me Brooke. I love how Spirit connects, feeds, and guides us in such a serendipitous manner. These statements really hit home.

    "Permission to play. Permission to be imperfect. Permission to be loved and supported. This is so what I desire to extend to all living things--a sort of mercy that extends from the fabric of what is Real." Wow! This is glorious and what I wish to offer the inhabitants of this weary weary world.

    "I thought that the half marathon was about me conquering my fear of running and of not being a runner, but in the end, it was about being deeply loved and supported, even being slow and ungraceful." I have a fear of running Brooke. I literally can't breathe when I try to do it. I believe it is fear and I hate it. I love that you overcame this fear. You amaze me more every day.

    "In the end, maybe this is the permission I've needed to show up to write. It doesn't need to be perfect out of the gate, it may never lead me to being a writer, but it sure is helping me to feel loved, seen, encouraged, and in the game! And exploring a world that I would regret never having ventured into fully!" This is what writing is all about. Thank you for reminding me.

    "Off to see the wizard, to find my courage, heart, brain and perhaps the notion that the feeling of home was in me all along!" The feeling of home was in me all along. I have been homesick since the day I was born Brooke. I am just now, in my fifties, learning that home is me and that outside sources are not home. They can never be home.

    I love you and am so excited for you. I wrote in my novel yesterday for the first time in six months. It felt good. I'm still here with you and thank you for being here with me!

    Love!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Leah! I am so glad this post resonated with you, and I so celebrate your writing on your novel! I'm glad movement with me has inspired you to come along. I feel you here, and I am so thankful for your love and encouragement!

      Delete
  4. YAY! And Happy Birthday to your daughter!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Elizabeth! I will forever think of you and Maeve at this time too! Sending blessings and love your way!

      Delete

Post a Comment

♥ Thank you for taking the time connect with me here. ♥

Popular posts from this blog

RIP Poltergeist

After over ten years of an incredibly intense journey as a seeker, I find myself lying fallow. Taking a rest. When I first discovered this uncomfortable fact — threat to the hamster wheel that was my spiritual rat race, I surrendered for dead, but something wouldn’t let that fact sit as truth. I was lying fallow, but this implied that after a good rest, fruit could follow. This had nothing to do with death.

I am humbled at the courage it takes to write. For many years I kept a blog read by only a handful of very supportive people, and you’d think that after sharing writing for so long with perfect strangers, writing would have gotten easier. Actually, it got harder. In fact, at one point I was so paralyzed, I just stopped writing altogether. It was just too vulnerable. There was no trust there anymore, and I attributed any courage I had had to my youthful ignorance.

However, life continues, as it inevitably does, and there is still this pang to write, and it grows stronger and strong…

Adventure

Another painting I loved making. I had so much fun just layering paint and swirling about.

Adventure has been a big part of my world as of late. In fact, writing this after a long day of skiiing. Where I used to shy away from leaving the house, I've been doing the opposite. Finally really getting to know my beautiful state and bask in its beauty-- hiking to the top of many peaks--sometimes limping the last stretches back to the car. Took my girls camping on the beach without a 'man'  and was so proud when I got the campfire started multiple times. The girls had their doubts I could do it. It was nice to prove them wrong! My most favorite was the day I drove 5 hours to the closest passport office on a wing and a prayer to get a same-day passport (wing and a prayer because they tell you you can drive all that way, but that there is no guarantee they can/will help you) so I could accept an invitation to see the woman's soccer world cup, and within a week was in Vancouver…

Pillow Talk

Today I felt the familiar pangs of conversing with my body, it forever unyielding to my demands that it shape itself pretty now. That it chase itself back to its few glory days.

I tell my body that I would be ready to appreciate those days of yore now that I know what I missed while vying for the shapes and sizes of the other women around me.

Over and over my mind and I have run this particular proclamation to my body.

Then, we are good on our road, until the mind closes in and starts to overtake my strides.

You'll never make it there, you are too far gone, it taunts. It is too late.It isn't possible for you.

Then, so predictable--it attacks the most vulnerable part of me. The part I hide, keep covered, feel sure is my perfect disgrace: my belly.

The scale tipped in favor of shame today. Shame that I'd let the house of my being become so run down. That I'd let myself use food to comfort me, pick me up, enhance experience-- and that in the process I'd packed on the ext…