Day Dreams, Lawton S. Parker (1868 – 1954)
Just let me allow myself to be me, is the prayer that is the current gravitational pull of my thoughts.
Been coming up against so many fences in myself--feeling that they are far too high to climb. Why it is so hard, however, is really because I am asking for more than just being able to walk tall with a name and face and a certain skill set. No rather, I am asking for a more divine quotient, Just let me be Me.
This is a little harder to pin down. It requires much more openness and patience. It requires much more courage. It includes the dark and the light. The whole individual, for better or for worse. Much more challenging for me to give myself permission. Much more challenging to trust and understand just what wants to be expressed from Me. Much more risk in the execution (wow, do we really use this word for a following through of an idea, and when we behead people? No wonder I'm afraid!), and fear that I could fall to my death when I leap.
Yes, She is not quite as solidified in my being. A lot of fear that She won't be strong enough-- might fail me. And yet, it is only with Her that I've ever felt any real authentic strength at all.
Most of it has to do with just how I can marry Her with an actual creation that I can hold in my hands, touch and cradle--the desire to experience the oneness of seeing something through to the end, true to a light within, that is often obscured by fear. This is my heart's desire, now that so many bridges have been crossed inwardly--to birth something outwardly--and not just that--there is the pressure of just how I can succeed in this world without getting a 'real' job. Although I feel open to a real job, which in my case is teaching piano, there is something painfully prodding me to see something else through before I submit to what is predictable, easy and safe.
And yet, what my heart keeps beckoning me to do, would be laughed at out loud and scoffed at by some from whom I still seek approval.
So, the question begs, do I appease those who would laugh at me, or touch those who will remember my song and help them to remember theirs?
I use 'song' rather deliberately. A wonderful couple I know reminded me of a moment a while back at a new moon ceremony, when we took turns surrounding one another and gifting our healing presence of love. When surrounding a soul-sister of mine, I surprised myself by breaking out in song, and sang her a sweet melody as I held her hand--with as much ease as if I were her mother, singing her a lullaby. It was the most spontaneous moment I've ever experienced of marrying my heart with any action in the world. It was never something I would have dared to plan for, even for effect, assessing just the right moment to insert a song. No, what was so beautiful is that it surprised even me. The song just rose out of me in that moment, and perched itself on my lips and took flight, finding a home in all of our hearts.
This is the way my work is rising up and out of me at the moment. This is the way I want to live--letting a golden light of love and clarity work through me to transform the hearts of those who are weary, who seek refuge, who wish to know another reality--to remember a song that haunts them to remember.
I, in turn, desire the natural joy and warmth, the ease of expression, the sense of purpose, in my work, that I felt when I held my little girls as newborns and sang to them, nurtured them--helped them to grow into little and then big girls.
And yet, I want to crush what is rising up for my consideration, because it has no rational basis. I find myself tripping over my tongue when I try to explain it to those who haven't spent the last several years in soul excavation.
Yet, I am awed by the power of what is desiring stronger footing in this world, how it is preparing me little by little to move, and continually reminding me that I really have no choice.
And I know so many of you fellow artists of the soul, are right here with me. I see how we have to be so strong for one another, how each step, tiny, baby steps--focusing only on one foot in front of the other at a time, must be highly supported by the nurturing energy of one another, for us not to fall--and if we do, just how much our presence is sorely needed to help each other right back up again.
We are learning to walk, and getting ready to run.
And it requires so much faith--so much reliance on an inner compass we've always been following--yes, I am realizing this is no different from my exodus out of Mormonism and even my marriage, to find something on my own terms--something that couldn't thrive in those environments--and I never looked back. But yet, this feels larger scale--like I'm finally facing the bad boys of the illusion: money, power, the bottom dropping out, the labels, the legacy.
It is finding a whole new way--final frontier--final liberation--so much letting go of what we thought we knew--what was safe--and now at this moment, when our backs are up against the wall--when the money, time, etc. is running out, and we are called upon to leap big time...will we make it?
This was never about making it on 'their' terms--and yet, how do we attempt to explain ourselves to 'them', when we can't explain it to ourselves-- and why do we have to?
Don't we all share an ancient memory in our being, of oppression, of having to lower our expectations, of having to shrink to fit the world we live in?
Moving past this seems to be the only thing that matters right now--and not just for us, but to create a new possibility that becomes so strong, people can't help but stop and stare, and want a piece of it. I see it happening with so many, and this is heartening.
So, I may look silly running about wildly, staking my claim, sticking a flag in my little bit of immortal real estate--shaped like the wind--perhaps felt, but hard to see, but I think it is time.
I can't shake this feeling that I'll be glad to have gotten in when I did!