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Happy Holidays, and some thoughts that I didn't intend to write, but that I'm glad I did.

Happy Holidays!


If you haven't seen the movie, Finding Joe, you might want to treat yourself for an after Christmas present. Especially if your interest is peaked by the work of the great Joseph Campbell. (For those of you local, you can find it playing at the Darkside Cinema (not for too much longer)). Worth taking a trip out, to learn about and delve deeper into the hero's journey. You can also watch it online, but call me old fashioned, there is something about actually leaving the house to enjoy a work of art!

Also, I loved this Ted talk. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7tu9nJmr4Xs I think this talk speaks to bigger picture thinking, and perhaps looking at all variables as we heal our lives, our bodies, and our hearts.

Here are some of my culminating thoughts at the end of this year:

IT IS ALL ABOUT BEING ABLE TO CONNECT WITH ONE ANOTHER, SO THAT WHAT LIFE WE DO LIVE, IS EXPERIENCED WITH SUPPORT, RICHNESS, HONORING-- WITH AN ABILITY TO LOVE AND RECEIVE LOVE, THAT IS ORGANIC FEELING IN NATURE.

IT IS ABOUT MOVING TOWARD EASE IN OUR RELATIONSHIPS, BY TRANSFORMING THEM, OR LETTING THEM GO, SO THAT WE MAY HAVE THE EXPERIENCE OF FEELING LIKE WE HAVE RETURNED TO OUR VERY OWN PLANET, SO THAT WE MAY GROW WHO WE ARE, SO THAT WE MAY BECOME STRONG ENOUGH TO VISIT OTHER PLANETS AND NOT LOSE OURSELVES THERE.

IT IS ABOUT PUTTING ON OUR OWN OXYGEN MASKS FIRST, SO THAT WE MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP OTHERS WITH THEIRS.

Okay, losing the all caps. Although, that was fun.

It is about bridging schools of thought. I don't think any of us can exist in this world any more separating ourselves into different camps. I notice that when we let go of what we think we know, our bullshit meter sharpens, but so does our ability to speak clearly, lovingly,  and to come together to create goodness. Or maybe it looks like speaking FIRMLY and PASSIONATELY to someone who has always talked down to you, or treated you less than. They may not see you or hear you, but maybe you'll begin to see your unique and amazing self!

It becomes evident when we, or another, is speaking from fear, or old pain, or trying to protect dying beliefs, and evident when we are speaking to creation and possibility. You feel it. You feel it in conversation. You expand or you contract with one another.

Tell the truth, even if your vulnerability exposes you as hoarding your pain. This is the beginning of connecting and opening to support and supporting. It is okay to hoard your pain. We all do it, and we all hide that we do.

When you are clear, you love and you have compassion, but you do not compromise yourself for the fear or pain, or the well-versed guilt/victim identity of another. You let it be theirs, and let go of you upholding it with your own. You stop the parasitic relationships. You let you and them be valued enough to not be a victim of victim identity, yours or theirs. You focus on rising up and out of the old patterns. Sometimes this process can be ugly.

I am finding no more excuses for not becoming clear or for remaining a victim. I've used all of them, and they don't hold water. But I don't always know if I am doing it right--but what is right? Was right really bowing my head in submission while being told to submit, when I was being told to be ashamed of not being something completely different?

My biggest realization, is that victimhood is there in me to teach me/force me into a choice: to die inside, or to reach out to my brother, but not in a needy way, but in a 'hey, I have this aspect of my experience that isn't working for me, I could use some support, some perspective, some unconditional love for where I am at right now.' Victimhood is there to teach me to be heard. If not by one, then another. The more I have spoken out, the more the right person has begun to hear. There is something about feeling heard and seen in this life that helps you to learn a new language called LOVE.

It is not about pretending I am fine, when I am not. Take a risk. Ask. Ask for more. Not to do it all on my own, but to say, I don't know what I am doing. I need help, and I am sick of pretending, and I need arms around me and some support here. And to ask, and to see how just that expression of despair doesn't make you pathetic, but starts to set you free from something you CAN NEVER BECOME FREE FROM ALL ON YOUR OWN. THE POINT IS WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER. WE CANNOT DO IT ALONE.

Do you know what I am saying, however, about this not being a needy energy? That comes from clarity. That comes from wise loved ones calling us on our stories, because they see that we need the truth more than we need to strengthen our victim defense. This might be different for different personalities. Those who never ask for anything, who are sure they have to do it on their own, may find themselves being given to for the first time. Those who rely too heavily on others with a needy energy, might be forced to stand on our own two feet, and be told no! or to get lost! Either way, the truth breaks up the patterns and shows us ourselves reflected in our experience.

Reaching out has brought arms around me that I'd not imagined could be there, it has allowed me to wrap my arms around those who can receive what I have to give. It has also shown me others who cannot give, because they are too steeped in their own pain. It has shown me very clearly that we are often a reflection of one another at that time. But instead of wasting time upholding the dysfunction of a relationship that isn't giving or able to receive by either of us, I am gravitating more and more towards putting energy relationships that can be more functional, that can help me practice this collaboration of being supported and supporting. This is where the effortlessness comes in. I notice in these functional relationships, everything is reciprocal. The giver is the receiver, the receiver is the giver--all at the same time. In Buddhism, this is called Dana.

I am finding that these relationships are a safe place for opening up and expressing, for feeling loved unconditionally, for feeling equal, but unique, and this seems to expand for all involved.

Here is what I will remind myself of in every moment this new year:

There is nothing to protect.

Everything happening outside of me is a mirror for what exists inside.

Loving yourself has protective properties.

Bravely move in the direction of your joy.

Let in all experience and do not judge it.

Let go of enabling people to treat you poorly.

Stand in your power, and stop asking for less than the bare minimum, even if it feels like you are a horrible person and selfish. You aren't. Ask for the scenic view always!!!! You are worthy.

Let yourself feel. Let yourself express. But own that whatever is outside of you exists within you--but, so what! Do not judge it. Let it play itself out to take you to the other side of it.

Let anger burn through to movement, change and growth. Trust the process that will lead you home, even if it looks or feels rocky. Sometimes it isn't pretty, but it is clarifying. It happens of its own accord in the perfect situations.

Let go of holding onto old regimes at the expense of living or protecting your fear or others' fear.

Choose life, better yet, let life choose you. Let it move you. Let it start the fire under your ass.

Love yourself more than you ever thought you could, because it will open up a world of truly loving and experiencing love, and you will see that the rest was all just an act. That the way you loved was taught to you by people who knew nothing of love, through no fault of their own. That this appearance of love was about fearing yourself and your weakness in this world, and protecting the weakness of those around you. You believed if they lost your protection they would die. Bullshit. If I have learned one thing, is that none of us are weak. None of us need anything. None of us need to be protected. This protection enables victimhood. When we buy into this way of thinking, our love is all about saving others, and nothing about experiencing love together. We are tethered to one another, instead of free-floating, and we move only if others allow it. We are in bondage by our brother.

When we stop protecting, we stop enabling and we begin to move from deeper reaches within ourselves, and we actually MOVE. And we free those around us, who have been kept comfortably paralyzed by our paralysis-- by our own self- imprisonment.

It is loving to let go and let people clean up their own shit. It is loving to clean up our own shit and stop worrying about that of others.

Take a leap of faith, even if you are scared shitless, and watch how you begin to sprout wings you never knew you had. And watch how the people you thought you had to hold up surprise you. They either find the same difficult patterns elsewhere in life, until they can't stand it anymore, and have to do things differently-- but you aren't a supportive role in their drama-- or they transform themselves!! and they never needed you like you thought they did!

And our children. Wow, this has been the most freeing thing for me. They are here to teach us. They do not need our protection. They need our fully living. My daughters need me to fully love myself and live a life that is rich and full. They need me not to pretend it is all good, they need me to know for myself that it is all good. They do not need me to be a victim of my life. My setting myself free, sets them free. It doesn't make sense, but they smell my fear miles away, and it kills their spirits slowly (not that there is anything to protect, but it strengthens their own victim-identity). But they see my courage and light and they move toward it like moths to a flame, and it warms them and holds them steady and shows them that they are not victims of this big bad world, and that they are worth asking for more than suffering in this life.

The most shocking thing I have discovered is that letting myself feel emotions, (even scary ones like anger), and allowing myself to express myself, has helped me to let go of really old shit and to move forward. Letting my kids express their anger and disappointment helps them to let go too. Why would it be any different?

Letting myself be human, imperfect, and awesome just as I am, has helped me to ask for things that I never even considered I could ask for. It has changed what characteristics I value in myself and others. It is freeing me from a victim identity and from seeing others as victims. I would have thought that this way of being would have shut off my empathy and compassion, but it has only magnified them, made them stronger and truer, because they aren't based on fear of the world, but on those golden threads that connect us.

Okay, big stuff. Didn't intend to write all this, but guess it is a preview of what I've been discovering-- those gold nuggets that indicate you've found the motherload.

Who knows what the new year will bring?! I am curious where my writing will go. Feeling like it doesn't end at self-help, but at creation. It has been a little quiet here, mostly because new worlds of thought have been opening to me, and I'm not sure how to distill it all into words, although, I intend to make a go of it, if just to report on my hero's journey. According to Campbell, it is the only identity we have! What will we do with it?

Seems as if I am being whispered to almost daily--sometimes shouted at, certain truths--little snippets of wisdom that are slowly chipping away at all the walls I believe are standing between me and fully experiencing life and engaging with it. Seeing how letting go of the old, makes way for the new--and with it comes newborn eyes! Which means it is hard to know how to synthesize any of it.

The walls are coming down, and I realize that it is only I who puts a limit on how much light I can let in. Sometimes the light has been staggeringly bright, and I've had to shut down and turn off the lights--most literally. Check out for a while and bring back some darkness, some ancient pain, until I am stronger--until I can trust the light.

Very curious where all this will go, because I truly have no idea. I do know that I have turned a corner in my life. No more living to protect others or myself, which is all I lived for before.

Nothing more to protect. What would that look like?

I know that the boldest and bravest steps I have taken thus far in my life, no matter how much I've looked like a bull in a China shop (thanks for this analogy, Carie)--have changed everything, and there is no going back. This world is begging for us weaklings, with so much love to be freely given, to be bulls.

Comments

  1. Brooke, you are so beautiful. Reading this gave me the sensation of one who had been wandering through a foreign land, wanting to speak and hear, only not understanding the language, but then I crossed a border and found Brooke speaking my language… Sharing the things that matter. The things that she has discovered along her journey. Truths found buried beneath mountains of pain, excavated by boldness and hunger.

    I will need to reread this post again and again, because I saw myself hiding behind pillars and shrubs, and coaxing myself out won’t be easy. It’s funny how we can learn so much, and really feel like we’ve made huge progress, and then life introduces a new variable, one with skin on, and a vast shared history, and BAM, it’s back to the beginning again.

    I’m not afraid of the beginning, although it seems like such a long way back, and I worked so hard to come this far. But I’m noticing that this beginning isn’t the same the second time around. Things somehow seem smaller. Perhaps the journey won’t take as long seeing I’ve been here before.

    Loving myself instead of seeking love for myself. This is the key to unlocking the door. The door that leads to a vast place where everything is as it should be and fear is chained to a tree out back.

    Brooke, I love you. Thank you for being bold brave and hungry.
    I shall return;)
    Love,
    Leah

    ReplyDelete
  2. Beautiful way to begin a new journey around the sun. Thank you, Brooke!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you, Brooke, for sharing your journey. There is so much wisdom here. As I read your post, I could feel things shifting. I am grateful!

    ReplyDelete

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