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A title that would express that everything before now was a mere shadow of living, that life has just begun, and that the sheer amazingness of it all is nothing short of mind-blowing

Hello friends!

No I haven't dropped off the face of the earth, although, life sure does feel differently these days--like maybe I did wake up on another planet.

I've been on this blog for a couple years now, but it feels as if I've just begun to really write on here as truly me, as of the last month or so. The rest of this blog feels sweet and precious, but too careful and flavored with apology for my taste--like I was tiptoeing around, being brave in the safest ways, just enough to tell it like it is as best I knew, but leaving much of the juicy parts out. I see that I was steeped in wishful thinking. Now I feel like I am taking big bold steps in faith.

It is like I have finally reached a density of self heavy enough to withstand the fear hurricanes that would blast through here, keeping me forever scavenging for safety, and finding only the most pathetic shelter. Now the hurricanes feel like a fly buzzing around my nose. They piss me off, but they are nothing a fly swatter can't obliterate. I find I'm not even bracing myself for the storm. I know that I have nothing to fear, and so I am not letting the fear distract me from what is real.

So, I am curious what this new beginning will bring, now that I've stopped holding back, stopped vying for approval, stopped feeling the terror of telling the truth—'stopped seeking the approval of idiots' (I owe credit for the idiot line to my good friend Karen:).

Been deeply participating in the life I can reach out and touch. Been slowing it way down, and barely having time to fire up the computer. Have had to turn over all the precious love connections that I have made online to the timing of the divine--trusting that there is nothing lost in the space between, but everything gained in doing what I need to do for me at the moment. And as far as I can tell, I am still loved as much, respected as much--and maybe I can even feel it more!

My house cleaning tools have also not been fired up too much either. So many things are in disarray. I have wanted to judge this, but something in me has stopped judgment, knowing that some deep healing is underway. My heart's desire at the moment is diving into the pond, feeling the cool, refreshing water as cleansing, even if the water is murky, even if my my toes come in contact with a slimy, mysterious bottom, that makes me shudder with fear and disgust every once in a while. Something is more intent on me diving in, than avoiding the discomfort.

After all this time, I am finally really learning how to live outside of the framework of an archaic, idealized and sterilized concept of perfection.

Reminds me of my daughter, who, thanks to me, became completely disgusted with cat hair getting on her pajamas, so much so, that she wouldn't touch the kitty. One night she was very upset. I knew that the cat would give her solace, but she wouldn't touch it because she didn't want to get dirty. She is six, and the kitty has been her precious friend, until she began following in my clean-freak footsteps. So, as any intuitive mother would do, I shoved the cat into her chest and rubbed it up down, and said, love your kitty, don't be like me and push away what is good for you, because of messes!! She started crying the sweetest cry I've ever heard as she wrapped her arms around the kitty and rekindled her relationship with her furry friend. I've let her room be super messy too, so that she can learn that she can play in the mess, and let friends in there despite the messes. She was starting to tell her friends they couldn't play in her room, because they would mess it up.

It sure is nice when you have a little one to teach you so much, show you where you are shutting out life, and I am finally learning it, dammit! Calls for celebration! And I know that it isn't too late for my daughters to dive in the pond with me, without needing a cement basin and insane amounts of chlorine for a feeling of well-being. 

So, been turning inward a lot lately. Lots of time doing NOTHING. Feeling a little discomfort in that, but knowing there is something about powering up from this new way of being, that cannot be birthed from the old doingness. So, the moments of nothing have been a recalibration of sorts. Lots of eyes-closed moments, sitting on the floor. Stage one was, lean into the discomfort, stage two was to try on the loser label from myself and society, stage three was to not give a shit, stage four was to really not give a shit, stage five was to really really not give and shit-- and begin to welcome little bits of insight and clarity, stage six has been to feel creative energy starting to flow through my veins, and stage seven is to show up and tell about it and begin to create! And what this is yielding like crazy is direct experience of another world. All of the new is being greatly reinforced by goodness. All the going against the grain is changing the landscape permanently. New reactions to the old that shock and move mountains. The path is being illuminated ever more clearly and supportive elements are falling into place, from a place that exists outside of the old.


I have no idea what is next, and I don't want to know anymore. I don't care. All I care about is this moment in front of me. I don't know what anything means, and I don't want to know. I don't want neat labels. I don't want anything that would limit anything. Anything that comes before me in that way has no absorption power, because it doesn't ring true as having really any meaning--like if you were going to try and argue for it, you would just sound silly trying to pin it down. I get to decide if anything has meaning or not, and it comes from a deep resonance in the heart center.

And at the same time I am becoming okay with the messes, and doing nothing, there are some bits of debris that I have been sifting through. The going within has been extremely necessary, so that I can hear the guidance needed to move through these shadowy places--circling around to the same events and people, and experiencing them differently, asking for what it never occurred to me I could ask for, in growing love and oneness. Letting go of so much fear I thought needed to stay in place for a lifetime. Bringing down my own walls, even if I might be dismissed or judged harshly for my boldness or seeming impertinence. Willing to risk it for the truth that love is all there ever was, is, or will be. Realizing it is never too much to ask for peace and healing. It is never too much to honor your fellow man.

Themes have begun to emerge. Experiences that I thought had nothing to do with one another, have merged as the same patterning sneaking up in my life. Hilarious!

And the loving interpretations I am receiving as I touch the murky depths, are coming from a deeper sense of self-love, leading me to believe and trust firmly in my heart—to realize that I have never in my life been asking for something unreasonable, in desiring peace and love—in calling bullshit on separation. This realization has been huge. It has helped me to lift the heavy cross off my shoulders and put it down. It has given me a loud and booming voice to say what is not okay, and a deep knowing of what is. It has opened up my ability to love and tune in with others, to release them as I've released myself, but not to put up with shit that is beneath them.

And I feel them thanking me, even if they don't know it yet, for not letting them act like assholes—for standing up for truth, for giving love, by loving myself and not letting their shit penetrate. I have had more love than ever to give with fiery force, now that I am not being crippled by the less than love behavior all over the place.

The guilt is done-gone as I begin to deeply trust that it isn't my problem that people can't deliver love on a platter—but that I don't have to carry that inability for them, cradle it, protect it. That I can express that it sucks, and I can also release them from delivering it, but I can give it and experience everywhere else, and not wait for eternities for anyone to deliver. And now I find I am not even wanting love in the same way. The love is just there. The trust is there. It is all good. Timing is perfect.

And often when I circle around to those who couldn't deliver, they are different because I am different. And love comes out where it couldn't before. And I am amazed.

I am learning that with no victim patterning, there is no victim.

I realize that we all have a responsibility to lean into our fear and discomfort, to be willing to look at things differently, to embark on a path of love and clarity with one another, no matter that it feels hard. I am learning that asking for this is okay. I am learning that everyone wants this, even if they are not aware of as much. I am learning this isn't a projection of mine to be laughed at as cute, nor is it all in my head. 


I am learning that resistance and anger is the askance of love, and that it is okay to make people uncomfortable. It is okay to ask for love.


No more protecting fear and small thinking.

I am learning that any other way of interacting is actually much harder and much more painful than opening up communication and finding peace, which brings release and clarity, whether it looks like it or not. 

And if you aren't willing to go there with me-- fine, but you will probably hear about it--but you won't feel unloved, or pressure to be anything you are not. Because having the courage to express a desire for oneness and clarity when it is scary, releases me from needing you to give it. I can truly love you and see you anyway. And if it stirs stuff in you to look at, it is your issue to deal with. It doesn't mean I have to stop and protect your victimhood--hold it in place for you, so you don't have to wake up and join the vast number of people who are choosing to let go and love no matter what.


So, friends, this is where I am. I have much to share here. I have many projects underway. Very excited about what the moment will bring! 


XO,


Brooke


PS. Stay tuned for tributes on my blog this month and next to a precious woman, and natural mentor--an author whose book I stumbled fortuitously on at the library, and who I was lucky enough to have grace my site here with her readership, after I left a comment on her blog. How cool is that? 


She is author and amazing human being, Elizabeth Cunningham, whose fourth book Red Robed Priestess has just made its way to bookstores. BUY IT! ALONG WITH THE OTHER THREE! You will go on the ride or your life!!! Red Robed Priestess is the final installment in the illustrious Maeve Chronicles, which star a fiery Celtic Mary Magdalen, who will knock your socks off with her brand of feminism balanced with pure heart.


Elizabeth is doing a virtual book tour, which I am so honored to be a part of, (officially Dec. 8th), so, check her site to see the schedule and be part of the fun! At the moment she is answering questions WTFWMD? For those of you who need it spelled out, what the f**** would Maeve do? And trust me, you really want to know.

I am coming back online, just so I don't miss any of this amazing woman's sharing herself, her humor, her wit, and her depth of heart, with the world!

Comments

  1. LOVE the title of this post. Appeciate your thoughts on messiness. So glad your daughter has embraced her cat! Thank you for sharing all these moments as you open to the Moment.

    And thank you for your kind words at my site and for letting people know about Maeve. You and she are clearly kindred souls!

    Thank you, thank you and blessed bees!

    ReplyDelete
  2. "Now the hurricanes feel like a fly buzzing around my nose. They piss me off, but they are nothing a fly swatter can't obliterate."

    Love this!

    There is so much energy here, Brooke--so much courage/empowerment/letting go/readiness/in the moment-ness/sweet freedom!

    Your energy is contagious, my friend.

    Here's to "no matter fucking what!"

    ReplyDelete
  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

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