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Suckerpunch


Breakout by Atari--god, you gotta love the internet!

Okay, folks. You asked for it. Well, no you didn't, but what the hey.

Tasting freedom and release, in this moment.

I think I might have just sucker punched this glass house with just the right amount of force to send the whole cage shattering down.

I could barely breathe before.

There was no more oxygen left.

It was a do or die moment.

On top of that I was holding my breath waiting for the other shoe to drop.

And somewhere between blind certainty that my world was falling apart, and the sense that I was losing my limbs, I surrendered control! I admitted that I was lost. I had no idea how to run the show.

Just thinking about how my favorite Atari game was Breakout. There was this cute little ball that would bounce around hitting a horizontal wall of stripes across the screen, and at each hit, blocks of it would disappear. When enough of them were broken through, the ball would break through into the sky and bounce the hell out of itself, smashing all the remaining blocks. It was such a rush when all your hard work and concentration yielded the bouncy dance. There I sat, in the 80's, an innocent victim of a virtual world, entrenched deeply and obsessively in foreshadow.

I totally get why I loved that game. (I totally get why I love blogging too, because you can just put random shit out there, and talk about whatever floats your boat--seriously, who downloads Atari images? That is cool).

My breakthrough wasn't very pretty. I think Martha and Mothering magazine would totally fail me.

That's the breakthrough, I decided I don't give a shit.

I decided that I was done. DONE. DONE. DONE. trying to get anyone's approval.

Because the part of me trying to get it, would never let me actually have it--not even hold it in my hands for a millisecond!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Note to self: Read that last sentence again, and again, and again.

So, here is my rebellion, beginning way too late!

My pledge to myself, today, this 4th day of October:

I will let the magic into my life.

I will bake cookies with my daughters instead of fretting over not having enough time for homework.

I will bake those cookies, even if I eat the entire batch.

I will no longer let the good stuff get edged out of my life, in the name of routine, keeping up with the Jones', the world ending, our bodies being ravaged with disease, ending up on the streets, being a failure, or just plain being a bad person!

I will no longer harbor the fear in me that feels as though Nazis will be showing up any minute to take me away.

I will no longer keep quiet and demure. I will no longer bow my head in shame or fear. I will no longer make you do it too.

I WILL NEVER AGAIN BELIEVE THAT I MUST EARN LOVE.

I WILL NEVER AGAIN BELIEVE THAT THEY MUST EARN LOVE.

I WILL NEVER AGAIN BELIEVE THAT YOU MUST EARN LOVE.

And if heaven forbid, this cage begins to form around me again, I will not hesitate to take out my Kung Fu and TAKE. IT. DOWN. AGAIN.

This is my solemn vow. No more pretending I know what the hell I am doing. I DON'T KNOW! AT LEAST THAT MUCH IS CLEAR!!!

I will no longer care again about anything, but holding my babies close, holding myself close, and feeling the great big wide expanse as all of ours--no more cages.

Comments

  1. PS. Thank you so much for your beautiful comments. They really are lovely to receive. Like I said in the last post's comment section, I feel so much love and solidarity with you and what you have to say. XO. Thank you for reading and for taking the time to leave your thoughts with me.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Brav-fucken-O!!!!! The crowd cheers as the peanut vender shoves a salted bag at the little kid with the shocked look on his face. “He’ll get over it.” says Mr. Peanut, talking out of the side of his face and winking at you. “This fucking world will eat him up if he doesn’t.”

    This sort of liberation deserves a day of celebration! Cookies for everyone!

    I love this post Brooke. You mirror what we all feel…that we don’t know much except that we have to keep living. Living ain’t swallowing a mouthful of crap and then washing it down with a Coke. Living ain’t looking at the elephant in the room and placing a doily and a lamp atop its wrinkled head so that it fits in with the décor. Living is using our eyes and our hearts, and being what we believe because if we don’t we will remain afraid…FOREVER!!!

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  3. Oh shit.

    Can I just ditto what Leah said? BRAV-FUCKEN-O! This sort of liberation certainly does deserve a day of celebration, my friend--maybe a whole lifetime. And I am here with the two of you celebrating!

    Leah, I so love what you said here:

    "Living ain’t swallowing a mouthful of crap and then washing it down with a Coke. Living ain’t looking at the elephant in the room and placing a doily and a lamp atop its wrinkled head so that it fits in with the décor."

    There's so much energy here with you two and it's contagious. I so needed this today.

    YIPPEE! And thank you.

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  4. Triple BRAV-FUCKEN-O. Oh YES. This is potent, POWER-FULL stuff. I also love every word of Leah's. I'm sick of the elephant in the room. GO BACK TO THE JUNGLE, ELEPHANT. YOU DON'T BELONG IN MY LIVING ROOM.

    Ho!

    Oh and Brooke - I just owned up to Nige that I ate a whole packet of chocolate biscuits this afternoon. So bloody what!!! Enough is enough.

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  5. You guys are so awesome! Thank you!

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  6. I laughed, I cheered, I cried.

    "I WILL NEVER AGAIN BELIEVE THAT I MUST EARN LOVE.

    I WILL NEVER AGAIN BELIEVE THAT THEY MUST EARN LOVE.

    I WILL NEVER AGAIN BELIEVE THAT YOU MUST EARN LOVE."

    ReplyDelete
  7. can you post that on the first of every month to remind us all? ;)

    I learned a dance called Kung-Fu for the goddess (danced to the song "Tangarag" from Transmongolia), and this totally reminds me of it's power. It's for mental and physical cleaning and giving room to the essential - sending powerful energy outwards while remaining soft inside.

    You kick butts!

    ReplyDelete

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