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Showing posts from October, 2011

Letting It Die

by Shadow-Light13

I gather you all around, on the eve of all hallows eve for a very special celebration of funeral rites.

Tonight is the night that I give an old framework of my being safe passage to the underworld.

I am ready to let it go. I've recently begun to hear it begging me for its release.

This moment is a solemn one, but a necessary one.

I'm trying not to jump ahead here, as I don't want to avoid looking in the coffin.

I need to look.

It is necessary that I slow myself down, and take deliberate steps around the funeral pyre, to take it in sight, before I strike the match and set it aflame, shoving it off, gleaming as it catches the currents.

It is important that I get a good look at that which I am finally ready to let die

The desire for perfection that rejects life in this moment

and the variety of forms that this takes in my experience.

I let this desire die, so that something that has been recently born in my experience might become stronger, whose breath may becom…

Living in Exile

Warning: this is a long one, but a good one. Think of this less as a blog post and more of a magazine article without all the annoying ads, or really just go away if you don't like it. Why do I think I need to sell you anything?

Okay, sorry, just needed to release the possible hostility of readers. It'll make more sense when you get to know me and my pet Exile, and how I create unreal scenarios of punishment and pain in my head.

Whew, this seems like an important post for me.

If you know me off this blog, you are used to hearing me connect the dots--almost in a manic way, as the most blatantly obvious parts of the scenery begin to poke out in my existence, revealing the stage upon which we are all precariously perched in this drama.

I rattle off play by plays, extracting the deepest meaning possible. Musically there is a lot of fanfare, a lot of returning from battle, wounded but having survived--a sense of pride in having given my all in the crusade, having braved the darkn…

Off the Game Board: Life Unplugged

Is it me, or does this big bad world seem to be busting wide open, and revealing a precious and strong beating heart--like we never needed to worry?

I used to think it was a curse that I was born deeply imprinted with the idea/obsession that life is short, fragile even, having been raised on the notion that nothing short of a miracle allowed my twin brother to survive being born so early. But now I'm realizing that cousin Death just may have been my most important relative. And that I can thank him for sticking by me, even when he was shunned mercilessly from every family get together, even though he crashed the party once or twice.

I finally get that all the time I've spent in my life thinking about how we were all just going to die in the end, and the rest of the time, suppressing this thought way down, so as not to really face it, that I was just building up the courage to finally turn around and greet Death-- just like my daughter is becoming ever so slowly able to walk down…

Pillow Talk

Today I felt the familiar pangs of conversing with my body, it forever unyielding to my demands that it shape itself pretty now. That it chase itself back to its few glory days.

I tell my body that I would be ready to appreciate those days of yore now that I know what I missed while vying for the shapes and sizes of the other women around me.

Over and over my mind and I have run this particular proclamation to my body.

Then, we are good on our road, until the mind closes in and starts to overtake my strides.

You'll never make it there, you are too far gone, it taunts. It is too late.It isn't possible for you.

Then, so predictable--it attacks the most vulnerable part of me. The part I hide, keep covered, feel sure is my perfect disgrace: my belly.

The scale tipped in favor of shame today. Shame that I'd let the house of my being become so run down. That I'd let myself use food to comfort me, pick me up, enhance experience-- and that in the process I'd packed on the ext…

Suckerpunch

Breakout by Atari--god, you gotta love the internet!

Okay, folks. You asked for it. Well, no you didn't, but what the hey.

Tasting freedom and release, in this moment.

I think I might have just sucker punched this glass house with just the right amount of force to send the whole cage shattering down.

I could barely breathe before.

There was no more oxygen left.

It was a do or die moment.

On top of that I was holding my breath waiting for the other shoe to drop.

And somewhere between blind certainty that my world was falling apart, and the sense that I was losing my limbs, I surrendered control! I admitted that I was lost. I had no idea how to run the show.

Just thinking about how my favorite Atari game was Breakout. There was this cute little ball that would bounce around hitting a horizontal wall of stripes across the screen, and at each hit, blocks of it would disappear. When enough of them were broken through, the ball would break through into the sky and bounce the hell out…

Return

Crack me ever wider open. Let enter your wisdom, your grace.

Let me surrender to each waking blow, that lifts me up and out of darkest dreams.

Let me tremble with each fall from grace, reenacted over and over, tempering me for the breath of life

that resuscitates

that brings me home, side by side, with my brother.


Nothing more to hide behind, nothing more to protect, no more hoarding emptiness.


Let my eyes be reborn, let my breath deepen with certainty.

Let me bask in your tender love, revealed itself, through my brother, as forever having filled the night sky,

just waiting to rush in,

to undam all hearts

to show us one another, as ourselves.


You've shown me that I can take it. So much braver than I ever realized.

We are all so much braver than I ever realized. We are all so much more loving than I ever realized.

So responsive, to the smallest gesture, caress-- the tiniest word, the most splendid recognition.


With all the love that rests behind it. We really are no match for it.


Let me le…