Skip to main content

With New Eyes

Artwork by Akassa

There are a few personalities that I know, that I have spent my life either resisting, judging, or in my best moments, trying to navigate safely, feeling like a fragile ship on the torrents of a raging sea.

So, in these relationships I have avoided, reacted and felt justified in my pain and anger, or tried like hell to become their equal in power, but with limited success.

However, recently it has finally dawned on me, how much energy I have spent trying to control the outcome with these personalities, to single handedly soften the energy into one that feels more comfortable to me. I have never felt anything but drained by this.

For a long while, the concepts of letting go and releasing have been growing within me, and like all concepts, have been deepening into the layers of my being, as more than just pretty tools to find peace.

But recently,the concept of release has taken on mind blowing properties. In moments I seem be getting out of the way enough to let the yearnings of my soul for inner peace take the reins, yearnings of my soul to surrender to trust take precedence--to take releasing to the deeper reaches of an emptiness and nothingness, a place of beginnings, where new is not born from the old, but rises up from its ashes.

I realize that in this new territory, the problem drops away--sometimes to the point where I can't remember what I am releasing. This was scary at first. I thought I was losing my marbles, when I would literally lose track of my problem. I'd quickly backtrack to find it, scurrying up the scaffolding of my mind until I zeroed in on it again. I noticed that when I found it again, I'd feel secure at the problem being there. Familiar.

But I also simultaneously became aware of a place where the problem no longer existed. To release a problem completely hadn't occurred to me. A problem becoming nothing. A mind becoming free from restraints. Just hadn't been on the list of possibility. What had felt possible was to wrangle with the problem for the rest of my life, and make it a more manageable size, little by little.

But to be free of the problem all together? Impossible.

Well, needless to say, this experience of no-problem-hood, even for split seconds has shaken my foundation. In a good way.

And the instability has felt good. Good enough to take with me into these interactions with personalities I find daunting.

And voila. I find myself in situations, instance after instance, letting go, stepping out of the trying. Surrendering to what is there. And having no idea how to do it, what to say, how to be.

No more navigating.

A new way.

Because it occurred to me that I was spinning my wheels trying to tame the waves of the ocean. And only because it was familiar to do so. Like I said, it never did anything but drain my power, and leave me weak.

So this new phase? I feel like Alice in Wonderland. Very curious what I will discover here.

Seems like it is as simple as walking without having to mentally intend to lift one foot in front of the other. Kind of automatic. And yet, there is movement, and yet there is no mental noise. No trying to navigate--just somehow trusting your feet will get you to the destination.

In other words, I'm not doing all the back-breaking work. Getting the mental stuff out of the way, is giving room to interactions that actually feel better with these people, but feel a little unfamiliar and unpredictable--yet better.

I can't explain it, but perhaps it is that dropping deeper into a place, where problems don't rule, opens up new ways to work together? To see one another?

Could it be that they weren't the problem? Could it be that there are no problems? Not even me? Whoa.

I love mystery. I love a life unfolding that tips me upside down into the land of the lost.

This is the place I desire to remain--watching the equivalent of chocolate rivers and gumdrop trees, marshmallow bunnies hopping, and stopping to wink. Everything is new, different, unbelievable. Nothing can be pinned down, and my eyes are wide open. I don't want to miss any of it. This is interesting.


  1. I feel like singing...HALLELUJAH!

    Your way with words, your way with letting go of the shit ROCKS my world. Seriously.

    Nothing can be pinned down. Nothing.

    Except for this....

    You kick ass.

  2. Brilliant, Brooke. As so often happens with your posts, this one is just what my heart needed to hear. Thank you!


Post a Comment

♥ Thank you for taking the time connect with me here. ♥

Popular posts from this blog


Okay, I am just here writing, because I can't quite tell you how important it is that I have full permission to write, right here today, with this energy that I am holding. To stand strong in the truth of my being, that has felt quite weak and wavering in moments, and equally strong and clear in moments, as if these parts are truly at war with one another, and I am watching to see which one will win out, but the funny division between the two is merely this, the more I let the two up for air, wrestling and churning up and me trying to find which team is going to win, which one is going to end up on top, there is just simply me, sitting on the sidelines, and really tired of watching the back and the forth, and so, I just sit and put my hand in the sand I am sitting on the beach, and feel the texture of the sand, feel it running through my hand, and there is just this amazingness of this sand moving through my hand, and it feels timeless and I begin to see shapes and outlines in the…

RIP Poltergeist

After over ten years of an incredibly intense journey as a seeker, I find myself lying fallow. Taking a rest. When I first discovered this uncomfortable fact — threat to the hamster wheel that was my spiritual rat race, I surrendered for dead, but something wouldn’t let that fact sit as truth. I was lying fallow, but this implied that after a good rest, fruit could follow. This had nothing to do with death.

I am humbled at the courage it takes to write. For many years I kept a blog read by only a handful of very supportive people, and you’d think that after sharing writing for so long with perfect strangers, writing would have gotten easier. Actually, it got harder. In fact, at one point I was so paralyzed, I just stopped writing altogether. It was just too vulnerable. There was no trust there anymore, and I attributed any courage I had had to my youthful ignorance.

However, life continues, as it inevitably does, and there is still this pang to write, and it grows stronger and strong…

Big Red Bow & Boat

The next installment in a boat series, I guess. I just loved drawing this one. It just sort of appeared one day, and I loved the hues. Thanks Sharpie, for mixing up some alluring colors for me.

It didn't start out as night, but thanks to a sharpie mishap... but I am coming to ADORE those mishaps, because my favorite part of this little drawing is that it is night!

I also love drawing these women from behind with big bows. I love the mystery of whether the boat is coming in or going out. Perhaps it is all those Victoria Holt novels I read as a girl. Thanks mom!

It is fun to just enjoy looking at art I've created, not because they are good, but because they evoke something for me in my experience--something that just feels simply a little bit more alive--tiny sparks of wonder that make me feel curious about this human existence, and our desire to create--something wordless. Sometimes I think it is the closest way that I get to brush up to my personal experience as a human. Beca…