Skip to main content

With New Eyes

Artwork by Akassa

There are a few personalities that I know, that I have spent my life either resisting, judging, or in my best moments, trying to navigate safely, feeling like a fragile ship on the torrents of a raging sea.

So, in these relationships I have avoided, reacted and felt justified in my pain and anger, or tried like hell to become their equal in power, but with limited success.

However, recently it has finally dawned on me, how much energy I have spent trying to control the outcome with these personalities, to single handedly soften the energy into one that feels more comfortable to me. I have never felt anything but drained by this.

For a long while, the concepts of letting go and releasing have been growing within me, and like all concepts, have been deepening into the layers of my being, as more than just pretty tools to find peace.

But recently,the concept of release has taken on mind blowing properties. In moments I seem be getting out of the way enough to let the yearnings of my soul for inner peace take the reins, yearnings of my soul to surrender to trust take precedence--to take releasing to the deeper reaches of an emptiness and nothingness, a place of beginnings, where new is not born from the old, but rises up from its ashes.

I realize that in this new territory, the problem drops away--sometimes to the point where I can't remember what I am releasing. This was scary at first. I thought I was losing my marbles, when I would literally lose track of my problem. I'd quickly backtrack to find it, scurrying up the scaffolding of my mind until I zeroed in on it again. I noticed that when I found it again, I'd feel secure at the problem being there. Familiar.

But I also simultaneously became aware of a place where the problem no longer existed. To release a problem completely hadn't occurred to me. A problem becoming nothing. A mind becoming free from restraints. Just hadn't been on the list of possibility. What had felt possible was to wrangle with the problem for the rest of my life, and make it a more manageable size, little by little.

But to be free of the problem all together? Impossible.

Well, needless to say, this experience of no-problem-hood, even for split seconds has shaken my foundation. In a good way.

And the instability has felt good. Good enough to take with me into these interactions with personalities I find daunting.

And voila. I find myself in situations, instance after instance, letting go, stepping out of the trying. Surrendering to what is there. And having no idea how to do it, what to say, how to be.

No more navigating.

A new way.

Because it occurred to me that I was spinning my wheels trying to tame the waves of the ocean. And only because it was familiar to do so. Like I said, it never did anything but drain my power, and leave me weak.

So this new phase? I feel like Alice in Wonderland. Very curious what I will discover here.

Seems like it is as simple as walking without having to mentally intend to lift one foot in front of the other. Kind of automatic. And yet, there is movement, and yet there is no mental noise. No trying to navigate--just somehow trusting your feet will get you to the destination.

In other words, I'm not doing all the back-breaking work. Getting the mental stuff out of the way, is giving room to interactions that actually feel better with these people, but feel a little unfamiliar and unpredictable--yet better.

I can't explain it, but perhaps it is that dropping deeper into a place, where problems don't rule, opens up new ways to work together? To see one another?

Could it be that they weren't the problem? Could it be that there are no problems? Not even me? Whoa.

I love mystery. I love a life unfolding that tips me upside down into the land of the lost.

This is the place I desire to remain--watching the equivalent of chocolate rivers and gumdrop trees, marshmallow bunnies hopping, and stopping to wink. Everything is new, different, unbelievable. Nothing can be pinned down, and my eyes are wide open. I don't want to miss any of it. This is interesting.


  1. I feel like singing...HALLELUJAH!

    Your way with words, your way with letting go of the shit ROCKS my world. Seriously.

    Nothing can be pinned down. Nothing.

    Except for this....

    You kick ass.

  2. Brilliant, Brooke. As so often happens with your posts, this one is just what my heart needed to hear. Thank you!


Post a Comment

♥ Thank you for taking the time connect with me here. ♥

Popular posts from this blog

Here With You

Photo by Daria Obymaha on Sinking lips into your tiny round cheeks, I'm home. Holding your tiny head to my heart, caressing my chin to your downy baby 'chicken fluff' we'll come to call it later, I'm home. Taking in your baby magic scent, I'm home. Pressing nose to nose, forehead to forehead, staring wide-eyed into each other's eyes, I'm home. Toting little bum and dangling legs around my middle, I'm home. Filled with purpose as you point where to go, what you see, I'm home. Your eyes, new windows to a world I thought I knew, I'm home. Holding you with fever, picking you up when you fall, I'm home. Navigating the years between, boxes of your firsts, every paint brush and pen stroke a miracle, I'm home. Saving pottery penguins, turtles, shiny red roses, a burrito with all the fixings immortalized in clay, I'm home. Kid sister fruit and craft stand on the corner, change clinking in coin purse, mag


Photo by Ben Herbert on I’m standing on a cliff overlooking the water’s edge. The sky is present, hanging there in its vastness, holding this moment with symphonic strains of gray and electric buzz. Watching, suspended, sensing. I see to both sides of me vast white cliffs carved out by relentless grasping of the ocean extending down the coastline. The earth where I am standing up above gives just the right yield and welcome, with its soft grass and dainty yellow flowers, falsely giving the impression of delicacy, when anyone can see that they are hardy to withstand the harshness of forces here. There is an undeniable tightness of gravity here, pinning me down, tugging at me, slowing down my step. I feel as if this force could just sweep me away with the littlest of a flick, like an ant off the table. It screams danger while it beckons. My life had been recently taking on new grander design dimensions when this place and I met. Dating a new man, after being a singl

Partaking of the Fruit

Photo by Anya Vasilieva on What I most struggle with in creative writing is that there are some ideas that just feel like they belong in the ether, in the natural born clouds. They aren’t meant to be pinned down, and every time I try to pin them down into a practical form on a page, I wound them a little bit, and must throw them back up into the ether for repair, to restore their more nebulous characteristics. This content isn’t supposed to have legs and weight, and to make noise when it walks, or to have such things as a name and defining characteristics. Rather, just whiffs of possibility that hint at an undercurrent of parallel worlds so vast and amazing as to put any Tolkien or Rowling to shame. Its just supposed to hang there, ripe for plucking, but the plucker beware. The fruit bruises easily. And yet, there are those books that seem to pin down something that doesn’t maim the central cast of characters, and in fact broadens the material into something that change