Every time I write a blog, I come up against fear that rises up from the deep. How will it be construed, what I've said? Will I be perceived as weak, perseverating on the same subjects over and over again? Can I trust the written word to make its true meaning clear? I mean, haven't you seen your words turned against you, when a benign email you've sent, comes across otherwise?
Am I just unable to surmount the obstacles, and come here to do a little dance around them, and in public, no less? Often I suppress that fear deep down to heed a voice telling me to do it anyway, but I am not spared from the sick feeling it gives me to step out of my comfort zone.
But my plight remains the same as it is always been--even if it is still uncomfortable at times. I want to be more of who I really am, so you will be more of who you really are, and so that together we will know more than just each other's stats. We will pierce through that bubble that keeps us separate, and we will find ourselves together, experiencing a life that feels real and meaningful to us, together. Where we are long past living life using escapes to avoid interaction, where we are curious about the essence of experiencing life together: how we fit together in this world, or how we are not fitting together, and the subsequent feeling of dis-ease at that.
I seem to have been born with this intention to connect, and as soon as I woke up to the possibility of it, I've been moving in that direction--probably driving a much straighter course than I realize, because there is a part of me that is unwavering in its commitment. There is also a part of me that is running like hell in the other direction, wanting to escape feeling too much, pain and vulnerability.
But I am not doing any of this alone.
There is a circle of women, (sorry guys, not many of you that I know--looking forward to inviting you out on the journey too:)) each of whom have varying degrees of contact with one another, but with whom I have become very close. I have heard their stories. I have followed their journeys closely, alongside my own. Some for a handful of years, others for only a few months.
Today I make deep bows to each of them, as loyal and loving friends, but mostly as women who are living life by powerfully facing what is coming up for them, and bravely opening to be instructed and opened by experience.
I have expressed to each of them how powerful they appear to me, how with their deep and abiding courage, they help me to hold the space for myself to live a very different way--how their bravery keeps me from retreating into my fear--how their bravery and pursuit of clarity and truth reflects my own, and keeps the process alive and feeling real--keeps me moving steadfastly into the new, and out of the old ways, where I often succumbed to fear and criticism.
I write about this, because I feel so deeply grateful for these strong women.
I deeply honor them in all of their unique ways, on journeys that are so specifically tailored to them. I love how they are committed to being themselves, wholly, and to living their lives by getting to know their hearts, without compromise, without trying to be something they are not. I love how rich the twists and turns are in their journeys, and how in the end, I see how they are each following guidance specific to them. It has helped me to let go and just watch their journeys unfold, without trying to steer. They have helped me to see that we are always in the perfect place for us in each moment, to heal our hearts, not just cover the wounds, and to connect with something deeper.
I know unconditional love and respect because of these women. I am able to visualize a new world, new relationships, largely because of the rich experience that they have given me. They have shown up when it has been difficult--when our egos have been raging. They have shown up when they'd have rather stayed home in their messes. They have chosen to be all heart and to commit to a more feminine way of letting things unfold, even when the world would have deemed them silly. I have seen them hurt, and releasing their hurt, when the world would have justified them resting in hatred and anger.
They have dared to be Selfish and put themselves first--leaving a legacy of peace and fulfillment for our children that will change the face of this earth, I am certain.
They have stood by me and seen the bigger picture, as I have tempered my own experience. They have seen higher meaning for experiences in my life--when the world might have judged my actions as wrong and selfish. They have held the space for my release, while showing deep compassion for my story.
They keep me strong. They honor the heart of me. They give me the strength to show up here on this blog, and sound out my own clarion call, even if it feels weak at times. They have supported my creative beginnings, and let some die peacefully, without blame. They have showed up to listen, to validate my words, and my heart, no matter what.
In other words, I am not doing this alone.
I realize more and more, as I let the love in, that I am increasingly loved and supported. I just have to look around and remember.
To these lovely woman, I am beautiful enough, my spirit is shiny and vibrant, and each decision that I make, is one to be celebrated like no other, just because it came from me.
We are creating a sparkling atmosphere together. We hold this space, whether we are together or not.
And what I want to say today, is that the more we create this way, the more lovely travelers join us--and there is so much room for countless more. I guess it is like the internet, the space here is just infinite.
I also want to say that the beloved has arrived in my life through these wonderful women. And I can't believe it.
Last thing--I want those of you who have no inkling of what I am talking about, you, that have never had relationships that sustain in this way, to know something. Until I was 30, I had never had any friendships that resembled these. Rather I often played the victim role. Where were those who could be a friend, like I dreamed of being a friend? I realize now that my victim-hood was in the way, and usually, so was the victim-hood of the one across from me.
It was extremely hard for me to show up with people, being so sensitive to energies and strong personalities, and to stick with the disparate moments. I actually have my ex-husband to thank, for forcing me to be more extroverted, as he was very social. He helped me to keep showing up even when I felt sick about it. One day the fear was so much less, when I realized the world didn't revolve around me and that others were often feeling the same raging fear, masking it with alcohol or big resumes.
But, there is something about divine timing, that when we are ready the perfect people show up to realize our heart's desires. For me it was these women, and friends from the past, who have allowed our relationship to change and grow into something different.
But, what opened up everything in these relationships, was learning to tell the truth, to relate on a level where there was no longer any pretending, or being sure about the world. And like an onion, and sometimes still like an onion, we are getting deeper into who we are. Sometimes the skins come back on, as it gets too vulnerable, but mostly, we are learning to trust deeply that we are truly loved. This helps us to love naturally.
We are no longer just filling up space in each others life, as components of the least discomfort. We are actually providing comfort.