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Finding the Heart of the Matter

                                                  Photo by Lyn

It is early morning. I am enjoying the cool crisp air and the quiet just before my daughters get up. I've been getting up early these days, and going to bed late too. There is a new fuel that appears to be running the engine much more efficiently, so less sleep has been okay. All I can think is that I have cleaned up a lot of the power leaks.

One of my biggest power leaks that I am in the process of repairing centers around my creating.

It is no secret that I've struggled with my mind towering over me when it comes to my creating, and often my mind has won. But I am finding pockets of light that begin to show the way.

A meeting with a sweet friend the other night, helped to show me just how far I have come, and how many forces have amassed already to help this integral part of my being to feel more flow.

I've realized that my struggle with creating comes when I try to sector it off into a suffocated little place, compartmentalize it far away from who I am.

The problems come when I hold my creating outside of myself, and find it irrelevant to the bigger picture, and to the parts of me that have begun to flow with more ease. I often can't see that I am holding it away, however, until I am open to healing the rift.

Another sweet friend I have is very proficient at writing and speaking about writing, and has helped to show me parts of myself more clearly. She can look deep into your process and find what ails you. She can help you understand where you are blocking yourself, and expose it for the fraudulent mind-troll it is. She would make a wonderful writing coach, and when she speaks in this way, I find myself in awe. I also find myself a little at a loss, wondering how I couldn't have seen it, wondering how I've still hidden much from myself to be discovered. 

But maybe these hidden parts of us are there, just for that reason, to enlist the aid of others, to force us to face a certain truth, that we can die alone, or we can flourish by connecting with the heart of others. (Maybe this is when listening and letting another person in feels natural, when it is part of completing a puzzle of universal proportions).

Maybe we aren't supposed to find it all on our own. Maybe that is the point, to let the parts of us needing healing hurt us until we are finally ready to surrender, to draw to ourselves that which our little minds would have never let in, for fear we might look silly or pathetic, in admitting our weakness.

I know that my biggest lesson has been that I can't do this on my own. I know that my walls have been a fortress around my heart, for fear of exposing my perceived inadequacies (even to myself).

Letting the walls come down has been the only way that any change has had staying power. It has led to some of my bravest moves, and shown me my greatest abilities. How completely baffling.

This same friend I speak of above sits in awe when I speak with deep passion and fervor about what feels second nature to me, about my journey of clearing away all that stands in the way of love being the only thing that is real, of dropping into a deep trust that living a life where everything else is let go, leaves love shining and bringing sweet surprises around every corner. The sweetness just bursts through as she begins to feel the warmth of a sunrise creeping up over the mountain through our exchange. It is for me and for her, either way. 

And more and more, our gifts feel like one, as if they are finding their place together, and working for the greatest healing.

I am learning that it is by being open to these collaborative processes that we not only share our greatest gifts and become clearer about what they are, but also, little by little, become freer to share all of ourselves, and feel all of ourselves received.

Perhaps we really aren't meant to do this on our own. Really. Amazing. Like every concept that began as an idea, this one just keeps deepening within me, becoming more of a force than a passing fancy.

And I cherish this open space that I have cultivated, where I can let the stories that would threaten me wind down to a silly whirl, and really listen and inhabit what is being given to me in each moment, and find myself changed.  I, in turn, can give in the most effortless of ways, sharing the heart of me, changing the heart of another.

Maybe this is simply what love is.

Maybe there are certain things that we need others to give us, not in a needy kind of way, but in a letting in love beyond measure kind of way.

Maybe this is why we seek relationships and why our relationships seek clarity and release.

I am convinced that deep underneath the surface a river flows, and is never, nor will ever be, hindered by obstacles in its path. Its power to move and shape the path ahead is omnipotent.

I am understanding more and more that what is going on above the surface, in the form of mental noise, clearing, and connection, matters very little at how it is played out, because that river deep within cannot be obstructed. It doesn't bow and bend to our little whims. It doesn't stall at our stories.

But up above, it is nice to feel as though the obstacles are being shifted around, and even in some cases, being removed, and to see how they have all been perfectly suited for my unique journey, as I continue to show up and let go of trying to control the process.

This past year has been very humbling for me--and yet I see how the darkness has helped to open my eyes, to see what beauty exists. My sight changes as I find out truly what really matters. My faith has been tested, but rightly so, as the conviction I am embodying is less and less vulnerable. As I learn that the heart of us is strong, the melody that each of us carry has the power to change the fabric of existence, and to unearth a sacred heart within us that would truly heal the deep chasm of separation that is played out over and over in our world.

I can find no path more worthy of following, than of seeing and being seen, loving and being loved, standing together strong and clear, holding one another in joy and release, as each new day dawns.

Something the friend told me the other night, helped to free up my writing a bit. She said that writing is not work, it is a meditation, quoting probably many others, but specifically, in this case, Amy Tan.

Today, I am feeling that it is much bigger than my writing. It is life that is the meditation, and perhaps this may be the most healing realization of all for me, to begin repairing the rift, I have the opportunity to make every moment sacred by integrating all of my experience, even my creating with words, as part of a bigger all-encompassing mediation, and let go of the habit of cordoning off parts of me into an untouchable place. 

Comments

  1. *ding, ding, ding...* (those are my truth bells ringing.=)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ahhh...deep breaths. Beautiful, Brooke. Such perfect words to read before I close this day (which is now tomorrow)...

    Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. "As I learn that the heart of us is strong, the melody that each of us carry has the power to change the fabric of existence, and to unearth a sacred heart within us that would truly heal the deep chasm of separation that is played out over and over in our world."

    Your melody is a beautiful, powerful one! Thank you for all you give.

    Sending love!

    ReplyDelete

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