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It isn't about the laundry

Photo by Lyn

Yesterday a respected enterprise cropping up on the web asked for people to join. It was so easy. Fill out the online form and send a letter with what you had to offer. I sat there in front of the computer, knowing that this particular creation was something that deeply resonated with me, and that this might be a chance to participate in more direct ways in helping people to become free, to become more of themselves, to open to love in deeper and more meaningful ways.

However, I couldn't bring myself to fill out the form. Sure, there was fear, but mostly there was an inability to honor what I have to give, or at the least to feel clear about what exactly that would be. The inability to step outside of my comfort zone, and give of myself in the most powerful of ways. To stand up and say, you know, I seem to be good at this. I believe in this. My heart sings with this stuff, and I'd like to take a stab at making a difference.

Through the night, I felt a sense of anguish, confusion and suffering. This continued into my dreams. They seemed to show me how I was limiting myself to jobs that existed, trapped in a glass house that wasn't even mine.

You mean, not pay off my student debt with work generated from my degree?

This morning I woke, with the beautiful sunshine, and felt a sense of dread. A lot of self-criticism seizing in upon me. I let it just rip itself through me, and tell me all the horrible things it wanted me to know, about how unqualified I was to be part of the human race.

Okay, I hear you. Okay. I get it. Okay, I am ashamed. Okay, I apologize for not being enough.

But my heart wasn't in the apology. I didn't really buy into what the voice was saying. It sounded just like all those old voices, that don't have so much power anymore.

This voice didn't send me back to bed--for long.

Today, I didn't need any cheerleader or feel good prose to return to center.

Today I was intent on just moving this energy through me to see what was on the other side--to open the door to my glass house, and step out of it. Today I was ready to feel the warmth of the sun on my skin.

And it was time to recognize that I have done some serious clearing in my life. I have done some serious listening and loving. I have come right up against some cosmic shit obscuring the very heart of who we really are, and I have not run from it.

Today I feel a proclamation living inside of me.

It says, I was right for laying it all down. It says, it was never about how well I could keep up with the laundry, or how lush my garden could be, so to speak.

It was never about mastering the externals so that I could get a big fat pat on the back.

It was always about becoming deeply acquainted and compassionate with a voice inside me that has wanted me to forever choose weakness, that has wanted me to hide my power from myself.

It was about learning to hear another voice within, that was loving and supportive, that has always been leading, and to let it become stronger, to let myself trust it more.

It was about going forth into the world where the deepest connections could be made, no matter if the laundry was overflowing.

It was about returning home to myself, and learning how to love myself, because there I would find the power to move.

There is a consensus among so many that I interact with in a real or virtual way, that the world is changing, that there is a global shift underway, and that it is happening in a very grass roots way, but on a large scale.

So many people are taking responsibility for their own happiness. So many are letting go of the idea that getting and attaining some external representation of wealth, power, or esteem, is where it is at, or that you must have the right credentials before you begin something that is important to you.

I recently saw an amazing documentary I Am, where it explained that the Native American Indians saw this mental construct of striving for bigger and better--of taking more than you need, as a mental illness.

And to think that so many of us, who have been desperately trying to find our voices in the name of love, to express our creativity in the name of healing and connection, have doubted our own sanity.

And we know the truth. Not long ago, we may have been locked up, or at the least kept on the fringes of society.

But the amazing thing, is that most of us are just normal people, with love in our hearts, with the idea that we can make a better world. And we are not intent on escaping our own reality, chemically induced, or other.

We are living in the ordinary world, doing ordinary things. And we are acting on our dreams of a better world by sharing of ourselves, by telling it like it is, and by asking big questions-- not expecting answers, but certainly not being satisfied with unfeeling answers.

It is like we are all developing some serious bullshit detectors, and because we are not getting the answers that mean anything to us, we are taking life and living into our own hands, and building a new world that begins with cultivating a new mental construct that supports and nurtures.

The questions are ever changing, as we clear through emotional barriers, as we realize what was inherited, and what lives within us, fueled by us.

We are working with our own lives, removing blocks to loving ourselves and others around us, so that we can truly honor our creations and the creations of others.

And the truth is that most of us feel as though this movement is just happening to us. We don't have much of a choice in the matter. As if we were programmed for this awakening, as if becoming more of who we really are is just the next step, and sharing ourselves is the next--a natural consequence of knowing what our unique way is in the world.

So many beautiful people around me have found themselves powering down, unable to take the same meaningless steps, walk down the same well-worn paths.

I have found myself needing to find a new dance. From the outside it has had various consequences, but mostly I see how the jagged parts are helping to shake up and awaken experience in myself and others, so that it might be seen and lived more fully.

Yet, so many people are losing hope, as they say that they just don't have the energy to drive themselves anymore like they used to, but they don't quite know how to fit what they do know into the world. Yet, my sense is that they are welcoming this conflict within and cultivating further trust that it will all unfold in time.

So many of us are realizing that if we aren't feeling good now, that we won't feel good when we arrive at some nebulous destination in the future. And so we aren't okay with struggling to get somewhere, but know that the focus has to be to learn how to be here now.

I am learning and trusting that the one final step is being patient. It is brushing up next to opportunities like the one presented to me, and feeling into the parts that are ready, as well as the parts that are holding back. And feeling how something wants to be birthed from this place of hold back--maybe more clarity, more life experience, or something tangible that encompasses our work and passion.

One thing I am sure of, is that there is a minimum of grace that MUST be reached. Gentleness for self, and the extension of this same gentleness to others. Seems that the master plan is intent on this. Because what is wanting to be birthed is ready to be welcomed in a place of ease and love, nurtured and sustained by people who are ready to meet it with new vision and the ability to see it through, to embrace the possibility of it, without fighting about it.

I see how in order to find our voice, and to allow others to have a voice, we are being given challenges that question the very heart of who we are. Something wants us to be able to stop the fighting. And when you are ravished, and you can't fight the war, there is no choice but to surrender.

And all of this because we are being forced to find a clear, authentic voice that empowers, rather than acts out of fear, or as a band-aid to merely cover up the problem.

We are being asked to look disaster right in the face, and love, by holding hope in our hearts, by holding hands.

And because we've been demolished, have asked for help and let someone take our own hands and lift us up, we know what it is like to be lifted. We have no hesitation in helping others find the source of their own being. We've learned that this is all that matters.

I no longer see unity as a noble pursuit. I see it as a return to life. There are many of us unafraid of death. We've come too near it, and it just doesn't have the same impact. A lot of us have begged for it, have welcomed being taken by whatever harsh or dark forces may be lurking-- disaster, disease, deaths of hallowed structures, rather than living within the suffering externally or of our own minds.

It has brought healing and courage, to face this ultimate fear of the unknown. And death has not come out to be any more fearful than our fear of living in emptiness.

And in the end, we are more afraid of living in emptiness and fear, of never reaching our full potential to really connect and collaborate with one another, to build a different kind of world, for us to experience now, than we are of dying in our glass houses.

As I write this, there is an energy wafting around me, softening any need for anything to show up right this second that would look like oneness, any expectations of those around me to do anything a certain way. Something is at work to temper a drive within that pushes people out of the way, even in the pursuit of oneness. No, rather there is a natural powering down--a deep surrender--a holy quiet, that slowly begins to light a new kind of fire, that tells us that we are all the same. We are all the same melody, the same theme within a zillion variations.

And when this is felt, there is no need to push and shove, just to marvel.

It is hard for us to realize how important our own clearings are, especially when they feel dwarfed by dramatic examples of courageous heroes curing world hunger, digging wells in remote places, giving much needed medical attention around the globe.

Yet, how important are the heart-felt connections we have forged, and especially in the spaces between-- in those moments, when nothing is really happening--except maybe the laundry.

I am here to write for myself, that it is precisely in this in between space when nothing is happening, that it is important-- when I am more and more in a state of love, and being recalibrated to better deal with the voices of fear within, to not let them overtake me.

I am learning what it is to not war with myself. And how better to create a new world, when there is no war within? I find myself modeling this peace to a new generation, and they are responding more than they ever did to any of my well-thought out lectures on being kind-- certainly better than when I am yelling at them to be nice!

So, here is my own proclamation of my commitment to creating peace in the world, one thought at a time-- and to finding my place, right here, right now--to learning how to love and be loved, how to clear the obstacles in the way of sharing love freely. And fully realizing and honoring how important this journey is, no matter what it looks like.

Here is to learning how to make my garden grow, and to getting my laundry done with love, and the full force of an engaged heart.

This is what I long to practice.

This is what I long to adopt as a permanent posture, in whatever I do, no matter how heroic, no matter how mundane.

And really, I have no choice. I couldn't not live this way. Well, it wouldn't be living, at any rate.

And you know, I don't know if I will fill out that form or not, but I do know that, it was powerful first step in showing me that it is time to claim a part of myself that has much to give.

I believe it is time for all of us.

I'll never forget a precious little piano student of mine who expressed fear that she couldn't learn all I had to teach her in one lesson, fearful she would need more lessons to learn it all. She hadn't realized she would come weekly, and learn a little more each time.

Here is to realizing that this learning seasons within us, and will keep showing up to give us the next steps.

Here is to finding the beauty of learning to engage in our lives, not out of panic or fear, but through trust, love and authenticity.

Here is to finding a sense of clarity slowly developed, as we integrate all aspects of our experience, with who we were born to be.

Comments

  1. Oh, wow, Brooke...where to begin?

    First, I want to say I love this title--love it. You know how I am about titles--this is seriously a keeper.

    It so isn't about the damn laundry and it's a good thing its not because mine is strung all over the damn house...it seems to have taken on a life of its own. Seriously. I'm a little frightened.

    I would start quoting all that resonated strongly here but I'd be quoting the entire post, I think.

    This feels like a really important post to me--one that should be read by the masses.

    I seem to be having difficulty forming sentences in my very sleepy state right now...just know that I love this post, the way you string words together...you.

    And this photo...wow. Your mom has the touch--it's just gorgeous.

    Thank you for your powerful words.

    Loving you, my friend.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you for featuring this photo. Going through the process it took to get this shot has taught me a most valuable lesson...flowing in the precious moments between bliss and suffering is where the practice of oneness can be the constant.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you, as always, for courageous witness. For seeing where the edge is and going right up to it and telling us what you see beyond.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thanks for your sweet comment! You write so beautifully, and that picture is amazing!
    From Carys of La Ville Inconnue

    ReplyDelete

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