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The Vampire and The Saint

I Vampiri: Pietà Copyright Jasmine Becket-Griffith used with permission.

So, in theory, there comes a time, when you've scoured your life, your beliefs, every last thought--scrubbed away the dirt and grime, until everything sparkles.

So, why is it that all that glitters is not gold?

Because, in my experience--even after you've cleared through the externals like a pro, the truth is that something still remains--and because it isn't external, it's hard to even get at.

It isn't a root that you can just dig up because it keeps growing back, even when you've weed-whacked the hell out of it. It isn't something you can officially lose, like your religion, or that you can officially leave, like your lover or your spouse, or whatever fill-in-the-blank pain you've named.

It is there whether anything else is an external representation of it, or not.

I'm calling it my vampire.

Recently, I experienced a significant unraveling, because I literally could not pin heaviness on anyone or anything. As hard as I tried to find a scapegoat, my heart saw the truth, and there was only love--no one to blame. Shit.

I'll never forget when I was newly married, and I did the unconventional thing of leaving my husband for a year to study in France.

I remember being tucked away in a dorm room on the fifth floor of a concrete monstrosity, significantly alone, for perhaps the first time in my young life.

And I will never forget the shock as I realized that I had brought with me a familiar raw pain, that became inflamed now and then, leading to tears, sadness, disappointment, blinds shut air-tight, (gotta love the French for those), a mini retreat into total darkness--even a little learned helplessness thrown in for good measure. Only, in this foreign place, there was absolutely no one and no-thing around me responsible for the pain. WTF?

This was a revelation! You mean, I could travel across the globe, leave everyone behind, and still find my familiar suffering in moments?

There are a lot of moments in my life that have been pointing me to the truth, but this dawning might have been one of my most significant moments in my inching toward self-awareness. It was perhaps the first moment I began to open to the possibility of taking responsibility for my own emotional state, independent of others' behavior--to begin to let go of the idea that if only those around me would just behave as I like, treat me as I like, then I would be fine.

It just simply wasn't true. I had proof.

Now, I find myself, in many ways, in a very similar situation to that young student studying in France. Except, I haven't left home. It is just that my perception has changed so much, so that I love those around me. I am letting them off the hook, flexible, in awe, appreciative.

But the vampire remains.

This is the most interesting thing to me. It points to a deep pain, that is present even when the externals are not.

So, what have I gleaned from this?

That I cannot really get rid of this relationship--because it doesn't exist within any structure that can be toppled. I can't out run it, because it actually makes up, and makes up the perceiver's mind, creating a relationship scenario that can only be described as symbiotic. Of course, it prescribes the roles, along with the script.

Here's the story:

This vampire sucks from your life-essence, but only 'till the brink of death, and worse, it won't even turn you into itself.

And here is the symbiotic part. You rely on this relationship to prove to you that you are innocent, because you are determined to stay one step away from becoming the monster you think you are. You become the saint and the sacrifice as you accept the monster on your back, even helping him to thrive--the perfect martyr archetype. And yet this is all sort of wrapped up in an eternal form of self-torment and self-punishment that you believe you deserve anyway. So, you are grateful to the monster. You owe him. You can't kill him, even if just for that.

And this is replayed over and over. And even though the vampire and the saint both make up the perceiver's mind, seems they are fated to remain in an eternal embrace, never to find oneness. The law of duality insures this will not happen, ever.

Are you getting the perfect dysfunction of this relationship.

Only, you house it right within--you don't even have to have it outside of you, represented!

I recognized it as a sort of default setting in me that seeks Hell, and the only question I could ask myself, was why would I seek Hell? I absolutely could not understand why, until I realized what was at work here. It is the perfect prison.

You will never kill the vampire either, because you are afraid of the part of yourself that would kill anything, even something which is killing you.

Keep reading if you want to know how I got out from under this hell of a story.

I recently had a dream where a guy was going ballistic on a cruise ship, killing people, throwing them through the windows. He had to be stopped.

I took it upon myself to try and kill him. I tried to suffocate him. I was sure that if I didn't kill him, he'd kill all of us. Only he wouldn't die. He also shape-shifted into a female. Feeling a little more alarmed, I kept at killing him--with the noble mission to save us all. Someone had to do the dirty work for the greater good, right?

He/she became unconscious, and was clearly no longer a threat, but I was determined to not detect a pulse, which much to my dismay, kept flat-lining, and then coming back.

When I finally realized I couldn't kill him, I turned him over to a nurse standing by, telling her he needed to be shot up with something lethal, that he had to die, because he was dangerous.

I woke up very traumatized by the dream. I mean, the idea of killing someone, even if a killer, is something I would run from, fast.

The dream followed me like proof of my heinousness for a week or so, until the shock wore off, making room for something else to emerge. Symbolism. Yippee!

This man was my vampire. And no matter how hard I tried, I could not get him off my back. I could not kill him, because he would not die, and why? Because we existed together as the perceiver's mind. We kept each other alive. He and I were enmeshed in our function of perceiving reality.

The only thing I could do is lift up and out of yet, another gory story. Off the battlefield. The only thing I could do was turn him over to those better suited to help with the situation. To let go.

So, if the martyr in me and the vampire made up the perceiver's mind together, there was officially no way of seeing anything without a continual shift from dark to light and light to dark. Always, all ways. Expansion, exhaling to contraction, inhaling to expansion.

I don't know about you, but I've lost patience with allowing this monster to breathe, but as we know it cannot be killed.

So, it meant that I had to turn reality inside out, and see the benign nature of this relationship, only given power by my harrowing interpretation of being a victim of it.

So, how to do this?

All I could do was hold the fear and the dread of my dysfunctional relationship with my vampire in my consciousness, along with the fear and dread of having fear and dread, (led through this process in an intuitive meditation of release by the amazing Fiona Moore).

Of recognizing the futility of trying to run, just to alleviate an ancient guilt that wasn't really mine, but that clearly powered the whole operation.

I held them tight, feeling the full force and fury of this horror story--(no sexy Edward Cullen to soften the blow).

Let me tell you what happens when you take your fearful story, and your resistance to the fearful story, and hold them together tight, with focus, my friends--don't forget the focus--all the while, doing your best to let go of the reins...

The edges start to fray, and it just becomes, well, funny. Hilarious. So laughable, that you don't even know how you will stop the currents of joyful release escaping.

Now it sparkles. Now it is gold.

And then suddenly the story, and your fear of the story can't reach you. You've shifted into another reality. You find yourself just falling into a golden sunset. You find yourself feeling like a flame, alight and eternal. You find the heaviness broken apart and scattering on the waves of joy, you find yourself the source of the light and the light itself, and within it does not even exist the question of safety.

Just Is-ness, just being-ness. Just Love.

I don't know about you, but I'm about turning this book of madness, to the last page, to the part about the light-- to begin my story there. What would that look like?

At the least, hindsight promises many a good laugh.


  1. Brilliant, Brooke. I love the moment of finding your own horror story hilarious. Laughter when it finally breaks forth cannot be frightened, cannot be suppressed. It is golden. It is also contagious. Thank you for sharing yours!

  2. Top blog Brookster,

    We have an exercise in Clearmind called 'The Face Off' which involves setting up two chairs facing each other- one being the ego (vampire) chair and the other being the true self chair. What follows is a dialogue between the two voices, moving back and forth between the chairs giving full voice to each part. It's a really powerful exercise that helps affirm the authentic self as the one in charge. It's a shame I don't live just around the corner because I would gladly demonstrate this mindblowing process to you.

    Love Nige

  3. I've said this before, but it's very worth saying are brilliant, my friend. Your insight and ability to dig deep and come out lighter on the other side never ceases to amaze me.

    I love your bubbling up laughter, the lightness and BE-ing-ness that you have found. It is truly an honor to be a witness to such beauty and aliveness.

    Loving you, my friend.

  4. Keep laughing at that son-of-a bitch. I suspect that's the only way to supress his power. Having known you, well, for your mortal forever, may I suggest that your dream (how do you remember them with such vividness?)recalls your need to protect the rest of us against the fire breathing chimera. Your vampire. I wept at the insight of your self discovery. I love you, Brookster!
    Your Lachrymose Dad

  5. Brooke... I'm only this far...

    "This was a revelation! You mean, I could travel across the globe, leave everyone behind, and still find my familiar suffering in moments?"

    I had this experience! In Sydney... and two years ago in California.

    My life is CALLING me to FACE it and to WELCOME the messages. I am going to keep reading and then I'm going to go and embrace my LIFE. Thank you, thank you, thank you xxx


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