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Showing posts from March, 2011

Falling in Love--revisited

I found this buried in my blog archive from December of 2009. Almost two years ago. I needed to read it again tonight, because something inside me wants to hear this voice from within again. I gift it to anyone who might also need to remember...


Dear-one called Brooke,

I remember the first time you knew I loved you.

You were standing looking out to sea, on the never-ending shores of Normandy, with the Mont Saint Michel towering in the distance. You were twenty-one in your earth age. You were layered in clothes, the cold winter air stinging your cheeks. Your pant legs were too short. You wore crazy socks. Your long brown hair whipped around in the frigid wind, smacking you in the face, and frizzing out from the humidity.

You stood in awe of the landscape, of the edifice built to God on that tiny island, and the threat of a tide, with the awesome power to sweep you into its depths in a split second, when the ocean galloped at the speed of horses, trapping the tiny island until the water …

Raising My White Flag

Okay, so here I am, being spit out.

I think the hold of darkness lessened when I decided to match my fear with a little bravery, which was really just doing something I was a little less afraid of--airing my vulnerability here--knowing that I would be met with love.

Can you even call that bravery?

Who cares?

That's the exact kind of thinking that got me into this mess.

Maybe it was as simple as reaching out for help. No shame in that, is there?

I'm done doing this on my own. I've proven to myself time and time again, that I cannot take on my monsters without mighty companions by my side.

Healing separation does not come from remaining separate--but why do we so often choose to remain separate, until we can pretend better?

It isn't often that I reach out for help. I'm so busy holding up my faithful illusion that I have to stay strong in the march toward peace--lead the weary soldiers. I am not allowed to fall out of step. I am not allowed to fall behind.

Something clear…

Here I Go

Today I feel like curling up in a fetal position.

Today I wish that I had a harder shell to keep out the wars, the woes, and the witch hunts.

Today I wish that we were all brought up to question our thoughts, before we passed judgement, before we sent men and boys to destroy each other, before we gave people the finger.

Today I wish peace wasn't just a passing fancy.

Today I wish that I could feel into the fearlessness for just a little bit longer.

Today I find myself afraid of being afraid.

Today my world-view is fused with the vampire and the saint, and nothing is funny about it.

Well, just writing that felt kind of funny.

Yet, there is something about being in this vulnerable place, and getting up and walking through life anyway, right? I'll let you know.

Here I go.

The Vampire and The Saint

I Vampiri: Pietà Copyright Jasmine Becket-Griffith used with permission.

So, in theory, there comes a time, when you've scoured your life, your beliefs, every last thought--scrubbed away the dirt and grime, until everything sparkles.

So, why is it that all that glitters is not gold?

Because, in my experience--even after you've cleared through the externals like a pro, the truth is that something still remains--and because it isn't external, it's hard to even get at.

It isn't a root that you can just dig up because it keeps growing back, even when you've weed-whacked the hell out of it. It isn't something you can officially lose, like your religion, or that you can officially leave, like your lover or your spouse, or whatever fill-in-the-blank pain you've named.

It is there whether anything else is an external representation of it, or not.

I'm calling it my vampire.

Recently, I experienced a significant unraveling, because I literally could not pin heavine…

Finding My Inner Pooh Bear

I am learning that freedom from a feeling of separation is learning a new framework of no separation.

It takes time, because there is such a knee-jerk reaction to return to the old framework. It is deep and old, and snaps back like a fail-safe elastic. Out you run, stretching the bounds, as far and as fast as you can, making a run for the great-wide-open, until snap! You are back. It is no wonder that as a society we use drugs for a more permanent illusion that we've actually made headway.

The stubborn part of me is set on moving further into the stretch without the aid of chemically induced detachment.

I am learning that I have to continually lean into the new framework, because the more I adopt a new framework, the harder the old one tries to yank me back. But the farther I venture out, the worse it feels to snap back, and the more I surrender to learning something new.

I am learning ever so gently that a new framework involves not running from the wounds, but not judging them eithe…

I do not know

I share my experience here, because with every fabric of my being I wish to hold the space for hope to be real, and because it is so important to me to paint the entire picture. I do not find it helpful to hear only one side of the story.

So, here is another side of my story, or what happened next.

I just loved writing the last post. I was able to dig deep and reach a crucial pocket of experience within myself, and in the process find my own transcendent message that I have yet to absorb.

However, I also disturbed a slumbering monster.

So, after having the distinct feeling of flying, of having connected to something real and true in my experience through my writing, having been able to adequately enough, for myself anyway, transmute the pain through my own brand of poetry, I was surprised at an onset of the exact pain I'd described, that began to rip through me shortly after my offering here.

This onset was entirely without the balance tipping in favor of a God interpretation. It was j…

Doorway

I am stepping through a threshold-- just bits of me making their way into the light. I let it warm me in small doses. Seems all the hold back is me. But if you could see my journey through time lapse photography, you'd see I am making my way through. I let the light touch the less threatened parts of me first--like my limbs, that I can retract in an instant if it starts to burn.

So far the light is up to my right elbow and part of my left foot. My eyes are clenched tight, but there is the promise of warmth enough for all of me. My eyes may remain closed when I finally feel brave enough to put my face through, but for the moment it will be enough to see my eyelids lit up.

With the touch of warmth--there is no question at what is out there waiting for me to receive it.

Gently, I go.

Let me tell you what up to my elbow and part of one foot in the door has given me.

Another perspective, another angle with which to view my pain.

Since I could remember, I've looked for many ways to name …

Change of Heart

At the least, it feels so much better to choose love than fear, but it takes so much trust, because at first glance everyone and everything can be so scary.

A passage from A Course of Miracles (p. 411) helping me to focus bravely into loving beyond the appearance of things, and trusting a tenderness that knows that at the heart of it all is peace, a love that lights up the shadow:

Love's messengers are gently sent, and return with messages of love and gentleness. The messengers of fear are harshly ordered to seek out guilt, and cherish every scrap of evil and of sin that they can find, losing none of them on pain of death, and laying them respectfully before their lord and master.

Perception cannot obey two masters, each asking for messages of different things in different languages. What fear would feed upon, love overlooks. What fear demands, love cannot even see. The fierce attraction that guilt holds for fear is wholly absent from Love's gentle perception. What love would …

All my birthday gifts!

This is a picture of my best friend and me (right) our freshman year of college--appropriate to include here, since I have recently been returning to a dreamier part of myself, that was probably at its height during this era of my life, and because this post is decadent with an expression of this.

So, today is my birthday!

I am feeling the love. I am falling in love. That is my birthday wish for myself--to just continue this.

I am feeling deeply grateful for sweet people in my life!

This birthday feels different, like for the first time I am learning to welcome the time passing. I'm not evaluating all that I haven't achieved yet. I'm kind of happy where I am. I'm kind of experiencing moments when I am not missing anything--where I am dropping the confusion and indecision and fear, and seeing what is right there in front of me.

I'm kind of seeing what I've done! I am excited to see what I will do, because I know it will feel amazingly sweet and connected--even cleani…

Live the question, love the question

This quote has found its way deeply into my center and become a sacred, sacred release.

I think this writing just might say everything that I've ever hoped to or wanted to express. I may find myself meditating, on just this, for the rest of my days.

You are so young, so much before all beginning, and I would like to beg you, dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

Rainer Maria Rilke, letters to a young poet, letter #4