Today my mother and I found ourselves via phone, cycling through an intense conversation. We found ourselves expressing very real wishes for the other to extend a specific love our way. My mom wanted me to have more compassion and understanding for her right where she is in her life. I wanted my mother to have more compassion and understanding for me right where I am in my life.
We didn't get that it was this simple, that we were both asking for the same thing, however, until we jumped up and off the battlefield, and began to fly.
The extension of compassion and understanding we were wishing for from the other was entirely incompatible with one another. Isn't that funny, to understand what the other wants, but not be able to give it?!
We realized we couldn't give it, because one of us would have to compromise, and we both are understanding that we are here to learn not to sacrifice ourselves anymore, so that we have everything to give, so that we can finally access all of who we are. We both value what it is for our being to feel joyful, and to extend this into the world. So, the answer from both of us at the other's request was no!
What began to lift us up and out of battle, was being brutally honest, but courageous enough to stick with the conversation, and to open it up wide. It also helps that we are both desiring to see ourselves and others more clearly--that we aren't feeling so threatened about seeing ourselves as imperfect. We also aren't so afraid that we could destroy the other. We've built some trust that we aren't going to break the other if we say it how it is for us. We are allowing our interactions to help us to grow.
We are understanding that if we believe that we can hurt people by following our hearts, and telling the truth in the moment (with vulnerability, of course), we also believe that we can be hurt by others. We then believe in victimhood. We believe in stuckness. We lose our voice, and our ability to feel whole. We supress our joy. When we trust our voice and tell the truth, we see how life situations, no matter the hue, help us to become free, because we no longer cover the fear and lock it deep inside. We become thankful for the dark and the light, and for the feeling of opening it up, and being able to move again.
So, we both began to realize, (and become amazed), that we were both working from our own personal templates that dictate how people should love us and treat us, that dictate the ways in which this love should be extended to protect our template: that which we hold deeply as valuable, (at least for now). We realized that our template contains programming from the old and the new parts of our perception.
And this is precisely what got us off the battlefield and playfully spiraling in the air--the realization that we were both asking for the same thing, and the understanding that we are not able to give it or get it from the other. So we had no choice but to let go, and move on! And feel amazed at the clarity!
Up, up and away!
Then we began to talk about how interesting it is that we are exactly the same, even though what we are asking for is different.
We began to realize that we are both functioning from a template that feels passionately true and right to both of us, but that at the moment they are not compatible. In other words, I can't open her documents in my program, and she can't open up mine in hers.
So, without any common interface, it comes right to loving anyway, and letting go!
This release brings more trust, and much less fear for me of being with people, even if it feels hard.
I am beginning to understand that I don't need to have the solutions. I need only have the courage to show up and face my fears--and most of all to tell the truth, and let others tell theirs.
In fact I am starting to understand that there is no space where people can meet each other on the same wave, and find a complete meeting of the minds. Minds don't meet. Souls do.
And souls are playing a game. Souls begin to laugh when our minds figure out that the solution is that there is no solution. Souls find this hilarious, that all our intellectualizing and machination, is in the end, for nothing. That deep down we are all expressing the same essential wishes, no matter what form they take.
I love the root, because I see how all of my pain grows out of it, and just spending a moment there, I can find distance from it.
So, here is what was left when we realized our incompatibility.
Love. Commitment to moving forward. Trust. Strength. Resilience. Deeper acceptance of what is.
An understanding that the only way to travel is to be with what is.
There is also a profound realization that there are those souls in each moment that are better aligned to give us what we need, and it is okay if we can't yet be the ones to give it to each other. We can make space for those who can give, moving toward more ease and expansion, and still have room for our mother/daughter relationship. We can open up the form this takes, if necessary. There is the profound realization that being given what we need is important, and that we are deserving of being given to in the ways we are asking--we just have to let go of it being each other.
There is also the realization that we seriously raise the bar for the other, and help each other become clearer and clearer. We help each other to let go, giving each other zillions of opportunities. We uncover our abilities, gifts, and our equality by having the courage to take it deep. This is all part of the goodness, but it can be taxing.
All in balance.
However, off the battlefield, I see that we are truly flying together, and having a fantastic time at it-- especially since there is the distinct feeling we signed up to help each other squeeze light out of shit.
My mother is here to show me what template I work from, because this is what I attach to. This is what I try to protect, out of habit, out of deep rooted fears.
I am here to show my mother what template she works from, because this is what she attaches to. These attachments are what she tries to protect, out of habit, out of deep rooted fears.
It doesn't matter that they are different, because in the end they all merge into one. They feel the same to both of us, and it is only perception that gives any weight to either argument.
I honor my mother for her courage to be honest, to be in her power, to go up against my template. I honor myself for my courage to be honest, to be in my power, to go up against her template. I honor both of us for having the courage to see our own templates revealed. That can be scary.
Yet, when those templates clash, and hit hard together, they shatter like a darkened mirror, the fear subsides, to reveal such light as you could never imagine, such love as you could never imagine. And the way feels clearer, warts and all.
When I look around at all the people, it feels overwhelming to think that this process could work to bring clearer love for all of us, healing for our planet.
Then I remember that this is vision through my template.
Jumping up and out of any special coding, there is only love. There has only ever been love.
There is something about reading documents in this program. It is compatible with all. Love is infinite, compassionate, beautiful, and precious.