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Showing posts from February, 2011

Snow Day Goodness

It has been very rich to delve so deeply into my process and experience in the last couple of posts.But today, I am feeling the simplicity of the present moment, where all of it drops away, to reveal nothing but precious jewels scattered across the landscape. Right here, right now, where it is all happening. I wouldn't miss it. So thankful I'm not missing it. Each new moment, white as the beautiful snow, a welcome contrast to winter drizzle. No school day, cozy warmth, giggles, slowing down, German pancakes, hot cocoa, play. A place to focus in the jagged moments. As magical as my perception of it. As gentle. As tender and loving. Such goodness in this very breath. Sending love!





Learning How To Walk Part II

My Roots:
I can trace the roots of my perception of a very limited world right to my birth. Born two months premature, my twin brother and I made a precarious entry into the world. I was small, 3 pounds 13 ounces, but would survive. However, my twin brother was even smaller with undeveloped lungs. So, it seems that right out of the womb, I had a profound understanding of the fragility of life, at the least that life was precious, and potentially short.
The framework carried with me from as young as I can remember, and went something like this. Cleave to those you love, for they may be gone in an instant. There is no time to waste not loving. Now is the time to love.
I worried obsessively, about losing those I loved. I used to startle my parents when I'd go to a sleepover, or away with a friend for a few days, leaving long notes, (yes, even then I had a propensity for long:) that were alarming, as they read more as goodbye letters.
Just in case, was my motto.
My poor twin. How I worri…

Learning How To Walk Part I

Sign reads Jardin d'inspiration Renaissance

My last post was about my relationship with my mother, and how we were able to bring it to love, even when our requests of the other could not be met. And the beauty of the release and connection we found by moving up and out of our limiting construct that what we needed should be given by the other. How by letting go we found a love that defies the logic of the natural consequences of unyielding people. Of course, once we realized we were working from a template, any idea of compromising or not became irrelevant.

A sweet reader had a question about my meaning pertaining to the following:

When I look around at all the people, it feels overwhelming to think that this process [of letting go and becoming clear in relationships] could work to bring clearer love for all of us, and healing for our planet.

Then I remember that this is vision through my template. Jumping up and out of any special coding, there is only love. There has only ever been …

Getting to the Root

Today my mother and I found ourselves via phone, cycling through an intense conversation. We found ourselves expressing very real wishes for the other to extend a specific love our way. My mom wanted me to have more compassion and understanding for her right where she is in her life. I wanted my mother to have more compassion and understanding for me right where I am in my life.

We didn't get that it was this simple, that we were both asking for the same thing, however, until we jumped up and off the battlefield, and began to fly.

The extension of compassion and understanding we were wishing for from the other was entirely incompatible with one another. Isn't that funny, to understand what the other wants, but not be able to give it?!

We realized we couldn't give it, because one of us would have to compromise, and we both are understanding that we are here to learn not to sacrifice ourselves anymore, so that we have everything to give, so that we can finally access all of who…

Feeling into Joy

Two ways to perceive this picture of my baby girl!

I am choosing to see the sweetness and love more and more, not the mess.

My daughter and I were watching a home video of her when she was two. We were making a chocolate cake. We had all the ingredients in a bowl, and she was ready to dive in and stir the mix, to do the honors of breaking those big yellow yolks, to watch them disappear as if by magic, to watch the color of the mix darken into thick, rich chocolaty goodness. But, alas, I took control. I stirred first, telling her that it was a mommy job, that I didn't want her to get powder everywhere, but that I would let her stir when I was done. Ugh!!!!!

When I saw that video, I immediately grabbed my little one who is eight now. I am so sorry! I cried! that I didn't let you stir first! I am so sorry. I was so afraid of you making a mess. I am so sorry I took that experience away from you!

She just laughed. It's okay.

But it really wasn't. I felt the pain flooding throug…

Children Are the Future

My daughter and I standing near the Old North Bridge in Concord, Massachusetts, the place that would mark the beginning of the (not-so)Revolutionary War.

By the rude bridge that arched the flood,
Their flag to April's breeze unfurled,
Here once the embattled farmers stood
And fired the shot heard round the world.

--Ralph Waldo Emerson from Concord Hymn.

There I was almost seven years ago now, in one of my favorite places, Concord, MA, with my daughter wriggling out of my arms in this historic landmark that glorifies the story of war, perhaps more than it honors the men dead.

(BTW if you are ever in the area go and give yourself something special at the Louisa May Alcott museum, and at the least, visit Walden Pond nearby to see Thoreau's little cabin--and mmmm, just bask in the magic of all these thinkers turned loose in the woods!)

I didn't know it at the time, but my wiggly little daughter and I stood there as an answer to a call for peace heard around the world.

Yes, being this …

Love Song

Photo Credit J.Scott Bovitz

I am in love.

It is the weirdest thing! And there is no one to attribute this to. There is only me--no man of mystery has walked through my door--but I am in love, nonetheless!

So, it is possible to have the feeling, but not the guy. Wow.

Walking on the cold hard pavement, I feel soft and yielding to the hardness, warmed by it even.

The low dense cloud cover today feels as though it is merely holding me. No feelings of suffocation. No needing to run.

My lover, my life. It is that simple.

He sings to me on the radio. Today, it was Snow Patrol.Light up, light up, as if you have a choice, even if you cannot hear my voice, I'll be right beside you dear...have heart, my dear, we're bound to be afraid...

He speaks to me through magical creations of others, and they take on a depth that was beyond me before. They literally leave me standing in awe--serious awe.

He speaks to me through the expression of possibilities, endless, for my own creations, for my own experi…

Presence

One of my favorite photographs my mother, Lyn, took, besides her Wild Road image above:)

My visit with my mother--beautiful on so many levels!

So many rich gifts from our time together, varied across the spectrum.

We got to get used to each other in person, since our relationships happens mostly over the phone.

We got to see our fears activated, and work through them in our own way, loving ourselves, and the other a little more each time.

We got to explore our mother daughter relationship holographically through the layers of real- time mother/daughter relationships unfolding under the same roof.

We gained greater insight into mothering by reading the patterns and reflections of our actions.

We got to all be grounded by my tender man-of-the-house kitty. (If you saw how he lets my five-year-old handle him--he should be sainted).

I came away learning more deeply that there is this beautiful fine line to walk between helping and nurturing, and letting go and trusting that our children (or parent…

love vs. Love

Photo credit J. Scott Bovitz

I am still shedding the way of loving that hurts me, and others, bad.

love that is merely the appearance of Love, but no where near the same thing.

This love is wrought with panic. You are afraid of moments of conflict that make it look as though love is failing. You give love that isn't received. You are unreceptive to the love that is given you. Your perceptions act as a sieve. All the good falls out, and you can't help but focus on the bad.

Pervading beliefs and assumptions take over: They must not have the ability to love. I must not have the ability to love. Better not trust. They can't see what is right in front of them-- then, they never could. They are just like their father/mother. They are weak, passive, and will never make it in this life, or they are strong and overbearing and unable to give. If only they would listen.

You spend endless energy trying to do it 'right' but you can't. You go through phases of bliss and you prete…