Photo by Lyn
The thing is - when you don't care at all what people think, you lose your capacity for connection. When you care too much, you lose your willingness to be vulnerable. The only way I can walk that thin line is with my faith. --Brené Brown
When I began this blog, it was much easier to write my stories, because I was focused more on inward experiences, starring me and my thoughts, finding ways of working through my full-to-the-brim limiting beliefs.
Lately my experiences have been more interactive. This means there is a lot going on behind the scenes. Of course, I can't disclose a lot of the details, or even generalize it to generic life themes. It is difficult, then, to write between the lines.
So, what I can tell you, is that I have been challenged to the core of my being. I have been beaten down, told point blank that I am not worthy, not good enough, and not equal--to say the least. One anonymous reader, who might enjoy going elsewhere for a read, has asked me who do I think I am, God?
It must have been written in my DNA to seek out a sort of Pollyanna world in this lifetime--rainbows and fluffy bunnies, and the like...I've lived with the sincere belief that somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue. I've experienced magical moments.
I realized that I was part of the peace equation. I've genuinely tried to own my shit and then release it to better love and to bring an energy of peace to wherever I may be. But the reinforcements are huge, and the walls are high--sometimes the fortresses surrounding hearts are absolutely impenetrable.
So, I've fallen out of the tree--to my knees.
I don't write this for your pity, because the other part of it is that life is changing my inner-landscape, making me less willing to take the hurt in and carry it heavy within me. It is also making me less afraid to stand in the line of fire. Real Love rules, however it must.
I am learning that truly loving the self trumps staying in any kind of situation that kills your spirit, no matter what is preached.
So, in the place in me that used to act like a sponge trying to clean up the shit of the world, I am finding a tiny bit of space as I let go of needing to be the one to clean it up; a sweetness having room to emerge--but perhaps with my feet planted more firmly on the ground. My priorities are becoming clearer and simpler, the love I have to express feeling truer.
To some this is weakness, giving up the fight, or a fatal flaw in my spirituality, but it feels like a posture of openness, flavored with a little sadness at a gradual relinquishment of big ideas, hopes and dreams for a more loving world, (where hard structures come crashing down and brother embraces brother, end of story).
This is what I know to be the only saving grace: cherished souls around you who see you, and love you for who you are now, for the gifts you have to give now, for the heart that is given you now, who embrace your expression of it now.
The rest of the souls, well-meaners, or just plain mean, are to be taken in small doses.
It is more important to keep the spirit alive--to keep, as one friend put it, the 'ego annihilators' at bay most of the time.
What a hard lesson to learn.
So, for any of you asking why I don't just go away, or why I have to make it public, here is my answer. I write this because I know that most of you who read this care about what I have to say. I write this because I know that there are others who have no voice, and if only for that reason, I cannot waste mine.
I write this here because I need to express all of this in more than just casual conversation. I write this because it doesn't make me a dime.
Some people come alive when new technology is unleashed, I come alive when people share real and meaningful experiences, support one another through life's turns and events, find freedom where they thought it impossible, move through the world following an authentic voice which has nothing to do with status quo or image or conditioned ideas or tired social practices, and mostly, and more rarely, when there is movement from an impossible place in relating with another to a place of love and compassion from both sides.
I recognize that connection needs constant nurturing to keep the clutches of fear from arising and sabotaging the entire operation. I realize that it takes courage to keep showing up as yourself, especially when in tatters, but I hope that one day it will be second nature to our children to come as you are with the most literal of interpretations.