Skip to main content

Come As You Are


Photo by Lyn

The thing is - when you don't care at all what people think, you lose your capacity for connection. When you care too much, you lose your willingness to be vulnerable. The only way I can walk that thin line is with my faith. --Brené Brown

When I began this blog, it was much easier to write my stories, because I was focused more on inward experiences, starring me and my thoughts, finding ways of working through my full-to-the-brim limiting beliefs.

Lately my experiences have been more interactive. This means there is a lot going on behind the scenes. Of course, I can't disclose a lot of the details, or even generalize it to generic life themes. It is difficult, then, to write between the lines.

So, what I can tell you, is that I have been challenged to the core of my being. I have been beaten down, told point blank that I am not worthy, not good enough, and not equal--to say the least. One anonymous reader, who might enjoy going elsewhere for a read, has asked me who do I think I am, God?

It must have been written in my DNA to seek out a sort of Pollyanna world in this lifetime--rainbows and fluffy bunnies, and the like...I've lived with the sincere belief that somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue. I've experienced magical moments.

I realized that I was part of the peace equation. I've genuinely tried to own my shit and then release it to better love and to bring an energy of peace to wherever I may be. But the reinforcements are huge, and the walls are high--sometimes the fortresses surrounding hearts are absolutely impenetrable.

So, I've fallen out of the tree--to my knees.

I don't write this for your pity, because the other part of it is that life is changing my inner-landscape, making me less willing to take the hurt in and carry it heavy within me. It is also making me less afraid to stand in the line of fire. Real Love rules, however it must.

I am learning that truly loving the self trumps staying in any kind of situation that kills your spirit, no matter what is preached.

So, in the place in me that used to act like a sponge trying to clean up the shit of the world, I am finding a tiny bit of space as I let go of needing to be the one to clean it up; a sweetness having room to emerge--but perhaps with my feet planted more firmly on the ground. My priorities are becoming clearer and simpler, the love I have to express feeling truer.

To some this is weakness, giving up the fight, or a fatal flaw in my spirituality, but it feels like a posture of openness, flavored with a little sadness at a gradual relinquishment of big ideas, hopes and dreams for a more loving world, (where hard structures come crashing down and brother embraces brother, end of story).

This is what I know to be the only saving grace: cherished souls around you who see you, and love you for who you are now, for the gifts you have to give now, for the heart that is given you now, who embrace your expression of it now.

The rest of the souls, well-meaners, or just plain mean, are to be taken in small doses.

It is more important to keep the spirit alive--to keep, as one friend put it, the 'ego annihilators' at bay most of the time.

What a hard lesson to learn.

So, for any of you asking why I don't just go away, or why I have to make it public, here is my answer. I write this because I know that most of you who read this care about what I have to say. I write this because I know that there are others who have no voice, and if only for that reason, I cannot waste mine.

I write this here because I need to express all of this in more than just casual conversation. I write this because it doesn't make me a dime.

Some people come alive when new technology is unleashed, I come alive when people share real and meaningful experiences, support one another through life's turns and events, find freedom where they thought it impossible, move through the world following an authentic voice which has nothing to do with status quo or image or conditioned ideas or tired social practices, and mostly, and more rarely, when there is movement from an impossible place in relating with another to a place of love and compassion from both sides.

I recognize that connection needs constant nurturing to keep the clutches of fear from arising and sabotaging the entire operation. I realize that it takes courage to keep showing up as yourself, especially when in tatters, but I hope that one day it will be second nature to our children to come as you are with the most literal of interpretations.

Comments

  1. I love you, Brooke. Right now & always. Exactly as you are.

    ReplyDelete
  2. i wasn't going to post a comment because i feel like i have the writing skills of a 5 y/o when i read your blog and some others, but i decided to come as i am and say i'm still reading and loving all your posts. your writing is a gift and i thank you deeply for sharing.=)

    ReplyDelete
  3. As I am learning to just be who I am, to not only believe in the possibilities available, but to access them, and to take steps that formerly seemed like lost causes, there is a vulnerability and a fortitude coming forth, simultaneously. New ground feels unsteady, though, at first. Thank you for being brave and willing to share your journey. You are allowing affinities to blossom and souls to be encouraged, by showing up, writing, and giving us the give of authentic You. It is truly a beautiful gift!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oops! Those last two sentences were supposed to say, "You are allowing affinities to blossom and souls to be encouraged, by showing up, writing, and giving us the gift of authentic You. It is truly beautiful!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Dearest Brooke...

    Every comment from you (thank you SO MUCH for all the comments), every blog post, every moment your name comes up, a gift from heaven lands in my lap.

    "I come alive when people share real and meaningful experiences, support one another through life's turns and events, find freedom where they thought it impossible" I am TOTALLY in the same club as you! Let's make pin badges of our hearts and wear them on our sleeves alongside one another.

    Perhaps all the other stuff is an invitation for you to delve deeply into the core of your true being and discover that your spirit shines brightly, the child shines, and she has every right to exist and love and be herself.

    Watch this! Nige and I were in heartfelt hysterics over this precious one...

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IVwdBCb8S1I

    Love,
    Elloa xxx

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hiya girl ,

    I want to acknowledge your strength and courage to continue writing what is in your heart. You walk the road less travelled, and it's a beautiful road filled with lots of twists and turns. That is what makes your blog worth reading. I laugh and cry at your words. They inspire me; to be the next best version of myself. So, thank you Brooke for the joy that you bring to the world; thank you for this love.

    'You cannot be anywhere God did not put you, and God created you as part of Him. That is both where you are and what you are. It is completely unalterable. It is total inclusion.You cannot change it now or never. This is forever true.It is not a belief, but a Fact.' - ACIM

    Onward ...

    Love Nige

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

♥ Thank you for taking the time connect with me here. ♥

Popular posts from this blog

Mountain

Okay, I am just here writing, because I can't quite tell you how important it is that I have full permission to write, right here today, with this energy that I am holding. To stand strong in the truth of my being, that has felt quite weak and wavering in moments, and equally strong and clear in moments, as if these parts are truly at war with one another, and I am watching to see which one will win out, but the funny division between the two is merely this, the more I let the two up for air, wrestling and churning up and me trying to find which team is going to win, which one is going to end up on top, there is just simply me, sitting on the sidelines, and really tired of watching the back and the forth, and so, I just sit and put my hand in the sand I am sitting on the beach, and feel the texture of the sand, feel it running through my hand, and there is just this amazingness of this sand moving through my hand, and it feels timeless and I begin to see shapes and outlines in the…

RIP Poltergeist

After over ten years of an incredibly intense journey as a seeker, I find myself lying fallow. Taking a rest. When I first discovered this uncomfortable fact — threat to the hamster wheel that was my spiritual rat race, I surrendered for dead, but something wouldn’t let that fact sit as truth. I was lying fallow, but this implied that after a good rest, fruit could follow. This had nothing to do with death.

I am humbled at the courage it takes to write. For many years I kept a blog read by only a handful of very supportive people, and you’d think that after sharing writing for so long with perfect strangers, writing would have gotten easier. Actually, it got harder. In fact, at one point I was so paralyzed, I just stopped writing altogether. It was just too vulnerable. There was no trust there anymore, and I attributed any courage I had had to my youthful ignorance.

However, life continues, as it inevitably does, and there is still this pang to write, and it grows stronger and strong…

Big Red Bow & Boat

The next installment in a boat series, I guess. I just loved drawing this one. It just sort of appeared one day, and I loved the hues. Thanks Sharpie, for mixing up some alluring colors for me.

It didn't start out as night, but thanks to a sharpie mishap... but I am coming to ADORE those mishaps, because my favorite part of this little drawing is that it is night!

I also love drawing these women from behind with big bows. I love the mystery of whether the boat is coming in or going out. Perhaps it is all those Victoria Holt novels I read as a girl. Thanks mom!

It is fun to just enjoy looking at art I've created, not because they are good, but because they evoke something for me in my experience--something that just feels simply a little bit more alive--tiny sparks of wonder that make me feel curious about this human existence, and our desire to create--something wordless. Sometimes I think it is the closest way that I get to brush up to my personal experience as a human. Beca…