Photo credit: the awesome photography of J. Scott Bovitz
My life feels a little like a migraine at the moment. Everything feels a little strained and stretched out at the edges, no ease at making sense of it all. Everything a little out of order. A familiar place, that circles around every so often, without fail.
I see how my perception is creating this, because I have a list of running stories in my head, without much desire to question them. I find myself in judgement of myself and others, feeling foggy-headed as to how to proceed in the present moment in my pursuit of world peace, chasing concepts I thought I understood, but never quite catching up. Bad Brooke.
Clearly the mind has gained control. Such a fine line between allowing life to happen, and controlling your allowing-of-life to happen.
Sneaks up on you.
Time to unravel.
I remind myself that if I am chasing peace, that my ego-mind is in control, because only this part of me would believe that peace is something to chase after.
I am running away from peace when I begin to chase it, because peace stands still. Peace and clarity appear in that place of surrender, when the chase stops--becomes visible through the cracks, when everything slows down, when there is the humble realization that the mind has, yet again, achieved nothing by its frantic chase, no matter how noble an intention it seeks.
I criticize myself for getting caught up in the chase. And I recognize this criticism as yet another mind-game--part of its favorite device: self-sabotage.
Really it is as simple as just another paradox manifest in my experience: the fact that I've always had the big picture knowledge come easily, but that it has been coupled with my inability to consistently follow through. Hasn't this always been a source of criticism of me, inside and out?
F#$% this. I am taking it down.
Focus past the story that I must have super-human power to be aware in every single moment, that all peace is up to me--thus allowing me to see my immature and less-than-proud moments as part of the whole; as part of the zig-zag toward all-encompassing-peace. Take away the narcissistic tendencies of the mind that would label us all victims, martyrs, or saints, and let us rot in those identities.
I recognize this moment for what it is: just another opening phase--as in cracking open. It requires that I just focus through it to the outer realm of my understanding, to something greater, wherein peace resides. Ask myself if I am afraid of focusing on something greater, because the pull is so great toward love, that I fear it might uproot me? And that flying is scary?
Just like my experience with my migraine, as best I can, I must focus through the discomfort of the mind antics, suspending judgement of what anything means, so that the relief comes from detaching from the concept of pain, finding the stillness in the release.
When I find myself efforting, saying that I am tired of being the only one with the desire to create peace in this world, it is a huge sign that I cannot see what is right in front of me, and that I am judging experience within very narrow confines.
And the real question is do I want to let go of trodding self-destructively down my well-worn paths?
Yes, I want to let go, return to the center of my being, celebrate that I know where to return, how to put on the breaks and stop the insanity--and that I will keep on doing this over and over and over again, until the dark and the light are one.
I begin by celebrating that writing here often connects me back to this clearer place, how putting my process in written form helps me to release the grip of the mind.
Ultimately, I recognize expansion born out of the contrast of contraction.
Recognizing the dead-end thinking and letting it go,--getting to the place where nothing holds any meaning--surrendering a little bit more every time--resting in nothingness until you are ready to welcome new awareness, which creates new worlds, albeit, little by little.