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Photo by Toopie

Less and less I am able to focus on self-deprecating interpretations of my experience, almost as if something in me just won't allow it--not out of denial, but rather out of a desire to change my perception to a more gentle and loving one, toward others and myself. There is something in me that is understanding on deeper and deeper levels that perception is so very subjective, precisely because we can choose where to focus our attention in the duality of our minds, into lightness or into darkness--and that ultimately both are benign as our judgement drops away.

I see that the choosing happens on very subtle levels, however, which is why often we feel like we don't have a choice in our interpreting, because we don't until we get to the bottom of our beliefs; until we find ourselves opening from the depths of our being to new possibilities, until we begin to speak a new language, and live from new memory.

Every situation, depending on how you spin it, can be deemed a dream come true, or a nightmare--most often containing both. In fact, perhaps this is just a story I am trying on for size, but some of the most fantastic dreams seem to have a beastly counterpart.

So, with regard to my love story, I continue to move into a place of focusing on the Essence of what I experienced with this man, rather than the death of it. Because nothing ever played itself out, the Essence is all that I have, and the Essence is all that I have--in the most abundant way.

If anything, this experience showed me that I've shifted enough in my life to be open to the possibility of relating with another in ways that I'd never been able to conceive of before. It showed me that I am expanding enough, that my overarching beliefs that relationships are inherently difficult and unrewarding, are being dislodged, making room for new possibilities.

One night, shortly after the realization of love, and the subsequent separation that followed, I had a restless night of dreaming. It was all very abstract. This man and I were surrounded in a bluish light. I understood the light to be the Essence of our experience together, what had drawn us to the other. The message was to focus there, on what I'd discovered that I'd never experienced or thought possible, until these very different moments with him. I'd long given up on fairy tales, as you know, but this Essence moved me beyond my limited earthly conceptions of fairy tales--this was more of a remembering of home--like losing the homesickness for a little while.

The Essence of what I experienced spoke of infinite possibilities of lightness, laughter, connectedness, support, inspiration, creation, and the promise of expansion, coupled with a feeling of effortlessness and ease and well, simply, fun. I felt the best parts of me being brought to the surface. I felt desire to live fully. I felt slowed down to appreciate the beauty of experience. I felt free. Experience felt rich with so much to give and to receive. Experience felt dense, and outside of time, yet fitting into time. His words had a force of impact that grounded me, even if they questioned my lofty ideals. I felt acceptance from him and for him. I felt acceptance for myself, and for where I am. I felt less need to apologize or hide my shortcomings, or to focus on what his might be.

Of course, I realize that this is my unique interpretation of my experience, but it really doesn't matter if his experience was different, or even less than.

A feeling of coming home...

So, now I can focus on this Essence that I could have never conceived of before, a relating that is possible not just between two people, but between all of us; welcoming that all that was brought to my awareness had a healing quality to it, changing my perception in an instant of what is possible for our world, and what I could ask for in my individual experience of it.

Focusing on this Essence allows me to honor my experience, without becoming attached to it. I won't say that I didn't cycle through intense wanting things to be different, but when I was clear, I found that it was all a matter of riding with the different emotions, and focusing as much as I could on the beauty of having experienced something that changed me.

I know this much, that I could never settle for anything less. Much of my energy is gone now for any kind of relationship of this sort--as it did require a lot of energy of openness, which feels effortful at the moment. But at least I know of the possibilities of living a life within a natural intimacy with another that expands and opens you--and really just brings ease of movement as the energies are compatible and helpful, verses full of resistance. I've experienced this in many ways with sweet friendships.

I can focus on Essence, as long as my awareness allows, and not use up energy fighting aspects of relationships with others or with myself that just don't feel good, that keep me limited, that keep me trapped in escapism or addictive behaviors to survive them.

A friend of mine told me that after hearing the details of my experience, it had changed her idea of what she believes is possible in her relationships. It gave her a place to focus. She said that she can never settle for less, nor does she think she has to. This is a beautiful thing, that my story could change hers. She was able to see the treasured gift in my experience and help me to focus there too, without needing to insist on the fact that in the end, it was over before it ever really began.

That our stories of expansion could change each other...that we could hold the space of expansion for one another by choosing to focus on the beauty...oh the possibilities.


  1. Oh, the possibilities when your heart is open, as yours so fully is.

    "Every situation, depending on how you spin it, can be deemed a dream come true, or a nightmare--"

    This is something i've been thinking about a lot lately--how very true it is.

    Thank you for sharing beautiful you with us...

    The expanding just keeps expanding.

    With love.


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