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Showing posts from August, 2010


If you can, imagine that this post is punctuated with short films of what I am describing.

The first is a swimming pool full of blue jello. Imagine the jello having been disturbed so that it jiggles from one end of the pool to the other. As you watch it move, imagine becoming so sure that if you were to jump in the pool, you would encounter the spongy, rubbery texture of jello, and find the weight of yourself driving a you-shaped hole into the jello.

Can you picture it?

In the second film we pan across the sky, but not just any ordinary sky, this one is covered with cottage cheese. Cloud curds spread up over us, as if the Gods have had a massive food fight. Imagine you can dig a spoon right in and feel the texture of it between your teeth.

(Now, if you want to try a good ol' Mormon staple, you might decide to add the cottage cheese to the jello and bring it along to a pot luck, maybe throw in pineapple for good measure? Although, you'd be more likely to choose green jello).

This th…


A Course in Miracles says that there are only two responses in this world: love, or a plea for love.

How different it is to look at the world in this way, recognizing only two such responses. Such simplicity.

I see my daughter screaming at the top of her lungs, telling me how mean I am to not give her what she wants, how she hates me, how I am an idiot, and I look for the correct category in which to place it--love? No. A plea for love? Yes.

I feel myself softening to this little one, who truly believes that she should get what she wants, and how dare I take it away. (In this case, she wants to crash a community picnic at the park and eat their food--how do I explain to her that we just don't do that(yet)? Not really any good reason not to, just that we can't go up to perfect strangers and eat their food). She is exhausted and hungry, and no explanation helps her, rather makes her all the more upset, me as the target.

I feel a mix of frustration and anger at the intensity of her r…

Dueling with Duality

There just is no escaping the duality of our minds. We can't help but exist with two opposing forces built right in, one that sees beauty, light and hope, one that sees darkness, pain and destruction. It is all about where we choose to focus. I see that.

Sometimes it is hard to focus on the light. Sometimes the beauty fades, or more likely, becomes obscured. Sometimes we just don't have the resources to make the choice for light. Sometimes we must become intimately acquainted with, and allow the pain, before we can even begin to let the light in.

This was very apparent to me at the county fair. My kids were so excited about going. I was mostly excited about taking them. But I couldn't help feel a sense of imploding as I was forced to part with twenty after twenty-dollar bill, as I became ruled by stress, fearful of losing my kids in the crowd, as the day wore on and my feet began to hurt, as the frenetic energy and sheer force of noise left me full of holes, life-force weepi…

Thoughts at a Coffee Shop

I've been watching people today. I've looked up for long enough to really notice the people around me, their expressions telling me what their minds are up to. I've sensed an entire spectrum of their emotions from joy and amusement, to middle-of-the-road complacency, down to loneliness, depression and despair. I've noticed the quiet ones the most. I've noticed how they barely look up, barely look at those they don't know. And I can't miss the expression of the loud ones either, when they become quiet, after they've finished laughing and chatting amicably, after they've said their goodbyes to friends, and retreated back into their solitary world.

I've always thought the culture of coffee shops to be very symbolic of what is happening on the whole with regard to our connections with one another. All these people congregating over a black brew feels age-old, but what I mostly see these days are people bringing other people's words captured in pr…


Photo by Toopie

Less and less I am able to focus on self-deprecating interpretations of my experience, almost as if something in me just won't allow it--not out of denial, but rather out of a desire to change my perception to a more gentle and loving one, toward others and myself. There is something in me that is understanding on deeper and deeper levels that perception is so very subjective, precisely because we can choose where to focus our attention in the duality of our minds, into lightness or into darkness--and that ultimately both are benign as our judgement drops away.

I see that the choosing happens on very subtle levels, however, which is why often we feel like we don't have a choice in our interpreting, because we don't until we get to the bottom of our beliefs; until we find ourselves opening from the depths of our being to new possibilities, until we begin to speak a new language, and live from new memory.

Every situation, depending on how you spin it, can be dee…

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

Recently, I fell hard in love. I wasn't looking for it, so, when it came out of the blue, I was caught unprepared. I was surprised to find myself wide-open to it. However, as is often the case with many enduring love stories, this love was impossible, as this gentle man was completely and utterly unavailable.

It has been a couple months of ear-deafening silence, which amazingly, I have come to accept as the correct and natural order of things, even as my mind shifts between lighter and loving feelings of understanding, and darker, sadder feelings of betrayal--and then, of course, the shattering fear that what we 'had' was only in my head. Mostly, I hope he is happy and doing well.

However, what I have found is that whether or not this man exists with me in the flesh, somehow he's pushed his way in, and taken up, at least for the moment, permanent residence in my psyche. And this is where it gets interesting.

The other day I was writing a blog in my head, trying to surrend…

Down the Rabbit Hole

Warning: this post contains spoilers for the film Inception.

In the recently released blockbuster film Inception there is a deciding moment when a wife begs her husband to take a leap of faith to join her in jumping off the ledge of a building to their death. She is convinced that in dying together, they will end up in their alternate reality that they have built while being hooked up together into a common dream state. The wife has come to believe that the dream state they've experienced together is the actual reality to which they belong. Much to her husband's dismay, he is unable to stop her as she plummets to her death in her waking state, leaving behind not only him, but their two children.

Her 'play' with alternate realities has left her not knowing which end is up, and she has fallen victim to believing that her reality is not of her current waking state--a lot like the mass suicides we've all heard about where the note reads--don't worry about us, returni…