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Learning to Savor

Just getting back into the swing of things after arriving home a few days ago. It has taken me a lot longer to get unpacked and organized than it usually would, and it feels so good to be in a new place of allowing it to take its time--in fact, it can take all the time it needs--I'll be out playing and savoring, with a more joyful, more gentle version of me--heart wide-open, ready to give love, ready to receive love.

In the past, I would have been feeling the stress of the disarray of my house that looks like a bomb blew it up, feeling the anxiety of my kids making even more messes, (exponentially, of course), needing to tighten the reins on everyone to get life back to our usual rhythm, worried what someone might think if they saw my house this way. This time, however, things are so different! No more tunnel vision until the job is done. No more believing in a love that is based on appearing worthy by strained and conditioned standards dictated by an empire of emptiness and separation. No more valuing suffering.

I am valuing more being in the sweet flow of life, not letting myself be taken prisoner for long by my mind which would rob me of any joy, feeding me the lies that my life will begin again when the house is put away and clean--oh, and while you are at it, the garden weeded, the yard tended, the car spotless, the kids clean, lose ten pounds, a haircut, perhaps?--oh, and don't forget be a better mother--make it human being--more patient, loving, kind, and fun--perhaps, you know this list--the one that goes on and on AND ON! and never ever ends?

Thank you for the awareness of this thought pattern that holds only the distant promise of joy contingent on completion of a list that exists only to never end. A paradox. Thank you, thank you, that this pattern is seemingly breaking in my experience.

Some examples: this morning I planned to get groceries and clear the counters in my kitchen, so we could finally use it again, but after we dropped off my older daughter at her summer camp, my younger daughter and I found ourselves heading to Jamba for smoothies. The fruity goodness inspired the great outdoors in us, and I found myself unable to head to the grocery store. Instead, much to the delight of my youngest daughter, we headed to the park. We sat in the quiet coolness of the morning, warmed just enough by the sun, warming the rest of us with our snuggles. There would be time for the grocery store later.

So, after a good while of enjoying the ease of being with one another, and some much needed playtime, we did make it to the grocery store--and even that was fun! We did the grocery store differently too, picking out some exciting exotic fruits together (if you haven't tried it, you must find a cherimoyah--it tastes like divine custard!). Then we picked up big sis, ran through the sprinklers, and made homemade honey lemonade, all with my counters full of stuff to put away. And somehow by this afternoon it all got put away without me having to become angry and obsessive about it, unable to see, unable to experience joy until all the work was finished.

This is my new life--I can call bluff on the bullshit! I can live with my very own thoughts that support a feeling of well-being, my very own desires that emanate from a peaceful place within. I can experience my very own present moment, savoring it my very own way. And it feels so good. Everything is better! And what is so funny, is that I am more efficient. I am more organized. I am more patient. I am more fun!!--who knows, my children might even remember me as a mother who smiled from time to time!

I have so much more to give. I have so much more energy. I have so much more courage--like fifteen hour road trips by myself with my kids! I did it! We did it! What else will we do?! I can't wait to find out!

Yes, I can't do suffering anymore--too high a price. I laugh when I think about how many years I've spent running to catch up to the bus-o-perfection. I am so glad that I never caught up.

Now, I am home from vacation with my girls, and I can keep the spirit of our vacation alive. I can let the memories live within me for a little longer, rather than letting them be overrun with my obsessive ideas of needing to escape the chaos for life to begin again--only able to experience joy when life is organized for it. Bullshit!

It has taken me a long time to realize that chaos never ends. Once everything is put away, there is always something else that takes its place. So, it is now that I want to steal time, to enjoy this beautiful life, the moments when I can genuinely choose to slow down, to feel vibrantly alive, to love without limits, to live outside of cold and unnatural boundaries, to live my own life, with no bus to catch. I choose to plant my very own feet right where I am, in my very own way. I can't wait to see what takes root in this fertile ground.

Comments

  1. So glad that you are feeling so free, and happy!!!!!!!!

    I like the "bluff on Bullshit" idea!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh I hear you on the chaos! I am loving that you are choosing not to suffer any more. I will remember this the next time I am positively catastrophic about the mess in the house and completely missing the sweet life. I want the sweet life too.
    I'm sending you love Brooke!

    ReplyDelete
  3. What beautiful daughters. How lucky they are to have a mother who savors her time with them!

    ReplyDelete
  4. What beautiful daughters. How lucky they are to have a mother who savors her time with them!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I love this post. I'll be sending it on to a few friends that I know will appreciate it, as well. Thank you for writing it.
    I'm sure there's a good story behind those outfits.

    ReplyDelete

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