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Showing posts from May, 2010

When I don't run away...

Expansion Photo by Lynof Death Valley

When I don't run away from those moments when every part of me is reaching for something to ease the pain, when I can just be with the pain of the moment without needing something in my environment, my relationships, or inside myself to be different, something funny happens. When I stay with the rawness of the moment, eventually I am spit out the other side.

This is where the peace comes in, the breaking of an 'ancient neurotic pattern'--the need to find comfort outside of self.

Staying with the pain without reaching for solace has the impossible feeling like I have been given the task to single-handedly reverse the direction of a river thundering down a mountain canyon. It feels messy, unpredictable and scary. I find myself gasping for breath as the pain drags me with it, scraping me across jagged rocks, kicking and screaming all the way.

It is like I am frying all of my circuits, my insides are on fire, but I don't stop to put the fi…

Refuge Part 2

As I mentioned in my post Refuge, it has been important for me to quiet my space from the powerful media that dominates the airwaves force-feeding perceptions of myself and of the world, to return to a quieter part of myself. When I gave myself permission to tune out the externals, I was able to hear a voice within that was too quiet to have been heard before with all the noise. This voice had such a different resonance as it spoke of cultivating inner peace.

This doesn't mean that I am in denial about what is happening in this world or that I don't want it to change. I'm just getting to a place where I do not become paralyzed by what I can't control (which is everything), which puts me in a much better place to instigate change without being stuck drawing more battle lines.

In a quieter space, I have been fortunate to encounter writers that appeal to this deeper wish for peace, who give it a much needed place to rest and replenish, who respect my need to find my own ans…

Peace

Breathe PeacePainting by Julia

The other day I found myself very angry at my daughter.

Ironically, I had just exited an evening parenting class when my daughter and I began our row. It was about 8pm and she was exhausted, as was I. She and her sister were being babysat in a nearby room and were very ready for me to pick them up and for us to go home. My oldest was extra angry because I had stayed to talk to the teacher afterwards, and the few seconds it took became the straw that broke the camel's back.

As soon as we got in the car my daughter threatened me bodily harm as soon as we got home if I didn't get her there NOW!

All my good intentions and gentle compassion running through my veins, inspired by a very child-centered class curriculum disappeared in a red hot instant. My fanciful dreams of implementing all the friendly tips and advice from parents in the class went out the window. I could only see red.

How dare she talk to me that way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She reiterated her ang…

Surprises

Ahh, the element of surprise. We either love it or we hate it.

Surprises make up most of our experience, so much so, that they serve as the basis of what many would deem our significant human interactions. Whether the surprises are material in nature, or merely an aspect within our relating, they are important to us. We have many expectations as we cycle through moments of surprising and being surprised.

I've never much liked surprises. I've never much liked receiving or giving gifts, because there has always been so much stress and fear wrapped up in satisfying another, or being satisfied myself.

In the recent past this has greatly changed for me. Now, I love surprises! I think it is because I have found an entirely new kind of surprise!

The surprises that I have found are happening within a more meaningful dimension of existence. These kind of surprises serve to open my heart, to unearth secrets about myself and my perceptions of the world. They tell me about my fears and shadow…

Refuge

Photo by J.

For a while now I've been living sheltered from anything outside my own little bubble, which has consisted of motherhood, of my passion to live a heart-centered existence, of my desire to see truth in the moment, and to take responsibility for my perceptions; all so that I might contribute a vibration of peace and love to this world, and stop adding to the fear and anger.

I grew up with the idea that if you didn't know your current events, you were irresponsible and ignorant. I remember forcing myself to watch the news, thinking this was what being responsible looked like. I remember how horrible and separated I felt afterward. I remember how the images and the sensational reporting amplified that uneasy feeling I'd always had about actually living in a world with so many inconsistencies, so many dangers, so many injustices. I saw the adults around me stressed and upset as they became saturated and heavy with all the problems near and far. I remember feeling stre…