Wide Open Possibility Painting by Julia
My heart's desires: the deeper I probe, the more I realize how difficult it is to find out what they really are. I am looking for Truth. Anything less will not do. I do not take this process lightly, (although in the end the process is always very light). I want to really know my heart's desires. No more kidding myself. I want to know the essence of what experiences I came here to live. I am not interested in what I think I want, or what I think I should want. I am not interested in what others think I should want or what society deems as makes sense, is practical, or logical. Least of all, I am interested in looking for my heart's desires caught in the realm of my own limited perception of possibility.
What I've found thus far is that I can't rely on my thoughts to tell me the truth about anything, let alone about what I want. They are always lying to me. They are always telling me what they think I want to hear. Sometimes they lie out of fear, or spite. Sometimes they lie to protect me from doing something stupid.
Sometimes, I feel like they don't know me at all.
Mostly, my thoughts entice me to want things, and then fire back at me with warnings that I shouldn't expect too much, that most of what I want, I can't have, shouldn't have, or do not deserve.
This is when I leave the mind behind, leave it to do what it is really good at, like making sure my socks match, or that I don't miss a dentist appointment.
Then I drop into the heart space, using tried and true tools of getting to the heart of the matter--dropping into this place that somehow bridges everything; unraveling my thoughts with the simple process of questioning their validity, while taking stock of the sensations in the body, kicking into gear a little intuition, with a dash of meditation thrown in, for well, relaxation.
Little by little, I let every desire go. I whittle them away, just by asking the simple question of where it is the desire comes from. Usually the answer is that the desire comes from wanting to ease my fears: wanting security for my future, wanting to make something of myself, wanting to save the world, and bring it together in peace, or just plain wanting to control and to protect those I love from a dangerous world.
When I unravel where these desires come from, and find that their origin is a dark and broken place that recognizes no wholeness, that sees everything as damaged and vulnerable, that fears victim-hood, that has no faith nor recognizes any divine order, etc., some deeper wisdom is able to surface.
After enough meditating, and settling for no less than the Truth of my being, eventually these desires drop away. Yes, they often come back during dreaded moments of morning anxiety, and other plaguing times when shadow engulfs light. However, in these clear moments, these wants, masquerading as heart's desires, find no place to reside within a 'me' that is already complete.
So, without what I think are my heart's desires clouding it all up, in this clear space, I realize that I need nothing, that I am content with all that is.
This is when the magic begins--the walls fall down, the floor caves in, when I fall into wide-open space--wide-open possibility!
And when the dust settles I am holding a precious jewel in my hands. I become taken in by its color and shape, entranced by the play of light, captivated by the texture as I rub my fingers, reading the tiny facets, feeling the smoothness.
There is no more heart's desire. There is only experiencing. There is no mind, no shoulds, no practical, no logical, no need, no safety structures.
Suddenly, I am no more. Something takes over. Something light and laughing. Something that knows where to put my foot next, something that notices the rain plunking on the roof, that hears the music in that.
Something that knows me and my heart's desires much better than I do. Something that forgives me for not knowing. Something that watches with me, and waits for me to realize that we are one, and that we have never been apart.
I allow it to move me-- for longer this time.