Skip to main content

Heart's Desire

Wide Open Possibility Painting by Julia

My heart's desires: the deeper I probe, the more I realize how difficult it is to find out what they really are. I am looking for Truth. Anything less will not do. I do not take this process lightly, (although in the end the process is always very light). I want to really know my heart's desires. No more kidding myself. I want to know the essence of what experiences I came here to live. I am not interested in what I think I want, or what I think I should want. I am not interested in what others think I should want or what society deems as makes sense, is practical, or logical. Least of all, I am interested in looking for my heart's desires caught in the realm of my own limited perception of possibility.

What I've found thus far is that I can't rely on my thoughts to tell me the truth about anything, let alone about what I want. They are always lying to me. They are always telling me what they think I want to hear. Sometimes they lie out of fear, or spite. Sometimes they lie to protect me from doing something stupid.

Sometimes, I feel like they don't know me at all.

Mostly, my thoughts entice me to want things, and then fire back at me with warnings that I shouldn't expect too much, that most of what I want, I can't have, shouldn't have, or do not deserve.

This is when I leave the mind behind, leave it to do what it is really good at, like making sure my socks match, or that I don't miss a dentist appointment.

Then I drop into the heart space, using tried and true tools of getting to the heart of the matter--dropping into this place that somehow bridges everything; unraveling my thoughts with the simple process of questioning their validity, while taking stock of the sensations in the body, kicking into gear a little intuition, with a dash of meditation thrown in, for well, relaxation.

Little by little, I let every desire go. I whittle them away, just by asking the simple question of where it is the desire comes from. Usually the answer is that the desire comes from wanting to ease my fears: wanting security for my future, wanting to make something of myself, wanting to save the world, and bring it together in peace, or just plain wanting to control and to protect those I love from a dangerous world.

When I unravel where these desires come from, and find that their origin is a dark and broken place that recognizes no wholeness, that sees everything as damaged and vulnerable, that fears victim-hood, that has no faith nor recognizes any divine order, etc., some deeper wisdom is able to surface.

After enough meditating, and settling for no less than the Truth of my being, eventually these desires drop away. Yes, they often come back during dreaded moments of morning anxiety, and other plaguing times when shadow engulfs light. However, in these clear moments, these wants, masquerading as heart's desires, find no place to reside within a 'me' that is already complete.

So, without what I think are my heart's desires clouding it all up, in this clear space, I realize that I need nothing, that I am content with all that is.

This is when the magic begins--the walls fall down, the floor caves in, when I fall into wide-open space--wide-open possibility!

And when the dust settles I am holding a precious jewel in my hands. I become taken in by its color and shape, entranced by the play of light, captivated by the texture as I rub my fingers, reading the tiny facets, feeling the smoothness.

There is no more heart's desire. There is only experiencing. There is no mind, no shoulds, no practical, no logical, no need, no safety structures.

Suddenly, I am no more. Something takes over. Something light and laughing. Something that knows where to put my foot next, something that notices the rain plunking on the roof, that hears the music in that.

Something that knows me and my heart's desires much better than I do. Something that forgives me for not knowing. Something that watches with me, and waits for me to realize that we are one, and that we have never been apart.

I allow it to move me-- for longer this time.


  1. "Something takes over. Something light and laughing."

    You are a blessing, my friend--your words such a beautiful gift.

    Thank you for sharing you.


Post a Comment

♥ Thank you for taking the time connect with me here. ♥

Popular posts from this blog

RIP Poltergeist

After over ten years of an incredibly intense journey as a seeker, I find myself lying fallow. Taking a rest. When I first discovered this uncomfortable fact — threat to the hamster wheel that was my spiritual rat race, I surrendered for dead, but something wouldn’t let that fact sit as truth. I was lying fallow, but this implied that after a good rest, fruit could follow. This had nothing to do with death.

I am humbled at the courage it takes to write. For many years I kept a blog read by only a handful of very supportive people, and you’d think that after sharing writing for so long with perfect strangers, writing would have gotten easier. Actually, it got harder. In fact, at one point I was so paralyzed, I just stopped writing altogether. It was just too vulnerable. There was no trust there anymore, and I attributed any courage I had had to my youthful ignorance.

However, life continues, as it inevitably does, and there is still this pang to write, and it grows stronger and strong…


Another painting I loved making. I had so much fun just layering paint and swirling about.

Adventure has been a big part of my world as of late. In fact, writing this after a long day of skiiing. Where I used to shy away from leaving the house, I've been doing the opposite. Finally really getting to know my beautiful state and bask in its beauty-- hiking to the top of many peaks--sometimes limping the last stretches back to the car. Took my girls camping on the beach without a 'man'  and was so proud when I got the campfire started multiple times. The girls had their doubts I could do it. It was nice to prove them wrong! My most favorite was the day I drove 5 hours to the closest passport office on a wing and a prayer to get a same-day passport (wing and a prayer because they tell you you can drive all that way, but that there is no guarantee they can/will help you) so I could accept an invitation to see the woman's soccer world cup, and within a week was in Vancouver…

All for one and one for all...

“All for one and one for all.” 
― Alexandre DumasThe Three Musketeers
I thought I would bid farewell to these 29 days with me and my girls taking in the sunset atop one of my favorite views.

This was drawn at a time when our little threesome became my sense of home and identity, and having these little ones, now big, by my side has given my life meaning and purpose, and has changed me in every way that is good.

This is how I want to go out, in the end, like watching the sunset with my girls--feeling the warm glow casting itself around the valley, lighting up eyelashes and strands of angel hair, until the light recedes and is no more.

Thank you to those who joined me on this journey. The gifts have been all mine-- to share my creations and to be met with such tender love and kindness. I honor you all as fellow creators and humans on the journey. It is a joy to call you friends.

I can't wait to be on the receiving end of your creations, and to keep a life-long sharing of our hearts…