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Showing posts from April, 2010

Chosen One

Sometimes I don't know who I am anymore. Sometimes I find myself doing such bizarre things, that I am pretty sure that I've gone to sleep in one world and woken up in another. Like last week, I found myself in Hawaii with my ex-husband and our kids. Not getting back together, just finding a way to vacation with the little people we love most, able to be mature enough not to have it mean anything more than it did, no story, no strings, and no cares what stories other people could whip up. Then there was my dolphin summoning. It was supposed to appear right in the line of the sunset. I wanted to summon it, because I thought I could. I didn't think wouldn't it be nice if , I thought this is possible , and I believed it with every part of my being. I let go of it actually happening, however, not wanting to feel attached. In other words, I slept on it. The next day, my ex found me and told me that there was a whale and her baby taking a stroll across the waters. I ran out wi


I am in a composting phase. I am taking in a lot of life experience, doing my best to be very open to it, in whatever form it takes. I am taking stock of my beingness. I am watching the power of my emotions in the moment. I am watching my stories unravel and then tighten back up. I am slowing down. I am bringing it back to love, and asking for lots of help in this. I see much of what I would have once called progress, but now I'm not sure what to call it, as I am letting go of those ideas of moving towards some finer goal or outcome. Although it does feel like something is being fine-tuned, or a connection is being strengthened, I would call it more of a stable feeling of peace settling in, or perhaps just simply more awareness of self and my perceptions. I see how each of us are given what we need to open us and give us greater insight into ourselves and into others. When we begin to open and settle into this openness for longer periods of time, we begin to better gauge how open o


Photo Credit Cathrund The other day I was walking in our lush Oregon woods, that are just now getting some good doses of sunshine after a rainy winter. There are many trees covered with bright green moss this time of year, which makes them look otherworldly. As I looked at the trees bending this way and that, standing and falling, I felt sure they were doing yoga postures, focused and breathing into their many angles. I felt the trees holding the space for me and my own form, recognizing my desire to focus inward, to ride my breath, to move steadfast and unafraid like a peaceful warrior, rooted, with arms reaching wide and ready for anything. As I walked I remembered when I wouldn't have seen the forest this way. With deep humility I reflected back to those first subtle moments when something in me wanted to awaken; those first thoughts that wanted to find beauty in the juxtaposition of the seemingly powerful straight trees, beautiful and symmetrical with dense foliage, next to t

Heart's Desire

Wide Open Possibility Painting by Julia My heart's desires: the deeper I probe, the more I realize how difficult it is to find out what they really are. I am looking for Truth. Anything less will not do. I do not take this process lightly, (although in the end the process is always very light). I want to really know my heart's desires. No more kidding myself. I want to know the essence of what experiences I came here to live. I am not interested in what I think I want, or what I think I should want. I am not interested in what others think I should want or what society deems as makes sense, is practical, or logical. Least of all, I am interested in looking for my heart's desires caught in the realm of my own limited perception of possibility. What I've found thus far is that I can't rely on my thoughts to tell me the truth about anything, let alone about what I want. They are always lying to me. They are always telling me what they think I want to hear. Sometimes


Imagine a world that speaks only in music, having no other language but this. So much easier to live in the heart if you speak music: melodies, harmonies, and rhythms, that communicate the entire spectrum of human emotions, all evolving, current with the day, reflecting human progress, mirroring what is happening in the environment, recounting stories. Of course , without lyrics! Nothing that would try to nail down any experience into a mere set of words. Music would be spoken and received only within the heart center, and because we would not be able attach any finite meaning to the music, we would be free to be in the experience of listening, even while speaking. Without any lyrics the music could portray anything, and could be received by anyone. But because there would be no story attached to it, it would merely sweep over, flow in and out of experience, within the present moment, riding on a sea of open interpretation. Without the story, there would only be the experience of the s