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From Behind Closed Doors

Photo by J. Scott Bovitz

This blog is inspired by a dear anonymous reader's comment, which spurred me to write a little about why I decided to put my writings 'out there' in a blog form. (I love hearing from you and welcome any comments or questions that I might respond to in a blog).

About five years ago I found myself trudging through my life, having achieved most of the should's I'd set out to accomplish. I had a master's degree, a successful husband, two beautiful children, the beautiful big house I thought I would spend the rest of my days--(even imagining my daughters getting ready for proms in that house). If you haven't been reading my blog, I'll tell you that I am since divorced, in a much smaller (and easier to clean!) house, and until just recently, my master's degree was just a useless piece of paper in a frame, boxed up and out of sight.

As all mothers with young children, I was very wrapped up in the details of my life, trying to do it all perfectly, but mostly feeling that I couldn't keep up, that everything I was doing wasn't good enough. Mostly I chastised myself for complaining, when I had so much. However, everything felt so hard. I had to force myself to get up in the morning to struggle through the daily routines, obsessing on what one thing I could do to improve. I was afraid of everything--and with small kids, my mind was always heavy with the unanswered questions--was I a good enough mother? was I damaging my kids just by being me? Mostly I found myself drowning in guilt that I wasn't patient enough, energetic enough, loving enough, understanding enough, empathetic enough, aware enough. I felt like I was on a collision course with disaster at every moment. I vacillated between feeling suffocated and scared, with experiencing glimpses of the beauty in my life, and feeling saddened at not being able to see those moments with more clarity. The one thing I could see was how quickly my children were growing up. Would I miss all of it in this clouded and painful state? I had all kinds of thoughts, like was I depressed?--which just added to the guilt. How could I be depressed when I had so much?

I realize now that all of what I was feeling was simply a sign that I wasn't aligned with a larger part of myself, that I was largely ignoring everything that sparkled within me, and made life worth living. I've referred to it here much as the magic, but it is really more than that word conjures up. It is more like the life-force. It is what you experience as a feeling when you really love someone or something, only it can easily turn to severe pain when it is paired with feelings of lack, or neediness. Mostly the suffering comes from living a life that is functioning without the source of this vital energy flowing through. It is like living in a world where the sun never rises. You don't know you are missing it, but one day when the sun rises, you wonder how you could have ever lived without it.

I look back now, and I have so much compassion for that woman I was. I realize how simple my dreams were, just to be a good person, to love my children and give them the best lives possible, to make a beautiful home and family filled with love and beauty. I look at what a beautiful job I was doing, but how I couldn't see any of it, and how at some point, I just couldn't do any of it anymore. With so much fear about doing it right, I was paralyzed to actually do anything, second guessing every action.

But of course, there was that part of me that wouldn't give up, that thought if I just held the reins tighter, everything would work out in the end. Sound familiar? Ugh, I have seen so many beautiful souls in this same place, and my heart aches for them, but now I have such hope.

Things can and do change.

I know that I have been guided to meet the perfect people. I know that when I was ripe for it, the perfect books (one of my preferred methods of getting information--even over blogs:) would fall into my lap.

It was a beautiful moment in time when I met a woman who was very much a reflection of myself, except that she had this uncanny ability to tell the truth, to express her experience without holding back. I was opened by this. That was the beginning of it for me. After I began to tell others and myself more of the truth, instead of pretending that it was all unfolding perfectly, (when it felt more like it was squashing me) everything changed. I wasn't so afraid of the truth anymore. More and more, it just was, and it wasn't so personal--also, it was mostly not true.

The moment when I decided to blog, was a moment when I didn't feel so afraid anymore about what people would think of me. I wanted to tell the truth. I wanted to share my process, because I've begun to see our stories as all the same one, just with many beautiful and unique variations. And so, although there is a lot I leave off of this blog out of fear, and self-preservation, and mostly courtesy to others, it is more truth than I ever thought I would put in a public place! It has emboldened me to live from the heart. It has been my way of creating a brave new world.

It was a long WILD road:) up to this moment. It came after much work questioning my thoughts and my fears. It continues as I write this. Like peeling an onion, there are layers and layers until you get to the essence of yourself. These past years have felt like a lot of little steps forward and a lot of steps backward, but I am realizing that the times I felt like I was going backward, have been the times I was really moving forward, and the times I thought I was moving forward have been the times when I was becoming more attached and engulfed in the workings of the ego, only to have it unravel and look as though I was moving back again, when I was really becoming free!

I have been very humbled, and my heart has been very opened through every little experience through this, in every part of my life, from the mundane to the amazing.

There has always been a dream inside me to create a brave new world, and putting my writings on a blog was my way of perhaps being able to see something concrete form in this new world--something I could give in my current life situation. My intention was to begin to tell the truth and connect with others on a deeper level, to tell my stories so that others would feel like telling theirs, and we could all get out of this prison that tells us all how we should think and act, how we should relate to others, keeping us all with closets full of our pain and feelings of inadequacy and emptiness.

Sometimes I take the ease of this new world for granted, as I now know and interact with many whose voices are resounding with truth, who are brave and doing all they can to bring it back to love in this world. I know there are many who have not been touched by this kind of work, who live in darkness and suffering, who feel unloved, unworthy, afraid and disillusioned by their experience. I yearn to touch these souls, and bring them back, to show them the heaven that was always waiting for them--to show them how their creations are so important to our world--to show them the joy it brings to create in any form.

So, blogging was my beginning to bare my soul, knowing that in doing it, I was strengthening my very weak voice, and discovering the brave heart that we all have to make this world much more loving, much more connected, much more peaceful.

I know now that all anger is fear. I know that all fear is pain. I know that all pain can be released. I know all of us have a unique gift to give in this world. I know a purity that we can find by removing all the heavy layers weighing down our hearts. I know how we can see such beauty in all of us, no matter who we are or what we have done. I see how anything can be changed, how old rusty paradigms can be revamped and shined up for the greater good, when people are in tune with the softness of their hearts.

So, just a blog became a sacred part of a new me and a new world; a less afraid me learning to surrender, and bring it to the heart- to see with the heart. I know that the closer I get to this pureness, the more I will be there for my brother, to love him just has he is, without my fear in the way.

From behind closed doors, I emerge, opening to a love that is a FORCE, ready to see all of my life differently, ready to see all of us as doing the best we can--ready to SEE.

So, I journey on, and know that the best is yet to come--scratch that, the best is happening right NOW!


  1. I am so honored to be your friend, beautiful woman, beautiful writer. You continue to amaze me.

    It has been such a blessing to watch you unfold into the open, free, fun, wise, truth-telling person that has been there all along.

    I am so glad we are walking this wild road together--how much sweeter it is with you by my side.

    Can't wait to see what's next!

  2. Brooke, this is an amazing post. I can really realte to your post on so many levels. I too, thought I had the perfect life and that it would last just like that forever. Then my husband left me and my life was shattered. But now I see it was shattered in such a good way for all that has come out of it. I love how you say you have compassion for the woman you were and how you say you have been humbled and your heart is open. Thank you for opening your heart and sharing this.

  3. Ditto, dear Julia. With you, I know that what's to come will be that much richer!

    Dear Lori, Thanks for sharing your experience. Amazing how being shattered brings you back to yourself. I just read and loved your blog about your paintings and you getting caught in the rain! Isn't it funny how those moments mark a turning point?--when I see all the beauty you're creating...! Thanks for connecting!

  4. Brooke, I was absolutely enthralled by this your blog, today. You're a fine writer and an even finer person. You grace our community here and I feel honored to know you. Thanks so much!

  5. "And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Eliabeth Lesser

    Seeing you walk in full beautiful bloom...words cannot describe the joy I feel!

  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

  7. One of the most beautiful things is your hope for the possible pureness, dear Brooke.
    The interior pureness is challenging, but not impossible for the adults we have become.

  8. Hey, Brookster,
    My first comment! I have read each of your offerings with increasing pride. There is a power behind your writing, that is undeniable. Not just beautifully composed, your writings seem to cut to personal and cosmic truths that are, personal, and, to me extraordinary. I am sooo proud of you!


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