Skip to main content

Unraveling

Unraveling Boy II Illustration by Robert Carter


First of all just let me say, that with what the Haitians are going through, the complaints of my little life feel self-indulgent.

That is my unloving way to tell myself that my experience doesn't matter as much unless I am bleeding out. It keeps me suppressing what is coming up for me, so, just to make sure, I have absolutely nothing to give my fellow man.

So, when I write this morning that I am experiencing my own set of aftershocks, if it bothers you, you can stop reading now, or you can read ahead and see how I am picking up the pieces of my own personal earthquake--(yes, again), and you can open to the possibility that what is taking place right in the vicinity of our own minds, even if we don't see the blood and gore, even if the structures around us are still standing--all that madness we are forever cycling through and doping with our drug of choice, is no different in magnitude, even if unmeasurable on the Richter scale.

This morning I have been cycling through the madness, coming to terms with what is.

I have been struggling with much disappointment and disillusionment after a project I was working on got scrapped.

In retrospect it was clear that I got swept up in a current of grandiose dreams to share myself and my gifts, which turned to warring with with the ones I love, and created a colossal divide because I, nor, they could meet expectations.

So, this morning I truly ask myself with deep humility, understanding that I actually know NOTHING-- if I can ever be sure where one fairy tale begins and another one ends.

I recognize that I set up for myself another set of variables to find my own personal happily ever after, only to find in the end that, of course, it crumbled, as all things that we are attached to in this world eventually do.

I found myself this morning feeling all kinds of emotions, and trying to suppress them. I feel disappointment, and tell myself I shouldn't feel that way, because I want to feel unconditional acceptance for why certain decisions were made to end the project.

I feel anger at myself for not seeing how easily I fell into another trap in this world of wanting others to meet my expectations, of pushing others out of the way in the name of peace, of thinking that there is a higher ground, that faith and love could lead the way, when all along, it was just another way for me to be seen, with my lofty morals and my Utopian ideals. It was another way to separate.

I was never seen, and my ideals have crumbled, as they were meant to.

I see myself unraveling.

I see a pattern emerging.

I see so clearly that we draw into our experience what we need. I so get that the universe is showing me in very big ways where I need to see more clearly, where the fences are that keep me from experiencing and giving unconditional love. It isn't easy. It feels like being ravaged. It wounds and leaves scars. Words that have been communicated hurt.

The bottom line is none of us are ever above wanting happily ever after, and even when our heart is in the right place, we can do a lot of damage.

I am tired of war. I am tired of the casualties. I see that no matter what the agenda, the nature of this world is to war, even when it is masked by the noble intention to bring peace.

So, where do I go from here? I don't know. Maybe, 'I don't know' is the best place to start. As long as we are attached to the outcome of anything, we constrict the space around us to flow with what is. Eventually we start pushing and shoving to get to the head of the line.

I know that expansion begins with allowing myself to feel all of my experience, all of the heartache and then to take responsibility for my part in it, to see what it has to teach me.

I dreamed big. In the end I see how I showed myself what needed to be shown. I showed myself that I had a lot of courage to move anyway.

I honor the courage and the unique processes of all involved. I see that every dream can become a nightmare, but that it is in embracing the dream and the nightmare as a whole, where we find the expansion, to let go of judgements and find our hearts, in unobscured and clear space, to begin to cultivate a Love that we really cannot even fathom in this infancy of awareness.

I am not afraid to keep moving, however, because I know I am ready to really see with a clarity and depth that will bring us to oneness, even if it shrinks the best of us down to size. I honor the journey. I honor all of those who walk with me.

In the end I have learned that this project had nothing to do with the finished product, which is so funny, because that is how my journey began, with inspiring myself and others to create for the sake of heart, without focus on the end result. I see that this moment in time was about learning about the parameters I have set up for myself and for others that would keep love out.

In the end, as I look at my creation, never fully realized, now turned to rubble on the ground, I know that this is the time for rebuilding. It is about deepening connections, with my heart, and with Source. It is about moving forward to the next moment of growth, knowing that it will feel increasingly challenging as I deal with matters that aren't so easy for me to reconcile.

It is about picking up the pieces, knowing that no one is to blame, and recognizing that like all of us in this earthly existence, I have fallen victim to the most powerful wielder of destruction, my mind.

I sit here and wait for the spaciousness to return. I don't really know where to go from here, but just knowing there is no destination is a start.

So, I keep moving, anyway.

I honor us and all of you for wanting to create a better world, and I see how that is exactly what we are doing. We just don't understand how it is happening, because no matter how hard we try, we just can't see the big picture. I am thankful for what beauty I can see.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

RIP Poltergeist

After over ten years of an incredibly intense journey as a seeker, I find myself lying fallow. Taking a rest. When I first discovered this uncomfortable fact — threat to the hamster wheel that was my spiritual rat race, I surrendered for dead, but something wouldn’t let that fact sit as truth. I was lying fallow, but this implied that after a good rest, fruit could follow. This had nothing to do with death.

I am humbled at the courage it takes to write. For many years I kept a blog read by only a handful of very supportive people, and you’d think that after sharing writing for so long with perfect strangers, writing would have gotten easier. Actually, it got harder. In fact, at one point I was so paralyzed, I just stopped writing altogether. It was just too vulnerable. There was no trust there anymore, and I attributed any courage I had had to my youthful ignorance.

However, life continues, as it inevitably does, and there is still this pang to write, and it grows stronger and strong…

Pillow Talk

Today I felt the familiar pangs of conversing with my body, it forever unyielding to my demands that it shape itself pretty now. That it chase itself back to its few glory days.

I tell my body that I would be ready to appreciate those days of yore now that I know what I missed while vying for the shapes and sizes of the other women around me.

Over and over my mind and I have run this particular proclamation to my body.

Then, we are good on our road, until the mind closes in and starts to overtake my strides.

You'll never make it there, you are too far gone, it taunts. It is too late.It isn't possible for you.

Then, so predictable--it attacks the most vulnerable part of me. The part I hide, keep covered, feel sure is my perfect disgrace: my belly.

The scale tipped in favor of shame today. Shame that I'd let the house of my being become so run down. That I'd let myself use food to comfort me, pick me up, enhance experience-- and that in the process I'd packed on the ext…

Adventure

Another painting I loved making. I had so much fun just layering paint and swirling about.

Adventure has been a big part of my world as of late. In fact, writing this after a long day of skiiing. Where I used to shy away from leaving the house, I've been doing the opposite. Finally really getting to know my beautiful state and bask in its beauty-- hiking to the top of many peaks--sometimes limping the last stretches back to the car. Took my girls camping on the beach without a 'man'  and was so proud when I got the campfire started multiple times. The girls had their doubts I could do it. It was nice to prove them wrong! My most favorite was the day I drove 5 hours to the closest passport office on a wing and a prayer to get a same-day passport (wing and a prayer because they tell you you can drive all that way, but that there is no guarantee they can/will help you) so I could accept an invitation to see the woman's soccer world cup, and within a week was in Vancouver…