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Moving Any Way

Painting by Julia

Moving anway has been working very well, until today, when I found myself feeling a little aimless about where to move to, brought into this space by some very difficult moments with my kids.

I aimed at side-stepping my mind as best I could, by asking myself if I could just allow the feelings of being lost and afraid. Sometimes this is enough to shed the heavy chains of my mind. But today my heart still felt closed.

And so it happened that my mind came in from behind and temporarily shut me down, saying, I could not move anyway without my heart feeling open.

A familiar feeling of paralysis overtook me. How could I face the day when I couldn't stabilize myself into the present moment, and surrender to the gentle guidance of the heart?--another dirty trick of the mind, that I must find stability, that I must be lead somewhere.

So, I wandered aimless for a good few hours this morning, and now I have finally found the focus to sit down and fumble at the keyboard.

Move Any Way

As I write this, I feel my heart fluttering into a comfortably open position. I realize with quiet joy, that all morning I have been moving anyway, and side-stepping the mind, knowing deep-down that this too shall pass.

I may not have been able to feel the grounded presence, the unfathomable love, or the gentle current of power that comes from resting in my heart space; the wonderful sensations that little by little have become a clear physical indication that I'm connected to the deeper part of myself. However, I allowed myself to feel the constriction without letting it take me out and knock me over--(proof that the balance has shifted).

I realize that more and more often, I let my experience teach me by reserving rash judgement when I can, knowing that when I can't, it is only a moment of time until I will let my experience of being human become something working for me, rather than against me.

I move around my life in a circle like the moon moving through its phases. I pause more and more in the present moment, able to experience it more fully without the distraction of any judgement, whether it feels good or bad.

I realize that the the joy of being feels soft, and gentle. It glows and begets warmth and surety, and attaches to nothing. It is completely different than what I had previously associated with a good feeling. It doesn't have that manic quality that would have you attach to the fear of losing the good feeling, or the fear of not being able to recreate it. The joy of being doesn't live as an extreme opposite polarity to feeling bad. It doesn't create a firm sense of all or nothing, of separation, or of lacking control.

However, there is no ignoring that this quiet comes from allowing myself to feel all of the emotions that come through, especially the very intense emotions. It is counter intuitive, because it shows that stifling my feelings actually stokes the fire, rather than puts it out. The fire must burn.

The circle I walk becomes smaller. I can almost see across to the opposite side now, where I will be circling to shortly, the place where my heart might not feel accessible in the moment.
However, I am just as aware in the moment that I will be circling back to the freedom of my heart, as always, with wisdom gained, with my attachments to the outcome of things more clearly defined--in other words where I am not free and where I am attaching to feeling good, and resisting not feeling good.

And the surprise is how, little by little, I am lead toward the middle of the circle where I can watch myself walk around and around, cycling through the polarities; where the dark and the light weave patterns of meaning only the spaciousness of my heart can decipher.

From the middle of the circle, I naturally experience the ease and the struggle with less intensity. Everything is a little quieter. Here in the present moment, I feel what it is to gently shift into an observer role, while living the experience at the same time. It is an experience that begins to take on more and more meaning as I keep walking the path of heart.

It doesn't mean I don't feel the pain of tripping, or the ecstasy of being blissed out, but all of it is quieter, as if everything is being experienced more from a distance, and as a result balanced ever so subtly, so that attachments to good and bad naturally start to fall away, replaced with a knowing that there is no place to go, nothing I must do, except move through my existence any way.

In each of these moments, the experience deepens and becomes clearer. The voices of the mind and the heart become easier to distinguish.

The mind says, ahh, this feels good, I must be doing something right, or, ouch, this feels horrible, I must be doing something wrong!

The heart answers both kinds of thoughts with, are you sure?

The mind answers with an arrogant, of course!

The heart says, are you really sure about that?

And because the nature of the mind is to doubt, it turns on itself. And after long enough, it falls through itself into a quiet sleep, and has sweet dreams of looking out into the horizon in search of edges that it can never find.

And all the while I've been moving with soft, conscious, footsteps, any way.

Comments

  1. Love the painting Julia! So very beautiful...the colors,the feeling, makes me feel soooooo good.

    Love the description of "joy of being". I want to be right in that place and feel it gently washing over and through me. Ahh...

    Your beautiful expressive words will be a wonderful place to come back to, again and again when my mind wants to work especially hard, or is going for "overtime".

    Thank you from my heart to yours!

    ReplyDelete
  2. "or the gentle current of power that comes from resting in my heart space"

    "it is only a moment of time until I will let my experience of being human become something working for me, rather than against me."

    "I move around my life in a circle like the moon moving through its phases."

    "where the dark and the light weave patterns of meaning only the spaciousness of my heart can decipher."

    "It doesn't mean I don't feel the pain of tripping, or the ecstasy of being blissed out,"

    "And because the nature of the mind is to doubt, it turns on itself. And after long enough, it falls through itself into a quiet sleep, and has sweet dreams of looking out into the horizon in search of edges that it can never find."

    Oh, there are so many beautifully worded thoughts here...I have to stop copying them now before I have the entire post down.

    You have an incredible way with words, my friend. And such a wise and beautiful heart.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh, and I can appreciate that painting up there. :)

    Thank you for honoring my "work."

    ReplyDelete

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