Today I had yet another humbling experience.
I must be ready for them because I feel like the universe has been hurling them at me lately.
It's like I am tied in knots, and something is trying to untie them, but there is discomfort in the newness of being untied, because knots are my 'normal'.
It is as if I literally can't even understand what freedom is, even though all I have to do is just step outside of my open cage.
I keep bringing it back to love, but I realize that even this is a concept I am making a mess of.
I came across the most perfect passage in the ACIM that jolted me like a lightening bolt, showing me the truth of things: that I really do not yet have a basis for understanding anything.
"You do not understand it yet only because your whole communication is like a baby's. The sounds a baby makes and what he hears are highly unreliable, meaning different things to him at different times. Neither the sounds he hears nor sights he sees are stable yet...
Here is the first direct perception that you can make...that the something else you thought was you is an illusion. And truth came instantly, to show you where your Self must be."
Whoa! Truth did come to me instantly, and all my airtight stories were unraveled. I had no idea who I was, when just seconds before, I was so sure that I had it all figured out, even if something didn't feel quite right.
And I see that my understanding of the nature of reality is so new, and yet I keep trying to fit it into what I think I know about the world, only to see how it turns on me--how in the end it is exposed as a noble but futile effort to reconstruct a new vision of reality on the shabby ruins of an old one.
I am a little wobbly on my legs in this new world, but at the same time I see that I have started to walk--a milestone. I have a long way to go before I can speak it as my mother tongue.
I pray that I will not leave a wake of destruction too great as I move through this toddlerhood.
Something tells me that I need not walk it alone.
I feel strangely free knowing that I really don't know anything at all, not even now. All that is left is love, but with NO strings attached.