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Circling Back

Photo by Lyn

I begin this new year feeling softened, feeling wide open, feeling as if before I had only dipped but a toe into the warm pool of love and compassion, and now I am being given opportunities to feel immersed in it; to settle into it in which ever way I can, and to robe myself in its warmth and glow. I allow it to hold me there and let myself feel baptized by the sweet surrender, and the love that I know is everlasting and endlessly abundant. I feel the silkiness of it on my skin. I am cradled in an effervescence of light that doesn't burn. It buoys me up and speaks of a gentle truth, of trust and of loving anyway, any way--and it is now that I can relax into it, feel myself emerging from a cocoon, ready to fly.

I begin to really notice my surroundings, to see the beauty, to cherish the gifts, and to look out on the horizon and gently make my way towards it.

It is a place of release, the calm after the storm.

To think, it all began with the simplicity of just showing up in some of the unlikeliest places, getting out of my comfort zone, following my heart. And I see my heart was leading all the time.

My heart is full for a dear friend of mine, who has been such a significant part of my journey. Picture two lost souls coming together and finding their way in the dark.

Yesterday she and I had a pretty big fight. Fighting has been rare, but we've had a few doozies over the past four years. They never feel good. It always feels like the friendship is over, and that there is no way back.

Our first falling out was monumental, in front of a group of witnesses, who watched with wide eyes as our battle finally ended with me storming out of her house and into the night. We were left to wonder for weeks if we would ever talk to the other again. It was a very painful time, when we were clashing egos and wondering if it was even worth it to move forward.

But something wouldn't let us give up on the other. Part of us knew how valuable the other was, and that all of it meant something--even when we were wielding weapons of destruction at one another.

After exchanging a few emails which would best be characterized as self-preservation letters that hard lined our respective arguments, my friend stumbled upon this phrase which she sent me.

"Their discussion was blue
and stretched beyond recognition,
so they circled back, located the beginning,
and stopped right there."

Everything was dropped as these simple words brought us back to the heart. Suddenly, none of it mattered.

We both know that it was no coincidence that she came across those words, and that they had such healing power for our friendship, because we know that our Souls came together to shed this part of ourselves, and we've been doing it at light speed ever since.

So yesterday, when we were forced to weather the aftershocks of our overstretched interaction, driving away with a familiar feeling of devastation, confusion, and hurt, I wondered how I would get through the rest of the day, let alone the rest of my life. I wanted to retreat into a dark cave, and just give up on everyone and everything. But something wouldn't let me. Something told me to move anyway.

Move Anyway

This is my beautiful phrase for the new year. It means that I will bypass the resistance of my mind and ego--side-step it, and PARTICIPATE in what I know feels good, is good for me, what feeds me, and gets me out of my old patterns! No more retreating. No more waiting it out (or starting Monday). No more not showing up, because my day has been too trying, and I need some quiet. No, I've come to a place where the action is now. I've been shown too many times, that showing up is magical.

So, the instant that I walked into my house, maybe five minutes after leaving her, I picked up the phone and called her, and was very surprised that she answered the phone.

And somewhere in my heart I gave thanks, because I knew she knew what I knew. It wasn't THE END.

I told her through tears that we needed to work it out, because I couldn't wait and live through the pain. I couldn't shut myself down. We spent the next long while working through our differences. There were times I wanted to just hang up, but again, something just told me to stay with it. Something told me that it would be worth it.

And it was.

After about an hour and a half, we dropped into the heart, to a place of understanding and compassion. We both knew that it was time to move forward, to turn our gaze in the direction of our vision, not at each other.

It takes a lot of courage to work through the ego part of ourselves and drop into the heart. It feels scary and impossible, but I know it is my most important work, and the only thing that matters for all aspects of my life. When I finally take the leap, and am in the moment with the work, I know I am guided--even if it doesn't sound like what would be considered polite conversation. In fact, it sounds more like honoring our pain by expressing it, but also taking responsibility, and always it looks for another interpretation. It is flexible and ultimately, (when the fire dies down), loving.

It takes courage to tell the truth, but what beauty when what seems finite begins to shift and mold into something more gentle and loving.

It is no wonder we are so used to putting up such protective barriers in this world, whether it is being too nice, or too harsh.

It takes courage to interact beneath the surface, in a terrifying place of unknowns.
I honor my friend for telling the truth, and allowing me to tell mine. I honor my friend for having courage to sit in the fire with me for as long as it takes to see it lighting up the world.

I honor my own courage.

There was a time when I wouldn't have been honest at all about what I needed, or how I really felt with a friend. For the most part, I have always played it safe. I am learning how this act separates and imprisons, how this makes you a victim, because nobody has access to you to be there for you, and yet you think that they should be.

In the past my forte was to smooth things over before there was any fire, to avoid any rift, to absorb all of the pain to avoid conflict. I see that it is because I am finally speaking my truth that I am drawing in some strong women, who aren't afraid to speak and to feel. Of course, this can lead to conflict. However, I am also drawing in women who have the courage to unravel themselves to a place of heart, and our beauty is so splendid as we shine our light together on this world.

Here is to a world where we learn to override our mind which would tell us to give up, to find new friends, to attack, to blame, to HATE!

Here is to honoring the people in our lives, beginning with the simple wonder of why they are there in your experience.

I believe that my friend and I are perfect teachers/students for one another. We are perfectly suited to expand our energy and create universes, as well as bring our most painful issues to a head. As we become more in tune, we are finding that we cannot mask the least of anything, as we can read each other's energy too well. In this there is expansion, because we can no longer ignore parts of ourselves that want to be healed.

I feel thankful for her imprint on my life, and know that she is the wind beneath my wings, as I am the water that carries her.

May you finally see the person right in front of you as your biggest gift, no matter what the circumstances. May you see them as your treasure map, helping you to find the treasure of your Soul.

PS.

To those of you reading, wondering when enough is enough:

So many (including me) ask the very important question of how do I know when to stay or when to go in a relationship?

I am learning not to judge any relationship when there bumps in the road, to override that part of me that says this isn't working, but it doesn't mean I am tethered to any relationship, no matter what vows I've given, or promises made.

However, there is a big difference for me in how I determine if a relationship is worthy of the effort.

Here is the way I am learning to distinguish. A relationship in which I want to stay is one in which I feel seen, and one that helps me see myself in a loving way most of the time. I feel respected and heard. It may not be the case in the heat of battle, but that is unavoidable. However, there is some give and take. I'm not doing all the giving.

How do you know? You know. If you really don't, just ask. It will be shown to you. And if needed, the escape routes are there, even if sometimes we aren't ready to see them.

However, no action is needed. No need to flush everything down the toilet. It helps me to ask myself to find the part of me that wants to flush it. It is usually not my heart, but the part of me with a lot of demands--that likes a clean toilet:)

As I get closer to my heart, I see that I need do nothing except live my impeccable truth as best I can. As I let go of any idea of what life should look like, I see relationships beginning and ending of their own accord. People either shift in or out, and I see that it is where I need to be, and where they need to be. As I fight what is less, I find more compatible people shifting in that help build my energy, spur my creativity, and create a more loving me, and a more loving them. My already established relationships may become redefined, but always freer, more loving, and feeling more real.

Comments

  1. Thank you for getting this down in just the perfect words. For picking up the phone, for dropping to the heart, for finding compassion and courage. For loving me anyway.

    "I feel thankful for her imprint on my life, and know that she is the wind beneath my wings, as I am the water that carries her."

    This is so very beautiful.

    Loving you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. This world is certainly a better place because of two strong beautiful women...who walk authentically even when it is difficult.

    I bow to your courage and example.

    My soul feels the vibration of this new way of being.

    So very powerful!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Your P.S...a life perserver of sorts.

    Tears running down my cheeks, hearing the words to be seen and heard by my parter and my self. To feel like I matter and want to matter. To truly love myself, choises must be made, no more delaying. Yes, a gift was given to me today from your soulful words to my soul.

    Thank you

    ReplyDelete
  4. Sweet anonymous, and beautiful women, if you could only see how your words are a gift to my Soul. Much love to you.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Wow.

    Way to dig in, ladies :)

    Getting REAL. Being SEEN. Circling back to the beginning. Courage and understanding from the heart.

    Thank you, Brooke and Julia, for the window into your soulful relationship.

    ReplyDelete

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