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Showing posts from December, 2009


So, I survived Christmas Eve without my children. They were happy and safe with their father and our dear friends, having a magical evening. Didn't even miss me.

And me? I am still here! I made it through!

It took me a while to be able to really see again. It has been some time since I remember being that blinded by my own pain, and anger--seeing everything through a fiery red filter--perhaps since last Christmas?

So, Christmas brings up a lot in me. It always has.

My entire life, it was the one time my family came together, and I felt a sense of completion. I felt my fears assuaged. I felt my heart bubbling to the brim with magic and love. And what do you know, Christmas Eve was at the heart of it. Every story was put on hold as we sat around a fondue pot--so much magic in the air, Santa pulling off the impossible. There were no restrictions, no shoulds--except to make merry! Permission granted for ultimate JOY!

As a child, I savored this time, (especially when I realized it came …

A Pain That Could Change Me

The last shreds of the fairy tale open their eyes--dark remnants of existence that haunt a flat and barren landscape, since my awakening. I hear them moaning, and I sense them grim, floating about me, just above the surface. They gather round, look like fancy banshees. Their eyes dark black holes of wanting, they beg me to keep searching for it. I can feel their hunger. Their moans become screams.

Along comes a pain that could change me.

I allow it to linger, because I have no choice. It is too strong. I can't even find the boundaries of the story for this one.

Something takes hold of me. In my aloneness, I seem to access a collective vibration of pain polluting the air. I can't move around it. I am caught in the current, and all I can do is flow with it.

There are Christmas songs on the radio. They sound eery now, like they are melting, exposing the charade, all the pageantry for its emptiness--the harmonies too predictable, the dreams too unstable--the enchanting Christmas facad…

Free Fall

Message coming from the deep, tangled with words, not knowing what you mean, or in what context I should read you...

Always, you take me past any meaning--asking that I allow any explanation trying to emerge, to just drop away.

There is the promise of understanding, as I fall into you, into open space, into All of existence.

The feeling is a deepening, a calming, a zeroing in on a place to land, suspension into active silence.

Everything looks different here. One sky, and so many shades of blue. So many pictures in the clouds. I am held captive by the light.

All the whispers...I can't always make out what they are saying, but it doesn't matter, because the Essence is the same. The Essence is timeless. It carries me. It hoards nothing, not even answers.

You joyfully watch me pick my interpretations like summer wild flowers. You mourn with me as life fades from them, as they wither on my way home. You wait with me for morning light, when I awaken in the midst of deeper meaning.

You are…

Falling in Love


I remember the first time you knew I loved you.

You were standing looking out to sea, on the never ending shores of Normandy, with the Mont Saint-Michel towering in the distance. You were twenty-one in your earth age. You were layered in clothes, the cold winter air stinging your cheeks. Your pant legs were too short. You wore crazy socks. Your long brown hair whipped around in the frigid wind, smacking you in the face, and frizzing out from the humidity.

You stood in awe of the landscape, of the edifice built to God on that tiny island, and the threat of a tide, with the awesome power to sweep you into its depths in a split second, when the ocean galloped at the speed of horses, trapping the tiny island until the water retreated the next day.

It was how you looked out into the infinite. It was how you stood there steadfast, focused on the beauty--how you wouldn't let any of it pass you by. How you watched the setting sun reflect on the water, how you were quiet, feeling a…

Gingerbread Jam

This morning I was asked by my daughter's preschool teacher to make 15 giant gingerbread cookies for the kids to decorate next week.

I said no.

Some beautiful lady close by immediately volunteered to do it, and good for her, for feeling up to the challenge, and for stepping forth.

I know the truth. She was a gift.

However, now I am sitting here feeling what resembles guilt.

I'm sitting here wondering why the no was so automatic.

I knew instantly that making cookies that big would stress me out. I knew I'd never made gingerbread cookies before, and it would be experimental.

Images of making small sugar cookies with the girls flashed in my mind. Stressful. Not something I want to take on when I might be able to cook only two or three cookies on a pan at a time, and keep them unbroken as I handled them with care, which usually brings out the klutz in me.

I remember watching my mom bake a gingerbread house from scratch. My memory says it took all day. I remember pieces cracking when h…

So Glad I Missed the Bus!

Photo by Lyn

This past week I was working with my, well, I guess I would call her a guru, really, Fiona Moore, at her Sedona Method Releasing Class. This woman is full of gifts, but I think her most splendid one is how she reflects your own amazingness. You look at her, and you see yourself differently--her love is so pure, and she reflects your pure loving heart, without anything in the way.

The Sedona Method is one of her tools of choice, because of the simple ease and quick results of working with it. If you don't know what the method is, I highly recommend finding out. It is an amazing method that is very practical to work with and easy to implement.

I particularly like working with it in a group setting, because you see how you are no different from anyone else. Although our lives may look different on the outside, I have been amazed at how overall the running themes are all the same. The Sedona Method focuses on five wants that our human minds grip to, and that cause us sufferi…

Precious Gift

What has been foremost in my thoughts is the beauty of the fact that even when we don't feel at all connected to Source, when our inspiration isn't flowing, when our bodies are suffering, or when we just don't feel the measure of bliss we would like, if we just pay attention, we can see that it is our minds that have shifted out of the connection, but not the other way around. Source is always there, if only you are willing to see it. I am choosing to see it more often, in the moment when I would have ignored it to wallow in my suffering.

Monday afternoon I was having an energy crisis in my body. My kids were very demanding and fighting, and I just wanted peace and quiet. My kids were tired and thus, being very dramatic and tattling on each other constantly. Every time they complained, I could feel the energy in my body ripped out of me, slowly depleting to nothing--less than nothing. I tried to breathe through it, but by the end of the afternoon, I was extinguished--a path…