Skip to main content

Refuel Time!

As I make clear sweeps at the shit in my mind, magical moments begin to emerge in the freshness of space where beauty is uncovered. There are moments of bliss that must happen and that cannot be delayed, not even for a minute!

Yesterday my kids were home from school, and fighting, or on the verge of fighting most of the day. Fortunately, I was in a place of going with the flow more than usual. Kids fight, is what I told myself. Kids believe their thoughts, just like I do. Don't judge them harshly. All the negativity that they are expressing they genuinely feel, and, of course, it feels impossible for them to separate themselves from it--to snap out of it, so to speak. Just be with it.

All day I repeated this to myself, noting the feeling of contraction in my body, and the feeling of powerlessness I felt when my kids started to go at it, when they wailed, when they hit each other.

It is often the case, when I am in a good place, (especially when I am in a good place), that it feels like something or someone is trying to pop my little bubble, and bring me crashing down. However, I saw through this little antic of my own creation. Because, after all, it is only my own perception of things, and the part of my mind that paints me as a victim, that would dare try and convince me that anything had the power to bring me down.

By late afternoon, however, I could feel myself wearing thin. My connection to grace was deteriorating.

Lights, camera--I took action!

Herein unfolded the strangest and most exhilarating moments I have had in a long time--when I acted with such surety. It was about 4pm. I needed to refuel, and every part of my Soul was roaring with excitement for me to do it. Nothing was out. No guilt could keep me wallowing at home as a mommy, waiting until I hit rock bottom. There would be no waiting for the kids to be sleeping to refuel.

I had to have fun NOW! I had ants in my pants to refuel! No more band aids, like nibbling at chocolate to ease the pain, or taking a bath with the door locked, while my kids duked it out on their own. Nope, tonight I had to get out on the town. I was taking my little velour-jogging-suit-clad-self (my brother calls it my mafia outfit--yeah he's a nice guy:) out for a date.

I thought I would burst I felt so much love for myself and my life!

My friend had told me about the Michael Jackson This Is It movie, and that it was all about his process as an artist, and his genius. That was all she had to say! I knew I would see it.

So, at the time when I was feeling myself wearing thin, there was no question. This movie would not be a renter. I would leave now and refuel myself with a master of creation, a man standing in his own shoes, even if eccentric and misunderstood; a man who loved the world because he was overcome by its beauty; a man as a perfect symbol of one not fitting in, often judged very harshly. And yet, his vision was to create beauty and touch the world with it, to bring it to oneness. So, he lived in a gilded cage, but what he did within its walls!

I checked the movie times. One had started ten minutes ago. Could I make it? Would you believe that when I called the babysitter, who lives behind me, and asked if she could come over right then, she said, YES! Even at that I was 20 minutes late for the showing. Would you believe that when I arrived, it was still in previews! YES! But then something told me that if I followed my bliss, the universe would arrange all of it.

And so the next two hours were spent watching this man inspire me, while my kids were having a great time, and some of their very own much needed variety in their day, playing games with a babysitter who loves them. And I could love myself and find my inner artist stirred by watching the immense talent of not only Michael, but those very talented people around him, who worshiped Michael Jackson, as he had inspired their own artistry.

I could feel myself opening to all the possibilities as I watched him working his magic.

I felt the enormous enthusiasm of wanting to embrace my true uniqueness, my gifts, and all of me. I wanted to explore outside of the box and see what fun I might get to have in this world that I hadn't allowed before. All of the sudden the world felt like a playground.

What fun it could be! How I could feel on fire with passion for living...the ways that I already did, and how it just keeps feeling bigger and more possible. On fire, baby!

On my way home, I was singing at the top of my lungs--full of something called bliss--something called love--ready to shake it!

When the babysitter left, my kids and I had a dance party as we jiggled and shimmied around. They were laughing, and so was I as I danced all the while preparing dinner.

They knew joy, and I knew joy, and this morning when I woke them up singing, my voice felt free and strong. I had forgotten how much I used to love to sing.

I had forgotten a lot of things that brought me joy, lost in the perpetual machine of trying to be something I never could quite identify, trying to please I'm not sure who--all the people who were afraid?

Here is to shakin' it. Here is to feeling inspired. Here is to shedding any part of feeding the very DEAD machine of self-importance! Here is to appreciating uniqueness. Here is to all the artists that have ever had the courage to be authentically themselves. And here is to all of us finding that within all of us! Here is to making a better world--a more joyful world!

C'mon! Get out of the mind, and into the groove! Close your eyes, and feel that smile on your face to stay.



  1. Here's to it, girl!

    The world really is a playground if we choose to see it that way.

    Thanks for sharing all this joy and energy...

  2. I am right there groving with you woman!

    Out of the mind, out of self importance, out of people pleasing,

    authentically living...Love that!

    Kisses to my darling babies!(all 3)

  3. Loving this!! I live in a Michael Jackson loving home and your post rocked it :)

    "All of the sudden the world felt like a playground." This line shines for me. so apropos.

    Love this man and your story...clearly, his vision is still in motion!

    Here's to blissful singing and dance parties!!!


Post a Comment

♥ Thank you for taking the time connect with me here. ♥

Popular posts from this blog


Okay, I am just here writing, because I can't quite tell you how important it is that I have full permission to write, right here today, with this energy that I am holding. To stand strong in the truth of my being, that has felt quite weak and wavering in moments, and equally strong and clear in moments, as if these parts are truly at war with one another, and I am watching to see which one will win out, but the funny division between the two is merely this, the more I let the two up for air, wrestling and churning up and me trying to find which team is going to win, which one is going to end up on top, there is just simply me, sitting on the sidelines, and really tired of watching the back and the forth, and so, I just sit and put my hand in the sand I am sitting on the beach, and feel the texture of the sand, feel it running through my hand, and there is just this amazingness of this sand moving through my hand, and it feels timeless and I begin to see shapes and outlines in the…

RIP Poltergeist

After over ten years of an incredibly intense journey as a seeker, I find myself lying fallow. Taking a rest. When I first discovered this uncomfortable fact — threat to the hamster wheel that was my spiritual rat race, I surrendered for dead, but something wouldn’t let that fact sit as truth. I was lying fallow, but this implied that after a good rest, fruit could follow. This had nothing to do with death.

I am humbled at the courage it takes to write. For many years I kept a blog read by only a handful of very supportive people, and you’d think that after sharing writing for so long with perfect strangers, writing would have gotten easier. Actually, it got harder. In fact, at one point I was so paralyzed, I just stopped writing altogether. It was just too vulnerable. There was no trust there anymore, and I attributed any courage I had had to my youthful ignorance.

However, life continues, as it inevitably does, and there is still this pang to write, and it grows stronger and strong…

Big Red Bow & Boat

The next installment in a boat series, I guess. I just loved drawing this one. It just sort of appeared one day, and I loved the hues. Thanks Sharpie, for mixing up some alluring colors for me.

It didn't start out as night, but thanks to a sharpie mishap... but I am coming to ADORE those mishaps, because my favorite part of this little drawing is that it is night!

I also love drawing these women from behind with big bows. I love the mystery of whether the boat is coming in or going out. Perhaps it is all those Victoria Holt novels I read as a girl. Thanks mom!

It is fun to just enjoy looking at art I've created, not because they are good, but because they evoke something for me in my experience--something that just feels simply a little bit more alive--tiny sparks of wonder that make me feel curious about this human existence, and our desire to create--something wordless. Sometimes I think it is the closest way that I get to brush up to my personal experience as a human. Beca…