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Life Preserver


Photo by Suzanne Wright (Yes, 100% real and untouched!)

Dear All That Is,

Thank you for the life preservers you continued to throw out to me this week, when I was drowning. Thank you for attempting to reel me into safety, even though I kept losing hold. Thank you for throwing out one after the other to me anyway. Thank you for waiting, calm and patient, for not giving up on me, even if I was close to giving up on myself.

Now that I am on dry land, I see how you held me there, hoping I would just allow the waves, that felt so frightening, to soothe me, trying to show me how at moments, I let them.

Thank you for showing me that my girls night out that I decided to miss, ended up being a beautiful gift for two of my friends to share, to help them connect in a deeper way, and how they were able to go, and bring much wisdom back for me from their time together, and from the author they met.

Thank you for helping me make the right call to stay home, so that I could be there with my very sick little one, who really needed her mommy.

Thank you for the beautiful phone calls from my mother, that comforted me, and kept me aware of a window of love I could look through to find peace.

Thank you for my sweet friend, Julia, who took time out of her precious time to bring me my favorite teas and a delicious loaf of pumpkin bread, who took the time to call me and talk on the phone even when her family was needing her.

Thank you for my forgiving children, who saw some of the best and worst of their mother this week.

Thank you for the moment when I was able to finally take good hold of the life preserver, when I felt myself lifted up onto dry land; when I felt that my presence was needed in this world.

Thank you for shining light on me, and alleviating my guilt in so many ways: the film "Evening" where a woman was talking to her dying mother, and telling her that she wanted her to know before she died, how differently she thought of her after having her own kids--realizing that she couldn't help but make mistakes with her kids, even when she knew that she was doing the best she could. When she said she wondered, not if her children would remember her mistakes, but which ones they would remember.

Thank you for reminding me that I am not alone wanting to feel like a good mother, and feeling that I fall short.

Thank you for the moment in the beauty supply store, when the young store clerk recognized me, as the woman who had reached out to the woman who was feeling ugly, and who told me how wonderful I'd been to that woman. (see Dear Darling Soul) Thank you for that message, when I wasn't feeling so sure that I'd ever done any good.

Thank you for the chance to eavesdrop on her conversation with the other store clerk, who was apparently new, as they commiserated about their broken families, and their broken mothers, feeling their mothers could have been so beautiful, if they'd only taken ahold of the life preservers meant for them.

Thank you for the recognition that these two young women, with their similar stories, had come together for a reason, and that in their healing, they might find a way to see their mothers lives with much purpose, and with less pain.

Thank you for the wisdom this held for my own mothering.

Thank you for the recognition of the woman/grocery clerk, who looked sadder than I have ever seen, who I remembered had a child, and in telling her I remembered, told me that, yes, she had a four-year-old girl. Thank you for the smile that lit up her face as I told her I had one too, and we talked about them for those few seconds. Thank you for my ability to see someone who was right in front of me, and her sadness, that I might not have noticed before.

Thank you for nudging me to rent the movie, "Pay it Forward", and how it reminded me in a beautifully cinematic way that we can never know how far reaching our deeds might travel.

Thank you for the beautiful song at the end of the movie, "Calling all Angels", that reminded me of the angel-ness of all of us, and how even when we feel darkness, despair, and, or paralyzing guilt, we can lift ourselves up, and let our angel selves out to shine, to reach out with all of the love that we have to give. Thank you for the reminder that we are all so needed.

All of us.

Thank you for reminding me, that it isn't about perfect execution, but about showing up to put one foot in front of the other, and leading from the heart.

Thank you for a deep knowing that this week softened me, and took me deeper, that it dislodged aspects of myself, ready for healing, ready for peace. Thank you for knowing what I need, and for giving it to me.

Love,

One of your Angels

Comments

  1. What can I say... except, how truly beautiful the process of going within is; dueling with the dark knight and then seeing and feeling the light of joy emerge again. Thank you for being such an example for me. I love you with all my heart.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you for you, dear Brooke.

    I, too, love you with all my heart. You are truly a gift to this world.

    Sending my love.

    ReplyDelete

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