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In the Fire

I want to write about the lovely clarity when I post a little diddy on this site--when in that moment, I find that little bit of goodness that keeps me feeling connected, and in love with life. It is magical, it is.

But I also want to write about post the post. Often, after the post, is when the work begins; after I've glimpsed a piece of the divine, had a genuine moment of communing with my spirit--and then I wake up back in my life.

Sometimes it gets really scary. Sometimes the shock is greater. The damage feels more intense.

Glimpsing the divine comes with a responsibility. So, it is no wonder that sometimes I feel like the world's biggest hypocrite.

The truth is, sometimes I act from my mind, and it is airtight in its anger; always born from having let this most important connection with myself deteriorate to next to nothing.

Yes, I may have glimpsed Heaven, but I have also seen the far reaches of Hell.

When something, (like sick kids), finds me more in my fearful thoughts, without the space or clarity to find perspective, to see things in a new light, I get propelled back into my old reflexes. I spiral into darkness and I'm there before I realized I've ever left. I can't see any light, and there is no distance from my thoughts. In fact, I am a slave to them, and they tell me stories that I believe without question.

I find myself adding to the fire, fighting what is, confused about what decisions to make, and guilt-ridden with the blind rage that makes me recognize a part of me, that frankly, I don't want to know--that I know all too well.

These are unpredictable places. And of course, why would I be working in the places that I already have figured out?

These are deeper layers of the final frontier--but that connect to every part of my own creations, my feelings of worth, and my ability to give and, very importantly, to receive.

So where do we go from here?

Doubt.

Yes, doubt.


long pause


Yet, there is the unmistakable truth that I am less in these horrific places than I once was.

Can I accept the tiny bit of progress that is shifting me to a more peaceful way of being--likely the very reason that I experience more moments of the divine?

Or, will I condemn myself, for my inability to rise above the mind.

Post the post is the practice.

What I know: If I condemn myself, I condemn all of you. If I condemn all of you, I condemn me. It doesn't matter in what order. It keeps me punishing myself, or you. Either way, it is the same.

My spirit feels bruised right now. That is my story. But nothing can harm the spirit. Only the mind transposes its perception of darkness over the beauty there.

And I hear: Be at peace, dear one, there can be nothing more important than questioning those thoughts that separate, that fear, that limit, that condemn. There is no greater work to change the world. There is no greater Love than can be found in the process.

And I see that only through this work, will I find the space in my thoughts where the divine can slip in, to help me find another perspective, before I am blinded to it by the more than pitiable monster, that is my mind.

Comments

  1. So perfectly said...

    The daily practice is the work. We are all in the boat together, you are not alone. You are an amazing woman and I am very proud to have you in my life.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Divine one---you are perfect. All is as it should be.

    You are loved and held no matter how much ugliness your mind throws at you. Unconditionally---every. part. of. you. is. loved.

    I cherish you.

    ReplyDelete

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