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Showing posts from November, 2009

Hokey Pokey

Photo by Lyn

Today when I was driving my daughter to preschool, I saw a bumper sticker that caught my eye, and sent me into chuckles. It said:

"Maybe the Hokey Pokey is what it's all about."

I immediately called my friend, Julia, because together she and I are always trying to get to the bottom of the so called meaning of life, and we can take ourselves rather seriously at times. We laughed together for longer than I would have expected. It felt so good to find something so funny and so profoundly meaningful. Of course, we'd both seen the sticker before, but this morning it brought much comic relief.

It was perfect for me as the message I've been getting lately, is to lighten up and to go with the flow.

I've even been having more moments of fun as I let go of single-handedly trying to save the world, of allowing Source to have some hand in it, of simplifying things by moving them from the head to the heart--letting answers come from deep within, rather than from e…


There is a softness that I access without the mind. There is release of a gripping sensation around the heart and head. The breath flows with more ease, as if a dam has given way. The sides of the mouth curve up gently, as something smiles within.

Most mornings I wake up, and feel the burden of my mind, that drags old beliefs, old fears, old judgements around with it, as I journey forth, as I ride the waves of the mighty sea. Like barnacles crusting over an old ship, they ride with me, and mistaken for alive, I grant them sanctuary, no matter that they enshroud the splendor of my spirit, and weigh me down.

The cantankerous passengers have formed so gradually over time, and have been with me for so long, that I don't remember what it felt like to be shiny and new. I might feel incomplete without their company.

And yet I notice, I am still afloat.

I turn inward. I recognize the weariness of being at sea for so long, at staring out into the emptiness and not really seeing, because I'…

Telling Secrets

I sidle up to one perfect stranger,
remarking that this one isn't afraid.
Our stories collide, murky,
but all the same intelligible,
at least, for our sakes, we hope so--

and mostly to the other,
there has never been anything
that made as much sense.

In our unapologetic rendering
of the truth, we stop time,
and unearth at its end
something real, something
unexpected peeking
out from beneath the heavy matters.

In plain sight, a splendid little
corner reveals itself, and begs us
dig deeper of its curiosities.

We know it owns the world
somehow, this simple vestige,
needing only one plus another,
never meant to be buried,
but left out in open air,
to be savored with the sweet.

On Doubt

Yesterday, after sending off my letter (included in the previous post), to the relevant participants, I felt my mind start creeping in and asking me gnawing questions, like, who do you think you are? You'll make a fool of yourself trying to penetrate a world so steeped in bureaucracy, so encumbered with legalities, not to mention laden with rigid conformists, all so full of fear. Give this up! They don't want some Mary Sunshine, with her zealous version of a shining, but very unrealistic, Utopia, shaking up their 9-5's.

I had to breathe deeply, and to be so thankful for the joyous response from those who received and read my letter, and who responded by seconding me, expressing that they too believed that a voice of truth was one that needed to be heard, who felt that a bright future was not in rehashing it all the same way.

Still, it was an exercise in letting go--after all, I wasn't comfortable with it having to be my voice that the truth had chosen, my name that appe…

Man In the Mirror (Thanks MJ)

It is quiet this morning. I've just lit a few candles and some incense, hoping that the element of fire will help burn through the cloudiness of my mind, and that the sweet pungent smell of the incense will help thin the veil between worlds that at the moment feels like a firewall.

There is so much beauty that I am unwilling to see right now. I don't know if it is worse to know the workings of the mind, and still actually believe in them, or to be completely identified with the mind and not feel the responsibility of really seeing.

Another working of my mind coming at me from behind! Somehow I must be all-knowing. Somehow I must have clear vision. Somehow, I must be perfect, not to mention superhuman.

I sink into a truth, that I need to know nothing, understand nothing, and be nothing. Thoughts counter to these are products of an unloving mind.

I sink into a truth of what I already am. I Am.

So, at this moment that beauty around me feels to belong to others, and I feel like an outs…

Refuel Time!

As I make clear sweeps at the shit in my mind, magical moments begin to emerge in the freshness of space where beauty is uncovered. There are moments of bliss that must happen and that cannot be delayed, not even for a minute!

Yesterday my kids were home from school, and fighting, or on the verge of fighting most of the day. Fortunately, I was in a place of going with the flow more than usual. Kids fight, is what I told myself. Kids believe their thoughts, just like I do. Don't judge them harshly. All the negativity that they are expressing they genuinely feel, and, of course, it feels impossible for them to separate themselves from it--to snap out of it, so to speak. Just be with it.

All day I repeated this to myself, noting the feeling of contraction in my body, and the feeling of powerlessness I felt when my kids started to go at it, when they wailed, when they hit each other.

It is often the case, when I am in a good place, (especially when I am in a good place), that it feels l…

Wanting to Wear Rainbows

Photo by Lyn

I look in the mirror. I see myself dressed in my usual sober colors. Navy vest, light blue long sleeved shirt, and chocolate brown cords--do brown and blue even go together? (Apparently I'm willing to risk it). Oh, and navy socks with tiny white polka dots. That's fun, right?

My brown hair looks fuzzy from the rain. I've pulled it back into a pony tail. It's the best I can do with it, without starting from scratch.

Wanting to feel better. Wanting to wear rainbows.

Then I remember my awesome winter scarf, perfect for this cold day, the one I dragged my husband all over Paris to find, when my heart's desire was a colorful winter scarf a la Parisienne.

I run and find it. There it is! I grab it and spiral it around my neck. I smile. My heart warms.

I love color. I love rainbows, and now I am wearing them.

Is it going too far to say that I was already looking out for myself, back on that day, when I set out on a brave little quest to find a little spray of color …

The Truth Will Set You Free

Photo by Lyn

So, I have this book called A Course in Miracles. Although I have come across many books on my journey, there isn't another one that comes even close to speaking to me as this one does.
It is no accident that I have this book. Fifteen years ago I was drawn to it in a bookstore. I picked it up and read a couple lines, and understood none of its lofty language, and so, I put it back on the shelf. I understand now that my encounter with it then was only to mark the moment in time, and to foreshadow the moment when I would find it, and be ready for it.

On meditating on some of the exercises in the book, I had some very interesting realizations coming to me, showing me in a very clear way, the nature of my fearful mind.

The exercise asked me to meditate on the phrase, "God is the Love in which I forgive [name]." It asked me to insert the name of anyone who came to mind, and so in a very relaxed state, I let names drift into my awareness. What I couldn't believe …

Life Preserver

Photo by Suzanne Wright (Yes, 100% real and untouched!)
Dear All That Is,

Thank you for the life preservers you continued to throw out to me this week, when I was drowning. Thank you for attempting to reel me into safety, even though I kept losing hold. Thank you for throwing out one after the other to me anyway. Thank you for waiting, calm and patient, for not giving up on me, even if I was close to giving up on myself.

Now that I am on dry land, I see how you held me there, hoping I would just allow the waves, that felt so frightening, to soothe me, trying to show me how at moments, I let them.

Thank you for showing me that my girls night out that I decided to miss, ended up being a beautiful gift for two of my friends to share, to help them connect in a deeper way, and how they were able to go, and bring much wisdom back for me from their time together, and from the author they met.

Thank you for helping me make the right call to stay home, so that I could be there with my very sick l…

In the Fire

I want to write about the lovely clarity when I post a little diddy on this site--when in that moment, I find that little bit of goodness that keeps me feeling connected, and in love with life. It is magical, it is.

But I also want to write about post the post. Often, after the post, is when the work begins; after I've glimpsed a piece of the divine, had a genuine moment of communing with my spirit--and then I wake up back in my life.

Sometimes it gets really scary. Sometimes the shock is greater. The damage feels more intense.

Glimpsing the divine comes with a responsibility. So, it is no wonder that sometimes I feel like the world's biggest hypocrite.

The truth is, sometimes I act from my mind, and it is airtight in its anger; always born from having let this most important connection with myself deteriorate to next to nothing.

Yes, I may have glimpsed Heaven, but I have also seen the far reaches of Hell.

When something, (like sick kids), finds me more in my fearful thoughts, with…

Proof of Spring

Photo by Lyn

Today my daughter is home sick, and I am feeling very content that I am able to be with her, to help her feel better as she exercises her own healing power. I don't feel the nagging fears that I would have felt, before I began the daunting task of questioning my thoughts; worried if she has something scary, or that she is getting behind at school, and missing formative moments with her friends. I don't feel any resistance to the fact that I may not be able to participate in my normal activities, which this week happens to include a girls night out to the big city. I have no choice but to accept what is, and move with it, and I feel surprisingly okay with it. I'm not making more illness out of the thoughts in my head, to stack on top of the illness of my daughter.

Sometimes when I am talking to my daughter about her innate ability to heal, I feel a voice of love speaking through me, to my own heart and to my own experience. It tells me that our bodies heal natur…