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Through the Looking Glass

Photo by Lyn

This is the longest I've gone without a post! Feels funny. However, I've decided that I can't force this. I want to be in the flow. The past couple of days, the flow hasn't included blogging. It has been time for me to be fully engaged in my physical reality with my kids--and its up for debate if it would be considered smooth sailing or not.

Although I've had plenty of tools to draw from to keep me looking beyond the illusion, I've literally had to bring down the intensity, because by the end of the day, after trying to see things as they really are, (from my heart), I've been exhausted. Because I am retraining my mind, I am always on--and the intense training with little egos and some big, leaves me needing to resource constantly.

I look up at the full moon, and wonder if it has had any extra effect on me, because at moments, I've wanted to howl at it!

I've been in the advanced training. I have had to find that right balance between honesty, empowerment, compassion, and vision.

I've had to allow myself to have an honest response to what is happening, which usually is the part of myself that can't see through the illusion. It is the part of me that says, "can you believe that?" "How dare you!" "Magic, what magic?"

After the honest response, it is quickly to the lands of seeing beyond--and this is what takes the energy. It is like I am turning my brain inside out to get to that place of peace. It is worth it, but when you are in intense training mode, sometimes you just have to shut down for a while, and lighten things up. To do this, I have been less drawn to write, and more drawn to getting my sleep as I build endurance. I am sure there will come a time when I can integrate it all a little more, and feel lighter about the entire process. But right now, I am on a quest to see the truth in all aspects of my life, and it takes discipline not to think in the ways that I always have before.

Yesterday, my girls were fighting like crazy. My younger one took some cherry fruit snacks away from the older, who lost it. She was screaming at the top of her lungs at me, "Mommy, she took my cherry fruit snacks, they were everything to me! I have to have them! I need them!They were everything to me! I'll die if I don't have them!" I was on the phone, trying to ignore her drama, and hoping they would work it out. However it escalated. The older started to lay into her sister, hitting her. I finally hung up, and put her, and her drama in her room. I was irritated at my younger for taking the snacks away, but I was full-blown angry at my older daughter for her dramatic reaction, for hitting her sister, and for screaming while I was trying to finish up my call. All I could feel was anger at her for not dealing with it in a more mature way. Both of them got put in their rooms.

I had been in such a flowing space, and I knew that if I asked, I could get some wisdom, but the sound of their crying, setting the tone for our weekend together, was blocking any clarity.

My normal reaction? I would have kept them in their rooms until I cooled down, and then walked the rest of the weekend, feeling angry and guilty for 1: my inability to be more patient and to allow my kids an honest response to what happens to them without feeling such anger and judgement, and 2: my inability to control my kids, and create a place of lasting peace in our house.

I am learning that my past expectations with my kids have been unrealistic and have caused me and them suffering. What I have perceived as peaceful, is part of the ego world image: the land of Donna Reid. So, I have been happy to shatter that guilt-provoking image. I am also learning that it was unrealistic for me to be hard on myself for not being able to find "the way" to control my kids. It was like trying to put a leash on lightening, and being angry at yourself for not succeeding.

Advanced Training:

Because I couldn't think with the horrible convulsions that were ripping through me at the sound of my girls crying, I went out to my car. I shut the door, and I asked to have clarity. I closed my eyes, and began to breathe. My intention was to see what was happening for what it was, not from the perspective of my emotions, that were out of control. I wanted to make this a teaching moment for all of us, not just another crisis with no purpose. A flood of peace came over me as I sat there in the quiet of my car. I was literally there for less than one minute, when the wisdom of what had happened flooded over me.

I walked right back inside and called "family meeting!" My girls begrudgingly came and sat down, my older daughter still mourning the loss of her cherry fruit snacks.

"Okay, girls," I said, "Let's see what was really happening here. Let's unzip this picture and walk through it so that we can really see!"

They listened, and I explained, how younger sister had taken something from big sister, and so big sister had taken something back from little sister by hitting her. They had both taken something away from mommy by acting this way, which made her angry, and she had taken something away, putting them in their rooms for punishment. It didn't matter who did it first, because everyone was forced into the "taking away" cycle. And all because of the illusion that someone else had the power to take something away, and that we had something that could be taken away. We all had a story that we needed something outside of us to be happy. Younger sister needed more cherries because she didn't have enough, older sister needed the cherries because they were "everything" to her. And mommy needed her girls to behave in a mature, gentle fashion, so she could look forward to spending time with her kids, and could feel peace.

We were all attached to certain outcomes of behavior from those around us to be happy. I talked about how there would always be that something outside of us that we would need more than anything to feel complete. I, myself, thought of how just the change of weather was bringing some needy feelings out in me, and some dramatic stories.

Younger daughter loved this wisdom. She started bringing up other examples of this. This made me smile. She is 4. The older one was a little more reluctant to let go, but showed signs of being torn about wanting relief or suffering. We talked about how someone would always have power over us, as long as we believed that there were things outside of ourselves that we needed. We would always think that what we needed was more important than those we loved, and worse that it could be taken away.

Whether or not they got this on a fundamental level doesn't matter, because my vision of love and adoration was restored for my girls in an instant, and I was thankful for my gift of seeing them through the looking glass. I was thankful for the advanced training.

However, it will take me a while to have the stamina and awareness to do this in every interaction with them. We have had many more of these moments this weekend, and I am very much motivated, because in the end, the anger and fear is transmuted into love, but I have a story going that it is exhausting. It is exhausting, but I know that it is largely exhausting because I am attached to my body feeling energetic and good as I move through life. As I sink into the idea that there is no perfect way of feeling in the physical body, and that I can exist within a wide range of physical states, and that each one is perfect, and contains the perfect gift, for the perfect learning. Retraining my mind works on every level.

So, even as I sit here and my younger daughter is kicking the computer monitor with her out of control feet, I can see the sweetness of her feet clad in hot pink footy pajamas, and I can find peace and love. I won't miss the moments in anger, because I can take myself out of it. Instead I can step through the looking glass into a world of love and beauty, that includes an infinite amount of variations.


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