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Permission

Today I am giving myself permission not to keep it together. Today I am giving myself permission to cry. Today I am letting all of what I thought was power, seep out of me, and leave within its wake something new, and something softer--something that recognizes that each sob, each convulsion of my body, all the tears shed are manifestations of the deep release that is part of the whole, as part of the necessary components of healing.

So, I let myself mourn in my sacred space. I let myself feel all of it, knowing that in allowing myself this, I will set it free.

I let myself mourn my marriage, and my fairy tale dreams of living happily ever after. I let myself mourn the loss of adhering to ideas and social structures that helped me feel secure, brave even, and mostly comfortable with my definitions of myself. I mourn the precious picture that I held in my head for so many years about the perfect little household, with my perfectly groomed little girls, and a loving relationship with a husband, where our partnership was about building a beautiful force to keep us safe from harm. I mourn the part of me that wanted to be protected and saved. I mourn the part of me that was determined to see all of these ideals through, who had such faith that if she just tried harder, and put herself last more often, that if only her heart were big enough, it would all work out in the end--happily ever after.

I cry, and I cry, and I cry. I give myself permission. And I savor how it rips through me. I savor it and I embrace it. It feels like pain, but woven in with the strange feeling of surrender. It feels like coming home, and also like death. I am dying--but there is the knowing that the same loving heart, the one with such faith, is being reborn, at the same time as it dies. And it will be stronger, and this faith will echo outside of time. This faith will know trust.

And even though I can't yet feel the Phoenix wings beneath my feet, there is the promise. I can feel it deep within, as I die, as I watch myself die; there within I discover an unmistakable truth: the watcher remains very much, utterly, and inconceivably, alive.

Comments

  1. I can feel this living and dying...a repeating cycle with letting go at the heart. Where will the next current take us?

    ReplyDelete
  2. So glad you're giving yourself permission to feel it all and to surrender at the same time.

    You are a very brave and very alive woman.

    ReplyDelete

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