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Pay Back

I was sitting at the dinner table last night, trying to overcome the pain of my mind that was trying to ruthlessly drown me in its monstrous sea of darkness, although I couldn't think of one thing that was bad enough to keep me under. As I tried to put a label on the dark thoughts, in an attempt to unravel them and set them free, they became stronger, and I was overwhelmed with confusion.

My littlest one said, "Mommy, what's wrong?"

Usually they pay little attention to me at the table, busy playing or fighting, so, I was very surprised that they even noticed me, let alone sensed that anything was wrong. I displayed no outward sadness, at least not more than usual.

I said, "Oh, nothing, my mind is a little crazy right now, trying to make me feel that everything is wrong, even though I can't find anything that is wrong--it's keeping me from seeing what is right in front of me."

My little one came over to me and sat on my lap and gave me a hug, at the same time my oldest said, "So, mommy, what do you like to do?"

"What do you mean?" I said.

"Maybe you could do something that you like, so your mind won't catch you."

I was flooded with love as I realized that they were helping me.

Through my overwhelming gratitude, I smiled and hugged my littlest, and said, "I love snuggling with my girls."

"Then do that." My oldest said. "You should do that so you'll feel better." My youngest pressed her cheek against mine and put her arms around me.

"Thank you." I said, humbled by their reaching out to me, and with such wisdom. I wonder if they understood what a gift they had been for me in that moment. Never in a million years could I have predicted that my little ones, who make me crazy much of the time, would be the ones to reach out with such love and knowingness about the heart of things.

They are listening.

They are hearing me.

I am hearing myself, and my life is changing.

The universe gives back, and I know that the balance of my life has shifted. I know that because of this work of the heart that the course of my life is one where the peaceful moments will outnumber the dark ones--and always the way back will be given to me, in the moment, if I choose to notice it, perhaps even out of the beautiful mouth of babes.

I give thanks for these little ones that have come to me with more wisdom, and with more purpose than I could ever imagine. May I always see the miracle of love that appears before me, extending itself to me, without any strings attached. May I be always willing to receive it.

May you, dear one who reads this, find the same beautiful love given so freely to you, that asks nothing more of you than that you open and receive it. May you see your infinite worth in this gift, and may you find in it boundless love to give.

ps. Happy Birthday, Mom! I love you!


  1. Oh, oh. The tears are spilling over. This was just breathtakingly beautiful.

    So so so very sweet.

  2. p.s: Happy Birthday sweet woman, Lyn.

    Sending bundles of love your way.

  3. What a beautiful and most powerful birthday gift, this ever expanding circle of love, rippling out and out and out. You, my precious daughter are such a gift in my life. Your example, your questioning, your suffering,your loving, your expansion; it all fits so perfectly together; now a gift to you from your little ones. How divine! I love you.

  4. Dear Brooke, these girls are your children and you have inspired them. You inspire them every day and the day you need your inspiration, they are capable to return it at you. You had planted in them the first seeds of love and attention...


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