Skip to main content

Pay Back

I was sitting at the dinner table last night, trying to overcome the pain of my mind that was trying to ruthlessly drown me in its monstrous sea of darkness, although I couldn't think of one thing that was bad enough to keep me under. As I tried to put a label on the dark thoughts, in an attempt to unravel them and set them free, they became stronger, and I was overwhelmed with confusion.

My littlest one said, "Mommy, what's wrong?"

Usually they pay little attention to me at the table, busy playing or fighting, so, I was very surprised that they even noticed me, let alone sensed that anything was wrong. I displayed no outward sadness, at least not more than usual.

I said, "Oh, nothing, my mind is a little crazy right now, trying to make me feel that everything is wrong, even though I can't find anything that is wrong--it's keeping me from seeing what is right in front of me."

My little one came over to me and sat on my lap and gave me a hug, at the same time my oldest said, "So, mommy, what do you like to do?"

"What do you mean?" I said.

"Maybe you could do something that you like, so your mind won't catch you."

I was flooded with love as I realized that they were helping me.

Through my overwhelming gratitude, I smiled and hugged my littlest, and said, "I love snuggling with my girls."

"Then do that." My oldest said. "You should do that so you'll feel better." My youngest pressed her cheek against mine and put her arms around me.

"Thank you." I said, humbled by their reaching out to me, and with such wisdom. I wonder if they understood what a gift they had been for me in that moment. Never in a million years could I have predicted that my little ones, who make me crazy much of the time, would be the ones to reach out with such love and knowingness about the heart of things.

They are listening.

They are hearing me.

I am hearing myself, and my life is changing.

The universe gives back, and I know that the balance of my life has shifted. I know that because of this work of the heart that the course of my life is one where the peaceful moments will outnumber the dark ones--and always the way back will be given to me, in the moment, if I choose to notice it, perhaps even out of the beautiful mouth of babes.

I give thanks for these little ones that have come to me with more wisdom, and with more purpose than I could ever imagine. May I always see the miracle of love that appears before me, extending itself to me, without any strings attached. May I be always willing to receive it.

May you, dear one who reads this, find the same beautiful love given so freely to you, that asks nothing more of you than that you open and receive it. May you see your infinite worth in this gift, and may you find in it boundless love to give.

ps. Happy Birthday, Mom! I love you!


  1. Oh, oh. The tears are spilling over. This was just breathtakingly beautiful.

    So so so very sweet.

  2. p.s: Happy Birthday sweet woman, Lyn.

    Sending bundles of love your way.

  3. What a beautiful and most powerful birthday gift, this ever expanding circle of love, rippling out and out and out. You, my precious daughter are such a gift in my life. Your example, your questioning, your suffering,your loving, your expansion; it all fits so perfectly together; now a gift to you from your little ones. How divine! I love you.

  4. Dear Brooke, these girls are your children and you have inspired them. You inspire them every day and the day you need your inspiration, they are capable to return it at you. You had planted in them the first seeds of love and attention...


Post a Comment

♥ Thank you for taking the time connect with me here. ♥

Popular posts from this blog


Okay, I am just here writing, because I can't quite tell you how important it is that I have full permission to write, right here today, with this energy that I am holding. To stand strong in the truth of my being, that has felt quite weak and wavering in moments, and equally strong and clear in moments, as if these parts are truly at war with one another, and I am watching to see which one will win out, but the funny division between the two is merely this, the more I let the two up for air, wrestling and churning up and me trying to find which team is going to win, which one is going to end up on top, there is just simply me, sitting on the sidelines, and really tired of watching the back and the forth, and so, I just sit and put my hand in the sand I am sitting on the beach, and feel the texture of the sand, feel it running through my hand, and there is just this amazingness of this sand moving through my hand, and it feels timeless and I begin to see shapes and outlines in the…

RIP Poltergeist

After over ten years of an incredibly intense journey as a seeker, I find myself lying fallow. Taking a rest. When I first discovered this uncomfortable fact — threat to the hamster wheel that was my spiritual rat race, I surrendered for dead, but something wouldn’t let that fact sit as truth. I was lying fallow, but this implied that after a good rest, fruit could follow. This had nothing to do with death.

I am humbled at the courage it takes to write. For many years I kept a blog read by only a handful of very supportive people, and you’d think that after sharing writing for so long with perfect strangers, writing would have gotten easier. Actually, it got harder. In fact, at one point I was so paralyzed, I just stopped writing altogether. It was just too vulnerable. There was no trust there anymore, and I attributed any courage I had had to my youthful ignorance.

However, life continues, as it inevitably does, and there is still this pang to write, and it grows stronger and strong…

Big Red Bow & Boat

The next installment in a boat series, I guess. I just loved drawing this one. It just sort of appeared one day, and I loved the hues. Thanks Sharpie, for mixing up some alluring colors for me.

It didn't start out as night, but thanks to a sharpie mishap... but I am coming to ADORE those mishaps, because my favorite part of this little drawing is that it is night!

I also love drawing these women from behind with big bows. I love the mystery of whether the boat is coming in or going out. Perhaps it is all those Victoria Holt novels I read as a girl. Thanks mom!

It is fun to just enjoy looking at art I've created, not because they are good, but because they evoke something for me in my experience--something that just feels simply a little bit more alive--tiny sparks of wonder that make me feel curious about this human existence, and our desire to create--something wordless. Sometimes I think it is the closest way that I get to brush up to my personal experience as a human. Beca…