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Gifts in Unlikely Places

Photo by Lyn


The more I live from the heart, the more the heart of the world comes to me. The more I let go, the more I trust, the more I live authentically, the more I am carried.

It feels counter intuitive. I'm not doing anything the way I used to, and in fact, I can't. I honestly can't. When I fall back into default/conditioned ways of thinking, and acting, my body shuts down. I can barely move. I have become extremely sensitive to what feels good and what doesn't. But the funny thing is that nothing is falling apart. How can this be?

I tell the truth more--to others, and mostly to myself--the truths that are difficult to speak. I am finding a rhythm to my day that has nothing to do with 'shoulds'. A lot of things are left undone, but yet, somehow in time, they get done, and without near the struggle. Rather in the place of struggle, there is grace, there is increased ease coming my way. There are more opportunities to experience things in a new way, and mostly there is deep, deep love in so many forms. Not just experiences that look like love--no, something much richer; the picture of love, but with the depth of all existence contained within, but with no apparent boundaries; a love and connectedness, a recognition of oneness, and an increasing view of the world as a beautiful place.


There is a knowing that if I just quiet my mind, I will know what to do. It is acting out of love, and only love, not out of fear. It is acting without the judgement of right or wrong, but seeing through it to truth. It isn't passive. It is sometimes loud, and sometimes quiet--and it is wide open because it doesn't look like anything. It can't look like anything because it is completely new--and somewhere in this understanding is the source of its power.

Being carried:

Yesterday, my husband and I met with the divorce attorney, who is a mediator. We have been in separate households since Valentine's day, but we have put off making our divorce official because of the very complicated process--kind of like taxes, but much worse. But as the season changes, there is the knowing that it is time.

Spiritually, we came to terms with our divorce long ago, and in many ways that was good enough for me. I have tried not to give the physical process of divorce much thought. I have suppressed thinking about it because of all of my conditioned ideas about how painful the process is sure to be, all of the stories of how it ravages lives and kills the spirit.

So, for the last few days, I had been anticipating this meeting, feeling very fearful.

Both my husband and I talked to attorneys several months ago, and we were horrified. We came away having been told how much we would have to fight, how our spouse and their lawyer were bound to come at us thoroughly until they had ripped us to shreds. We came together after our meetings and talked about our experience, and decided that we weren't going to do it that way. We were determined to do it gracefully--with the intention of building something for our family, not tearing it apart.

Since then, both of us have made remarkable strides in finding peaceful solutions together, not always 'perfect', but the best with our current perspectives for the good of all of us.

However, when it came to making it official, we were useless trying to interpret legal jargon, and after leaving more blanks in the divorce papers than were filled in, we knew we needed help

Enter the lawyer--the gift.

The entire feel of this man was different. It was as if he was a wise father, listening to both of us, really listening, wanting us to be informed, but wanting to make this as easy for us as possible. He understood his power. He understood how our decisions now would affect the rest of our lives. He was humble in his power. Instead of fueling any fighting, he gently nudged us both out of our corners, opening us up to the possibilities of communicating and seeing things differently, all the time commending our desire to work this out respectfully. He had seen the casualties of war. He had seen people destroyed. He was aware of how it was done in the world, but had chosen to exist the best he could off of the battlefield. It made it that much easier for me to trust him, to put weight into his perspectives, and to recognize him as no different from myself, straddling both worlds, finding ways of existing in both while promoting peace.

This man was in tune, this man reassured us without promising us the world, subtly empowering us. This man shared his own experiences with his divorce and children, and continually talked about satisfying the law, but also having the option of being human about it. He treated us in a sincere way, considering both of our well-beings. When he walked out of the room, my husband and I agreed that this man was different. We gave each other a high-five:) I didn't say it, but I knew I was being carried.

And so another gift in the journey, at a time when I was afraid I might have to compromise my soul one more time.

I continue to walk between the worlds knowing that the paths will be laid out before me, and that I need only show up, and place one precious foot in front of the other--with no worry that I will miss something important along the way. It will be shown to me, and I will know which calls to heed. Out of the confusion is born clarity and as always appreciation for the grace that is always there.

And the knowledge that is trying to come through at all times: I have done nothing wrong. It was always supposed to be this way, and it continues to be so. There is no need for me to be punnished. I can be carried, and with no strings attached.

Comments

  1. Thank you for warming my heart and putting a smile on my face.

    Grace. Yes, that's it, isn't it?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Your example, living authentically, ripples out to us all, thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Woman, this is it! Beautifully and authentically profound :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. What a beautiful story. Your experience proves that divorce can be as loving, kind, and supportive. Thank you for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thank you all for your beautiful comments, support and for reading. Much love to you.

    ReplyDelete

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