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Showing posts from October, 2009

Not Even a Million Kisses

Photo by Lyn

Today I ran into a woman that I thought I should be. She was nice and thin, first of all, and pretty-- no, beautiful in a very simple and understated way. She was wearing a stylish black shawl, and jeans, and she walked gracefully, almost like she glided. She was calm and peaceful, pushing her impeccably clean baby stroller with her perfectly quiet, soothed baby. Hell, I was soothed by her. Then there was her second little one, who followed her in tow, just at the nod of her head. Everything about her felt quiet, and released, and grounded. It was a cold morning, but everything about her seemed warm. She exuded warmth.

So began my entire story about this perfect, unsuspecting, stranger, who appears here for you, just as her essence played itself over and over in my thoughts all day long--each run bringing familiar pangs of weariness, as something inside myself made sure to repeat the encounter, to make sure I knew the distance between us.

And this amounts to feelings of fat…

Pay Back

I was sitting at the dinner table last night, trying to overcome the pain of my mind that was trying to ruthlessly drown me in its monstrous sea of darkness, although I couldn't think of one thing that was bad enough to keep me under. As I tried to put a label on the dark thoughts, in an attempt to unravel them and set them free, they became stronger, and I was overwhelmed with confusion.

My littlest one said, "Mommy, what's wrong?"

Usually they pay little attention to me at the table, busy playing or fighting, so, I was very surprised that they even noticed me, let alone sensed that anything was wrong. I displayed no outward sadness, at least not more than usual.

I said, "Oh, nothing, my mind is a little crazy right now, trying to make me feel that everything is wrong, even though I can't find anything that is wrong--it's keeping me from seeing what is right in front of me."

My little one came over to me and sat on my lap and gave me a hug, at the same…

Paying Attention

My beautiful cat, Aslan

Here is my present.

My cat has come and put himself between me and the computer on my lap. He has nestled his little head through my arms, and is sound asleep as I type this, I am having to rest my arms on him to get to the keyboard.

A smile forms on my lips, effortlessly, as I watch him. A warm feeling of love fills my heart. My kitty witty.

He is such a sweet furry friend. I touch his head and he nuzzles into my hand, not caring that I am stirring him from his sleep.

He reminds me that I need not do, be, or have anything--that I already AM, that I have always been, that I already have.

Coffee Shop Shuffle

I was sitting in the coffee shop, practicing feeling present. I focused on feeling the chair under me, the table in front of me. I relaxed letting myself really feel the weight of my limbs, taking note of my breath, and of everything around me right in that moment. I could hear a symphony of background noise coming in and out of focus. And suddenly the strangest thing happened. As I watched the sea of people, they all appeared to be part of a choreographed dance. One person would shift his body in some way, and then another next to him/her would do something similar. It wrapped around the room in the most creative and spectacular dance. It seemed unreal to watch it, like I was going to be on candid camera or something--or maybe they are adding something strange to the coffee!

Perhaps if we want, we can see dancing everywhere we look!

Showing Up

I sit down to write today, reflective, thinking about why it is that I show up here day after day to write. I think about why it is that I am drawn to put these words together. I think about how wonderful it is to digest words, to find the hidden meaning in a poem, to find ourselves in prose, to read that story that draws up something from within the deep reaches of who we think we are, and our experience of it stirs our Soul, and we ask for more...

And I remember with reverence, the first moments of my earth journey when I first felt the inkling of creation that belonged to me, those first moments sitting down to write my own stories as a young girl. They were often begun, but rarely if ever finished, as if I already knew at a young age that my writing would be born out of experience, and that my experiences would need move through fruition to lovely harvest.

But I remember the grand feeling of being swept away into other worlds, into others' lives, into others' thoughts. I rem…

Glimpse Through the Eyes of a Child

Last night I had a very stressful dream that I was trying to get my kids to school in the morning, that I was going to be late for an appointment, and my neighbor was doing crazy things like, she had poured a giant cement slab on my property, and was parking her car and her household items on it. Somehow it overlapped with my garage, and at one point I shut my garage door and it smashed over the edge of her car, cracking off her beautiful light blue spoiler off her car. Afraid of what I'd done to her car, I asked her angrily why she would park her car in the line of where my garage shuts! She didn't seem too upset, because she realized it was her mistake. I spent so much time with her talking, and running around like a chicken with my head cut off in a world where nothing was "normal", that I realized the girls were already very late for school, and we had just minutes for me to drop them off and get to my appointment. I had to rush unshowered and unpresentable into …

Meaning

Photo by Lyn

I feel such gratitude for this place to land with my thoughts. Writing has become such an important tool for me as I journey through life.

This afternoon has completely shifted because of what I left on the page earlier. I was able to put all of the emotions in perspective and move them through me, so that I could access the deeper part of myself.

Later, I was able to have a deep and meaningful conversation with a friend, where we both felt wide-open and receptive, and where we were both able to feel the expansion that comes from an exchange between two people who understand one another, and who have a strong desire to work in openness to bring about awareness, acceptance, and love.

I love this open space. It is good to feel my heart open again. And I remember it. I hold the memory of it for the next time my renegade mind takes over.

How lovely the genuine desire to participate in life right now!

Renegade Mind

My mind is running out of control this morning.

The dominant feeling is, as usual, that I am in trouble, that I am wrong. I have done something wrong. I feel like the picture show outside of myself is not what it is supposed to be, although nothing has changed from the abundance of yesterday.

I feel like avoiding. I feel like staying home. I feel like escaping. I feel like lying.

I recognize that my renegade mind is active. It is the part of me that is constantly critical of everything I say or do. I am not brave enough, or a good enough friend. I don't listen well enough. I don't have enough compassion. I better hurry before my idea is taken. There isn't room for all of us.

When I am in this place my mind constructs stories born from insecurities that turn into blame towards everyone and everything. But ALWAYS, the blame is reflected back at me. It says it is actually my fault in the end. It says that I am not good enough, that I am doing everything wrong, and that I am goin…

Abundance

Photo by Lyn

Ahhh, the abundance: the hot bath water, the perfect warmth transitioning me from the comfort of my bed, into my waking moments.

The perfect little wake up song "In the Leafy Treetops" that my mom used to sing to me, that I felt inspired to sing to my girls this morning as I woke them up, caressing their soft cheeks, telling them how much they look like gorgeous little elves stirring in their beds; the magic that I couldn't ignore as I took a moment to watch them awaken; sleepy eyes opening ever so slowly, tiny eyebrows tensing, then relaxing, little limbs stretching and shaking out sleep, and tiny smiles appearing, struggling between the impulse to push me away, or keep me near.

The way the eggs cooked, and didn't burn, even though I left them unattended for far too long while doing the laundry. The ease of making the orange juice, because I'd let the can defrost over night. The ease of making lunches because the Tupperware was clean!

The perfect amoun…

Sixth Sense

This morning I am rummaging around in my tea cupboard to find something more tantalizing than the teas pushed up front that have over time lost their allure. I find tucked quietly in the back an old box of jasmine tea that my husband and I had bought on our trip to Hawaii a year ago, or so.

Perfect.

I add the richly scented tea bag to a mug of steaming hot water, and my senses are met with not only the most delicate odor of jasmine, but, much to my surprise, the cool Hawaiian night, when he and I sit together, drinking our tea.

And I feel transported back. This man is ever-present this morning, as I inhale the rich aroma of this tea we've shared together. I feel us there, in the quiet of a tropical paradise, our bodies draped on sofas, relaxing into the night like spoiled cats; content, feeling lovely and different; still lit from the sun, still feeling the the novelty of sea and sand on our bodies.

And in this moment I exist between both worlds, just for a moment, feeling my body rel…

Contrast

Photo by Lyn

I'm not proud of myself today. My kids are at school, barely. I resist writing this, fearing that I will have to rename this blog Confessions. But if there are no new stories, then all of you have been where I've been in some form or another. And those of you who would judge me, probably aren't reading this blog anyway.

This morning I completely lost it with my seven-year-old. I became a mommy monster afraid of her being late AGAIN! and with picture day stacked on top of it all. I lost it when she decided to scare her sister with her spidery Halloween tights instead of brush her teeth, when it was time to load up the car. We were on a time crunch for various reasons including kids not moving very fast, and mommy's brain not working fast enough to get the morning organized--largely because of kid chaos--and so I came after her to tell her yet again to stop and brush her teeth-- then I see that she isn't wearing the clothes I picked for her for picture day…

Walking the Road to Find Spirit

This morning I find myself at the beginning of a road, one that I must walk down so that I might return to my center. My logical mind has embraced this idea of every experience living on its own continuum, and it has been a helpful tool, but my fearful mind can't process it that way right now. So, today there is the image of a road. A road to walk down to find my spirit and to bring it front and center to my awareness. I welcome you on this journey with me as I to attempt bring it back.

Peace feels far away at the moment.

I take my first steps down the road. I feel the absence of my littlest daughter, who at her preschool door this morning, grabbed me tight and wouldn't let me leave, which was completely unlike her. She was fine, just until I was going to leave, then an irrational fear seized her little body--a body too little to contain it. I was caught off guard. After hugging her and comforting her the best I could, I left her sobbing and abandoned in the arms of her preschoo…

Beyond Illusion Part III: Accepting What Is

Photo by Lyn

As I've been living more in a flow, I have become much more aware of a part of myself that is able to view my life objectively, a part of me that lives outside of my conditioning and my fearful thinking. It is a part of me that is quiet, (quiet as in grounded, strong, and perceptive, as opposed to quiet meaning silent, passive or meek). It is a part of me that embraces and desires experience, that wants to try on as many variations of life as it can, to clothe itself in many layers of contrast, until it finds an ensemble of truth that it can wear through the ages.

It is a part of me committed to finding deeper release, and to accepting what is. This part of me is active at all times, but I am not always in tune with it. It is most audible during my time in sacred space, when I allow myself to flow with my desires, or when I am outside of my mind, in dream-filled sleep, or in the moments between sleep and wake. Its rich insight comes to me as subtle waves of clear-think…

Resurrection

Photo by Lyn

Hold me close darkness weightless and cold surround me
I welcome you I am no longer afraid.
You see, I stand on my own now holding nothing keeping my balance
Alone.
Despite your barrenness I harness the sun within me
Dreams once mangled by your emptiness morph into strange beauty
Tangible, piercing your obscurity.
Sing praise!
A return to my spirit

My beating heart, a singular rhythm
no longer muzzled by your noise

Invulnerable to fading away.


Gifts in Unlikely Places

Photo by Lyn


The more I live from the heart, the more the heart of the world comes to me. The more I let go, the more I trust, the more I live authentically, the more I am carried.

It feels counter intuitive. I'm not doing anything the way I used to, and in fact, I can't. I honestly can't. When I fall back into default/conditioned ways of thinking, and acting, my body shuts down. I can barely move. I have become extremely sensitive to what feels good and what doesn't. But the funny thing is that nothing is falling apart. How can this be?

I tell the truth more--to others, and mostly to myself--the truths that are difficult to speak. I am finding a rhythm to my day that has nothing to do with 'shoulds'. A lot of things are left undone, but yet, somehow in time, they get done, and without near the struggle. Rather in the place of struggle, there is grace, there is increased ease coming my way. There are more opportunities to experience things in a new way, and mostl…

Permission

Today I am giving myself permission not to keep it together. Today I am giving myself permission to cry. Today I am letting all of what I thought was power, seep out of me, and leave within its wake something new, and something softer--something that recognizes that each sob, each convulsion of my body, all the tears shed are manifestations of the deep release that is part of the whole, as part of the necessary components of healing.

So, I let myself mourn in my sacred space. I let myself feel all of it, knowing that in allowing myself this, I will set it free.

I let myself mourn my marriage, and my fairy tale dreams of living happily ever after. I let myself mourn the loss of adhering to ideas and social structures that helped me feel secure, brave even, and mostly comfortable with my definitions of myself. I mourn the precious picture that I held in my head for so many years about the perfect little household, with my perfectly groomed little girls, and a loving relationship with a hu…

Effective Immediately

Photo by Lyn
This morning I called a customer service rep. to get something updated, and she told me that the change would be effective immediately. This phrase echoed in my mind, over and over. So much power in it. So much power to be able to affect something instantly, just with a few key strokes. It is trying to tell me something. I allow it to tell me...
It is painful to be in a place where you feel like you can't affect immediately. It is a limiting place. It is a tired place. It is a closed place. It is an efforting place. It is a constricted place.
And I realize that there is only one way that I know to affect immediately. It is to drop into my heart-center, to trust, and to live from this place, in an authentic way, outside of the reality that my physical eyes see, outside of the framework that my mind is used to dealing in.
The miracle of perception returns. There is no other wa…

Through the Looking Glass

Photo by Lyn

This is the longest I've gone without a post! Feels funny. However, I've decided that I can't force this. I want to be in the flow. The past couple of days, the flow hasn't included blogging. It has been time for me to be fully engaged in my physical reality with my kids--and its up for debate if it would be considered smooth sailing or not.

Although I've had plenty of tools to draw from to keep me looking beyond the illusion, I've literally had to bring down the intensity, because by the end of the day, after trying to see things as they really are, (from my heart), I've been exhausted. Because I am retraining my mind, I am always on--and the intense training with little egos and some big, leaves me needing to resource constantly.

I look up at the full moon, and wonder if it has had any extra effect on me, because at moments, I've wanted to howl at it!

I've been in the advanced training. I have had to find that right balance between hones…

Lessons from the Piano

Photo by Lyn


My Piano: this oddly, beautiful instrument; he sits before me, his keys beckon my touch, black and white, (the ultimate contrast). The perfectly familiar arrangement of all of them together, ascending and descending commands my attention, without my attention. I start from the bottom and play each of his keys as, always in perfect form, he ascends in well-tempered space all the way to 88.
My figure is less straight. I move to fit this friend/foe. He doesn't yield an inch to fit me. I adjust my trained-monkey-muscles, and listen to my body cry out here and there in its own assertion of neediness. I assuage my body, but mostly, it is back to him that I turn. Up the 88 keys. Low to high. When does low become high? I wonder, philosophically. In boredom I flip these 8's on their side...

Jolt!

Double infinity.

So within these keys contain all the possibilities, doubly!
So, little magical music box man, wouldn't it be natural for me to sit down and play you, and feel m…

Magic!

Photo by Lyn

Mostly playful moments redecorating!

Letting Jane Roberts speak for me tonight:

You are magic. You charm the air so that it thickens into your body wherever you are. When you want to move, you think the air ahead of you into becoming your body, and the air behind you then stops being your body....all very magical indeed...Your life is charmed. And there is a secret, a very simple one. Really, it's not a secret. But you have to remember that your life is charmed. People who forget can't use their magic nearly as well as they did before, and they have a tendency to get angry at those who can. So, often they pretend that no magic exists at all. Then they evolve great philosophies to prove it, which is itself magical, of course. But they can't see that, because they're so convinced that magic doesn't exist...magic happens by itself, because that's what magic is...Everything happens by itself. You happen by yourself, so does the world. And the principle be…