Skip to main content

Taming Chocolate


This is an experimental post. Its purpose is to help me work through an issue that I've been having.

Here is my issue: chocolate, dreamy, creamy, decadent, sinful, chocolate--but periodically it can be narrowed down to anything sweet.

I am completely baffled by my experience and my crazy addiction to the stuff, so, I decide to spar with it tonight.

So here are my thoughts: Round 1: I love chocolate. I have always loved chocolate. I have always enjoyed where I am more if there was chocolate. I have enjoyed my friends and family more with chocolate. My life is greatly enriched by this wonderful drug. Round 2: Since, I have always felt a little out of sorts in the physical realm, here in my physical body, chocolate has taken on even greater significance. It has become somewhat of a security blanket. I can take it out when I ain't feelin' so good.

The insight: So chocolate is there to enhance the good, to ease the pain of the bad.

There is one given: when I give it to my body, it always thanks me! ALWAYS!

Round 3: Chocolate is the bane of my existence. Moderation! You say, and I say, I wish, because truth be told, my little chocolate play keeps me forever plump. And to this I say boo hoo. My addiction to chocolate is an excuse that I can use to hold me back from success, as I flog myself for my abuse of it. My abominable behavior around chocolate is punished corporeally, regularly.

So, this lovely addiction is my biggest pleasure/relief and my biggest source of pain and suffering.

And I ask, how can I see this from another angle?! Please!

So chocolate feels like my way to survive in this world, and at the same time is my biggest struggle. I want to overcome its hold on me, but I know I can't for long. At this point in my life, I refuse to lie to myself. Even if I go for months without the stuff, like the tax collector, it always comes back. However, it is very difficult to find myself in an allowing place with this chocolate addiction. If I could at least allow myself to be okay with having this issue, then wouldn't it loosen its grip? Well, that is what they tell me, but I can't allow myself to feel good about having it when I know its excess is contributing to my excess.

So, let's go deeper:

If I can't surmount, and I can't allow-- inability to surmount+inability to allow= stuckness.

So, I am stuck. But something in the black and white of this equation screams ILLUSION!

Stuckness. It sure feels real, but because I am understanding the rusty mechanics of the mind, I look past the stuck and the ness.

Usually when it is an illusion, it regards my thoughts, not me. Therefore, let me try it is my thoughts that are stuck. It is my thoughts that tie a lengthy past and present to this alleged "problem" with chocolate.

Could it really be this simple--to find a release?!

So, if stuckness is an illusion of my mind, brought to you, at a high price at that, by my thoughts, then it seems as if I have found myself in another paradox!

And the one thing I know about a paradox, is that its very nature is unsolvable. That's right! There is no solution. All it can do is gift me perception. All it can do is show me the contrast of two opposing sides.

Let freedom ring! So, simple as that, there is no solution to my predicament. Logic tells me that I don't have to fight either way, if at the very root there is no solution. In fact, it would be useless. I could spend the rest of my days fighting and never truly break through. My heart tells me that there is no reality to support my problem, but that my thoughts have attached me to a perception that is nebulous and unquantifiable.

How could I ever hope to spurn something that gives me a sense of enjoyment and security in this world, and how could I hope to fall in love with it when it brings me so much pain?!

So, in this moment of release, what do I feel? The beginnings of peace coming over me. No need to fight my love for chocolate, and no need to allow myself to be okay with my inability to conquer it.

I am left in a spacious moment, where nothing must be done. Nothing can be done. There is no longer judgement of past or present, because there was never a solution--there never was a side I was supposed to approach more than another to prove my power of will, or my sanity! Now, there is only this moment, together with all of the possibilities; chocolate, or no chocolate among them. My choice, but without the painful story.

Up here, way out of my mind, (the best place to be) I hover over the dense storm clouds. I feel the sun warming me as I soar into the wide, blue yonder. I love knowing that the sun shines up here, when everything on the ground is gray and dismal, when even the highest mountains can't penetrate the mind's stubborn and suffocating cloud cover.

And I love it up here. I leave those who would love to spend their energy fighting for an answer to the unanswerable. I leave it to them, to argue until they don't want to anymore.

It is pretty clear to me, that especially when I am in the mind, I will need my chocolate to survive, and I just won't be very happy about it.

In this moment of clarity, however, chocolate is just chocolate, and I am just me. Chocolate is doing its job being chocolate, and I am doing my best being me in my earthly travels, taking what comes.

So, my attachment to my story about chocolate saving me, and me saving myself from chocolate has shrunken to more manageable dimensions. My perception of my body has done the same, and I no longer know if I am fat or thin. I like this place. There is much space for exploration, so many landscapes to behold, and so much to be enjoyed, with or without a life preserver.

I wonder what wonders will open up for me in this space.

Comments

  1. Oh, the spaciousness.

    Have i told you lately how brilliant you are?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks for taking the time to figure this problem out for me and most of the world at large!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

♥ Thank you for taking the time connect with me here. ♥

Popular posts from this blog

Mountain

Okay, I am just here writing, because I can't quite tell you how important it is that I have full permission to write, right here today, with this energy that I am holding. To stand strong in the truth of my being, that has felt quite weak and wavering in moments, and equally strong and clear in moments, as if these parts are truly at war with one another, and I am watching to see which one will win out, but the funny division between the two is merely this, the more I let the two up for air, wrestling and churning up and me trying to find which team is going to win, which one is going to end up on top, there is just simply me, sitting on the sidelines, and really tired of watching the back and the forth, and so, I just sit and put my hand in the sand I am sitting on the beach, and feel the texture of the sand, feel it running through my hand, and there is just this amazingness of this sand moving through my hand, and it feels timeless and I begin to see shapes and outlines in the…

RIP Poltergeist

After over ten years of an incredibly intense journey as a seeker, I find myself lying fallow. Taking a rest. When I first discovered this uncomfortable fact — threat to the hamster wheel that was my spiritual rat race, I surrendered for dead, but something wouldn’t let that fact sit as truth. I was lying fallow, but this implied that after a good rest, fruit could follow. This had nothing to do with death.

I am humbled at the courage it takes to write. For many years I kept a blog read by only a handful of very supportive people, and you’d think that after sharing writing for so long with perfect strangers, writing would have gotten easier. Actually, it got harder. In fact, at one point I was so paralyzed, I just stopped writing altogether. It was just too vulnerable. There was no trust there anymore, and I attributed any courage I had had to my youthful ignorance.

However, life continues, as it inevitably does, and there is still this pang to write, and it grows stronger and strong…

Big Red Bow & Boat

The next installment in a boat series, I guess. I just loved drawing this one. It just sort of appeared one day, and I loved the hues. Thanks Sharpie, for mixing up some alluring colors for me.

It didn't start out as night, but thanks to a sharpie mishap... but I am coming to ADORE those mishaps, because my favorite part of this little drawing is that it is night!

I also love drawing these women from behind with big bows. I love the mystery of whether the boat is coming in or going out. Perhaps it is all those Victoria Holt novels I read as a girl. Thanks mom!

It is fun to just enjoy looking at art I've created, not because they are good, but because they evoke something for me in my experience--something that just feels simply a little bit more alive--tiny sparks of wonder that make me feel curious about this human existence, and our desire to create--something wordless. Sometimes I think it is the closest way that I get to brush up to my personal experience as a human. Beca…