This is an experimental post. Its purpose is to help me work through an issue that I've been having.
Here is my issue: chocolate, dreamy, creamy, decadent, sinful, chocolate--but periodically it can be narrowed down to anything sweet.
I am completely baffled by my experience and my crazy addiction to the stuff, so, I decide to spar with it tonight.
So here are my thoughts: Round 1: I love chocolate. I have always loved chocolate. I have always enjoyed where I am more if there was chocolate. I have enjoyed my friends and family more with chocolate. My life is greatly enriched by this wonderful drug. Round 2: Since, I have always felt a little out of sorts in the physical realm, here in my physical body, chocolate has taken on even greater significance. It has become somewhat of a security blanket. I can take it out when I ain't feelin' so good.
The insight: So chocolate is there to enhance the good, to ease the pain of the bad.
There is one given: when I give it to my body, it always thanks me! ALWAYS!
Round 3: Chocolate is the bane of my existence. Moderation! You say, and I say, I wish, because truth be told, my little chocolate play keeps me forever plump. And to this I say boo hoo. My addiction to chocolate is an excuse that I can use to hold me back from success, as I flog myself for my abuse of it. My abominable behavior around chocolate is punished corporeally, regularly.
So, this lovely addiction is my biggest pleasure/relief and my biggest source of pain and suffering.
And I ask, how can I see this from another angle?! Please!
So chocolate feels like my way to survive in this world, and at the same time is my biggest struggle. I want to overcome its hold on me, but I know I can't for long. At this point in my life, I refuse to lie to myself. Even if I go for months without the stuff, like the tax collector, it always comes back. However, it is very difficult to find myself in an allowing place with this chocolate addiction. If I could at least allow myself to be okay with having this issue, then wouldn't it loosen its grip? Well, that is what they tell me, but I can't allow myself to feel good about having it when I know its excess is contributing to my excess.
So, let's go deeper:
If I can't surmount, and I can't allow-- inability to surmount+inability to allow= stuckness.
So, I am stuck. But something in the black and white of this equation screams ILLUSION!
Stuckness. It sure feels real, but because I am understanding the rusty mechanics of the mind, I look past the stuck and the ness.
Usually when it is an illusion, it regards my thoughts, not me. Therefore, let me try it is my thoughts that are stuck. It is my thoughts that tie a lengthy past and present to this alleged "problem" with chocolate.
Could it really be this simple--to find a release?!
So, if stuckness is an illusion of my mind, brought to you, at a high price at that, by my thoughts, then it seems as if I have found myself in another paradox!
And the one thing I know about a paradox, is that its very nature is unsolvable. That's right! There is no solution. All it can do is gift me perception. All it can do is show me the contrast of two opposing sides.
Let freedom ring! So, simple as that, there is no solution to my predicament. Logic tells me that I don't have to fight either way, if at the very root there is no solution. In fact, it would be useless. I could spend the rest of my days fighting and never truly break through. My heart tells me that there is no reality to support my problem, but that my thoughts have attached me to a perception that is nebulous and unquantifiable.
How could I ever hope to spurn something that gives me a sense of enjoyment and security in this world, and how could I hope to fall in love with it when it brings me so much pain?!
So, in this moment of release, what do I feel? The beginnings of peace coming over me. No need to fight my love for chocolate, and no need to allow myself to be okay with my inability to conquer it.
I am left in a spacious moment, where nothing must be done. Nothing can be done. There is no longer judgement of past or present, because there was never a solution--there never was a side I was supposed to approach more than another to prove my power of will, or my sanity! Now, there is only this moment, together with all of the possibilities; chocolate, or no chocolate among them. My choice, but without the painful story.
Up here, way out of my mind, (the best place to be) I hover over the dense storm clouds. I feel the sun warming me as I soar into the wide, blue yonder. I love knowing that the sun shines up here, when everything on the ground is gray and dismal, when even the highest mountains can't penetrate the mind's stubborn and suffocating cloud cover.
And I love it up here. I leave those who would love to spend their energy fighting for an answer to the unanswerable. I leave it to them, to argue until they don't want to anymore.
It is pretty clear to me, that especially when I am in the mind, I will need my chocolate to survive, and I just won't be very happy about it.
In this moment of clarity, however, chocolate is just chocolate, and I am just me. Chocolate is doing its job being chocolate, and I am doing my best being me in my earthly travels, taking what comes.
So, my attachment to my story about chocolate saving me, and me saving myself from chocolate has shrunken to more manageable dimensions. My perception of my body has done the same, and I no longer know if I am fat or thin. I like this place. There is much space for exploration, so many landscapes to behold, and so much to be enjoyed, with or without a life preserver.
I wonder what wonders will open up for me in this space.