I feel like I need to ground some of this a bit. I want to say that it isn't always easy to see the beauty, that there are moments when things would be much more desirable if they came at me in another way. It would be much easier if I could just have the answers and not have to have so much faith.
Sometimes it takes every part of me to squeeze the beauty and insight out of a situation. I feel frustration, pain, anger, and sadness. The only difference is that I try to see past it to what it might have to show me. I am committed to new vision, because I want to be free. But I am no different than any other human being, even if I funnel all of the beauteous parts into this blog.
I am no different than any mother, having moments when I am driven crazy by my girls, like tonight when we played a board game (which is actually pretty rare--I don't particularly enjoy playing with young kids. I get bored quickly and become overwhelmed by the lack of predictability). My youngest was bouncing off the furniture and knocking the game over. I literally felt sick forcing myself to play under these conditions, but ignored the signs in my body that I should stop--because well, it is like yoga, sometimes those moments are the poses you just can't do, but have to attempt; the ones that make you fall over, but with practice, or the guidance from the right teacher, you realize that you were using the entire wrong set of muscles to hold the pose, and once you get the right muscles working, it becomes easier.
Tonight I wanted to work through the painful pose of a chaotic moment with my girls. I stuck it out with them, forcing myself to play despite the frustration at their noise and having to reset the game board every few minutes-- and you know, it got easier. Easy enough that I had the energy to play another couple of games, and then read them stories. I relaxed more and more into the pose, and then, finally, it was over. And it was clear to me that I had more energy afterwards because I did attempt to work through the pose, versus how I would have felt not having done it all together. Just like those times when I am too tired to go to yoga, but I push through and go anyway, and am amazed at how the work creates more energy, as my body and spirit are heated from within.
So, the question I am working with is how do we know when it will be worth it or not, to actually attempt the pose? That is a hard one. My answer tonight was in looking at the bigger picture with regards to parenting, which has been one of the intentions I've been holding to work through; to see my struggles as a parent from another angle. I have been thinking a lot about what I am learning from the kind of world that I have created with my girls, about what I teach them and what they teach me. I am working on further moving toward an effortless experience with them as I release my old way of doing things and follow a more peaceful path. I realize that so much of how I flow has all to do with me, and very little to do with them.
Because I have worked so hard on tending my sacred space, I have found that I feel naturally ready to bring my children into my garden to play--even if it might take some time before I can fully accept what mischief they might bring with them, even if it takes me a while to really want to gallop around the maypole together. What I see, however, is that our interactions take us to a more loving place, especially if I can see them as I see myself--see us as no different, with the same mind and limiting beliefs and fears, and trust in a bigger perspective; if I can let go of having all of the answers, but to remember that this life is supposed to be joyful.
My girls teach me so much about the mind, and how it works, how it imprisons and limits. They teach me about resisting, wanting, and needing. They teach me about blame and conflict. On the flip side, they teach me about playfulness, unconditional love, creating, pretending, tasting, singing, imagining, experiencing, allowing, and loving.
It is in the moments relating to them that I have the opportunity to practice my awareness of all of this.
It isn't at all easy, but I feel I am learning the most through these most challenging parts of my life. These are the places where I see how strong my attachments are, how high my expectations run, and mostly where I miss the beauty before me while I am in a place of resistance without any allowance for what is.
So, although I am no Pollyanna, I see, that by looking for that unexpected perspective that goes beyond the surface, to find the beauty that exists outside of what is supposed to be, I find the space in which the most significant changes are able to occur. It is here that I find the deepest ability to let go, the space where the openings of the heart expand to allow a much wider playing field, with many more possibilities for experiencing this world together, in genuine joyful and loving ways. It is here that I find my way through the looking glass, into an entirely different reality.
I am truly not ready to push through poses with regards to many things in my life. There are some poses that I just cannot consider right now. But I will wait until the moment is right, when whatever comes up has become the focus of my intentions to manifest change, to open, and most importantly, this will only happen when I am aligned enough with Source, to help me go that extra distance to attempt it, so that even if I fall, I will find the clarity and wisdom that always come from our desire to understand, and from the desire to get up and try again.