In the flow...

Photo by Lyn

I am just transitioning from a day of scrubbing toilets and floors, doing laundry and dishes, finishing projects that I've been putting off for months; for some reason I had the energy...

I weave back to my creator-self, and I become aware of the fact that until this very second, I have actually not thought about my soul or my journey today! I am completely shocked! Anyone who knows me is shocked too!

It is only in this moment of quiet, my girls sleeping peacefully, that I become aware of all that I accomplished today, and how I resisted none of it, and how I even had moments when I smiled at my kids.

Okay, I am kind of freaking out, because this is awesome!

I was given a little gift from the universe, to remember what it feels like to just go with the flow, without the exhaustion of trying to flow with the river, catching and snagging on all of the obstacles in the way, painfully steadying course at every jag.

No, today I flowed with the river, and I didn't even set out to.

This was a gift of fully experiencing what is, even if what is is repetitive wiping movements, vacuuming from room to room, mating socks, and telling kids yes and a lot of no.

But I missed none of it. I was there rushing with the current, so that none of it was a blur. What a spectacular feeling, to just move with it, because you aren't so busy thinking about how the experience could be better, more fulfilling, or worse, how you could be better, more organized, more patient, more, more, more!

I am sure that there are those of you out there who feel this ease regularly, who have accepted your housework, your care taking of your children, your responsibilities, with the valour of a noble one, but I have been kicking and screaming the entire way, feeling cheated, missing the first installment of my life, which was mostly about finding my bliss. Now it is often about me as magician, attempting to create bliss for others.

I was fine with that when my children were babies, I let them move center stage, and thought it beautiful to watch them from the sidelines, from the remains of my life as I'd known it; happy to sacrifice my needs for those of these beautiful girls. But once they began to talk back, it wasn't as easy to feel recharged, and I found myself needing to participate in more meaningful ways, as someone besides mommy.

So, I can't help but see endless domestic duties as slayers of my spirit, horrific creatures eating up all of my precious energy and time; my time, keeper of my heart's desires.

So to feel at peace today, right from the trenches, is big.

Hmmmm. Why today was different:

Today was a random holiday, that means nothing to me. My daughter asked me to look up what Labor day was, and so I did, but, frankly, I'm still not sure what it is. So, I guess I had no expectations of the day.

School is starting this week, and I must feel energized about that. I don't know how people homeschool.

I had made a decision to clean my work space in my kitchen, not because I thought I had to, or because someone told me I should, but because I knew it would just be easier to cook this way.

I was okay with my kids not having any fun brought to them by me. I was okay with them just staying out of the way. I didn't even feel any guilt when I locked them outside to keep my freshly mopped floors clean.

There was an ease to how I boiled pasta and cooked some raw fish in a pan for lunch. It didn't even bother me that I never like tomatoes mixed with fish. I wasn't worried that the fish might have been a little too long defrosted. I just kind of went with it. So far, we are all fine!

I was okay with asking the kids for help, and expecting them to help. Come to think of it, they didn't resist me too much. Maybe it was because I was okay with them helping, instead of thinking I was robbing their childhoods.

At dinner, we ate under candlelight, and both of my girls put their hands out to join in a circle to say what they were thankful for. They rarely remember to do this. I've noticed that they remember every time I make the slightest efforts at creating a special atmosphere; a candle, matching plates, a beautiful pitcher of water on the table, having wiped off the table from the previous meal (yes, I admit to it).--all this, even if we are eating Spaghettios (I hear your gasps).

I thanked them for their help, and they thanked me for the dinner and the candle. I was fine with my youngest daughter having her purse strapped around her chest as she ate, as long as she lost the three dolls she was holding in her lap. I didn't feel conflicted about it. Yes, normally, I would. No toys at the table.

I had planned to clean the bathrooms tomorrow, but the girls were playing so well in their newly cleaned rooms, that I went ahead and finished the bathrooms, all tonight! And I didn't even mind flossing teeth and reading lengthy bedtime stories.

Maybe I was possessed, because this ain't me.

I'm sorry to chronicle all of this for you, as it surely must be very boring, but I am just so extremely shocked at the ease of today, at how much I accomplished, and how little I resisted. I am trying to find out how I just moved into this allowing and energetic space, because, in truth, it was like stepping outside of myself for a day.

Thank you soul, for giving me a rest from my mind, for letting me live my day today, allowing. Thank you for the feeling of groundedness as I flowed from one task to the next, without feeling conflicted by every decision. Thank you for helping me to recognize how it felt to ride with the river, and for the experience of peace, that is edging itself ever so slowly into my familiar.